So School is not so screwed

I find that if I actually spend alot more time on the school works, things seem to turn out fine. And I often am not doing as bad as a job I think I did.

I think life is like that too. We often think that the worse thing is happening and that the situation is actually not bad at all.

Want to talk to you...

But really you must be busy, who can I call anytime I need?

Probably no one... plus I don't want to stress out my friends when I have to talk about problems...

So I figure I should try the helpline...

Hey, I made my tax worth by calling the Distress Centres of Toronto, try that next time your upset... at least it helps to get to talk to someone...! (but the wait time on hold is like half an hour at least)

A pad on my own shoulders that at least I did something constructive instead of sleeping or sitting around thinking bad things...

Tomorrow too, I will get to talk to someone... I need the feeling of being support and listened to, you don't have to tell me what I can do, all you need to do is be there and... yea... be there and show me you actually care.

Smart girls are the one who makes the move!

Yes. I learned that alot of time when you want to be happy, you've got to make the move!!

It used to be about my *pride* to play it cool, never pursuit much things in life. but I realized from many lessons that you are the only one who really can make yourself happy. No one else can, but you!!

I'm so glad I made many moves these days that actually turns out to be more than I expect - which is good! (oh yea, these first moves ranges from arranging nightouts and trips, calling a friend out of the blue just to say hi, to picking up guys wherever I feel like to... hahhaha!!)

Anyway, my latest score tonight is this amazing late 1970s super 8 movie camera and a projector for an amazing deal... Thanks to God who made me saw this posting online, thanks to *me* to contact the seller in a nearly compulsive way (cos it's such a great buy and I sooo want to do some old school filming experiments), arranged a pick up after numbers of emails and phone calls exchange and here I am a happy girl with my new awesome acquisitions!

On my way to be a film maker! ^-^ I will be making some films in this holiday baby!

But first I want to buy some super 8 film/cartoon to watch it on my awesome projector first heheh!!! ^0^

It's Not the End of the World

Just got this new of my close friend's pet/family member passes away..

I feel and act like one my best friend has just passed away, crying, just like the time when I heard my mom's father passed away, or when my friend died suddenly.

The bottom line is, you are not really mourning for the pet/dog itself. Your mourning for the time and love you spent with any creatures, the memories of the times you spent together, the fun/frustration/happiness/whatever emotions you had during that time. These bunches of emotional strings attached that is really not about the creature/thing itself, but more to the records/pictures you have in your head that suddenly, when this object are no longer exist, you realized, there's no way you can relive the same feeling.

It's like when we were kid we cry when we broke or lost something precious to us. When we grow a little older we no longer cry about physical things that we break, we then cry about loss of jobs or school cos we thought we can rely on money and social success. After a while, we learned that jobs, school and money really doesn't matter, true inner happiness is the what matters so you focus on friends and family. Now we grow even more older, and we cry about our friends and family pass away, cos we realized our lives can be done so easily. and then after a few funerals, we learned that "that's life, no one will be living forever", all we have to do is be more careful, live for the moment in a reasonable manner and keep ourselves up there chasing our own happiness the best we can.

The older we grow, the less we really cry about things... soon, when I or you get so much more older we will just all be these peaceful wise men and wise women who say to everything: "It's not the end of the world"

Yes, life is short, it's not the end of the world, world continues to go around even when you disappear from the living world. The ultimate matter is, I guess, live our lives, and if you can, leave some form of impression on the world while your here?! (What that impression depends on what you want to do with your life)

BTW, I hope the end of the world is not coming anytime soon, or else we will all be crying for real this time!

Re: Life is not an Idle Ore

"And while life is not idle...

us too, must not be idle..."

Another revelation I got when I was cutting metal by hand today... *tired*! (I should borrow this line from my classmate who always bring up doing all these work by laser..!! yea..!! we need laser to cut things, shape things and maybe even wipe our faces?!!! So we had this jokes going on in class for weeks now.. and then today prof reply: "but laser doesn't work on silver...!" Really? I guess there are actually many things that Cyclops cannot cut?) Anyway. I digressed.

So... yea, while I painstakingly sawing... I broke two saw blades :( that's 10cents each blade (only! but i'm a cheap ass)

Why?

Cos I was cutting a shape with curve...

and if I twist and make the turn too fast while cutting, the blade would just snap in a moment of miliseconds..

Much like us eh, if we keep up the good paste, in steady speed, keep ourselves calm and slow down... we would appreciate life better and feel better.. things just seem to go better!

Sudden change and shocks can kill our brain cell..!! (there's no scientific proofs, I just made this part up :)

So yea.. keep ourselves in "zen"!! *oooommmmmmmmmm* *crossing my legs*

Life is not an idle Ore

But iron dug from central gloom

And battered by the shocks of doom

To shape and use

Not just a revelation that inspired me today when I was doing my reading...

but also a very true revelation I got when I was hammering metal at the workshop today...

My arm is very sored now, but seeing how nice my creation turned out... It's all worthed. Working with metal is like how life is.. without burning, it won't be soft enough to shape, without hammering, cutting, sanding, it won't be in good shape and shine...

All the suffering and obstacles we might be facing right now, must be only for our good... so that we can be stronger, in shape and shiny!!

There's no good or bad in life.. All things in life are good.

Giving love to my baby...

So it's been around 4 years since I have my baby rebel

I clean it occasionally, but mostly just do some simple wiping, blowing off dust and stuff.

But I decided I will do a better cleaning tonight:

- The strap got so dirty (with my sweat?!), so I washed it! (Ew, the water turns yellow, much like when I wash my sneakers...)
- The lens got greasy and dusty from using it outdoor with all those harmful sunscreen and bug repellent, so I use water and the best cotton I have to wipe it!
- And hey, I am doing maintenance for the lens my BIL lend me ;) (pat on myself for doing a great job) I love them and I hope I'm making good use of them :D (by using it alot and making it dirty?! haha)

I want to do more research and experimenting suddenly, maybe cos I had just talk to this new friend of mine today about cameras! It must be a call :) It's been a while I feel like into camera, not feeling into it for a while...

Am I turning back into the old self of me? (like I feel like I get slightly more materialistic again.. NO~~ I need my spiritual sense to stay strong... time to do some praying and meditation... I miss it alot I feel stress again with work and so much summer stuffs going on..)

Thank you for God, for everyone, for everything that's I'm having. I feel very content as of today!! I don't know about tomorrow. but I know as long as I keep this gratitude and spirit up, I am already a better person!

Writing my testimonial...

Excited! so my "dream job" is happening for real!!! Call me "jobness"!

Stay tune for my "testimonial" aka "Lala's secret and laws of attraction success story" :D

I dream about this job since around 1 month ago. it might really be happening!

Wow. If this is really happening, I have to write a testimony to "Laws of Attraction", "The Secret" and of course, the last but most importantly - God who answers my prayers!!! ^0^

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Rome Was Not Built In One Day

Everything takes time to build.
Everything takes time to ruin.

I remember how we used to plant vegetables and flowers in summer. We stopped doing that. and now the beds are full of weeds other than flowers. Looks like an abandon yard now. It took a few years of not tending it to become like this today.

Am I willing to work on my garden again? Yes. I'm going to start. Literally, I want to do some gardening. I was clearing out the weeds on the flower bed.

The sun was too bright, the soil was too dry.
I cannot pull out the weeds.
So I decide to wait till the soil is wet.
Today I'm just clearing out the old leaves and stuffs.

Patience... is needed in everything
I realized. Sometimes you want to do one thing.
You can't do it, not because you don't want to.
It's only because it's not yet the time to do it.

This is always the case in many things. Isn't it..
Nothing happens overnight.
Sigh... patience, patience, patience...

Project Overhaul - Follow up 3

Updated on my goals setting. (Warning: Long update, don't read if you don't give a darn about my goals hahha..)

Thanks for all the encouragement from my dearest friends and sister..
I feel refreshed and full of hope in most times (though I still feel the ups and downs. gosh, sometimes i wonder if I'm bipolar. my mood swing is pretty scary!)

So far I did the best part that i look forward to everyday/night - wake up in the morning!
SO so soos sosoos proud of myself. I'm wishing to wake up at 7:30am now. and today for some reason I woke up at 7:30am. (Honestly, some nightmares made me wake up but who cares, this is doing me good. I actually waking up early without alarm these days now! Cool eh!!)

Go to church is out of the question, I got to go every week at least once or if it's possible twice or more. praying, I pray all the time. probably every hour. so this is out of the question too

Learning Guitar... mm... haven't start. and I think I'm substituting it with learning to sing. Yes, I'm learning to sing (on my own :P self learn that's all... i'm not surprise if my neighbours start to love me cos I sing in my room. and hey. my grandparents already talking behind my back saying "what's she doing singing in her room". whatever. they like to talk behind my back for everything.)

Hey, but learning to swim is on the way!!! Magically, one day me and one of my best friends went swimming and she showed me how to do backstroke. I still can't do it. but now I can float on my back for as long as I want and then kick and also move my arm. I can slowly. I mean really slowly move forward (or backward?!??!) SOOO exciting! I cannot wait!

As for going to gym every other day. oops. I sort of make it into random days during the week now. and then I stil haven't clean my room. I got to clean it asap to put my exercise ball in and do crunches and stuff or else my abs won't be here this summer.. got to do this, got to do this, got to look fit)

Better skin. nothing too big of an improvement. I guess my acne is clearing out. and not breaking not as bad but still breaking out. I got to really get good sleep (which I still don't get.. sigh.!)

Breakfast challenge! I still eat breakfast everyday. but I sometimes so lazy to take photos :( cos I realize the photos might look the same cos I eat very similar food all the time!! Got to switch it up :) and I will upload pics. but it's been a month. i will keep going ^^

What else.. well I hug my mom once in a while now. and i talk to her everyday short and medium length talk (which is way way better than months of not talking). And then my grandparents seem happier. gramma always smile when talk now. is it because auntie mushroom almost coming to TO? or is it my positive aura? hahhahhaa Well.. grampa is okay and not as grumpy, but still grumpy..!

Portfo building. nothing in progress. got to move my butt. and hey i also got to keep learning flash and aftereffects. I realized many things want that now. and of course I kept saying I am learning web design, but I'm still stuck on basics! moving my butt ^0^

As for my own happiness project. I am in the process of planning it. Going to start on June. Yes. my half year happiness project! Can't wait!!

"If people don’t act the way you want, it doesn’t make them wrong."

This is very true...! But to be with someone you like/love. (relatives, friends or dates/boyfriend), if the person does not act the way I want is a pretty sad thing.

Learning to accept everyone. and love them for who they are.
I thought I'm always friendly and open minded to everyone/thing.
But I realized I am not that open mind at all!

Alright. Keep going. There got to be a way...
First change the way I think. this world is not about me! it's everything else!
Second to accept and love myself.
and then third I put more love to people I love.
Forth, after that. I will also be loving everyone/thing all the time!

Sounds like a good plan ^_^

Honesty. 2

I am true to myself.
I am true to you.

What I say is what's from my heart.
There's no game.

Unless my heart got cheated by my mind.
What I say is always the truth comes from my soul.

Does my mind deceive me?
I learned to control my thoughts now.

Does my emotions deceive me?
I learned to control my emotions now.

I am free from them now.
So what I said and do must be true.

There is and will be no game.

It is here, when you simply stop wanting

Took a walk outside for 45mins.
spent around 15 mins did some meditation - failed.
I can't stop thinking of all the things in my mind.
I want to take all the rest of my time from now to figure out how to meditate.
I am addict to reading books. Good addiction?! But I realized.. .
reading is good to take away your minds and learn stuffs.
But I need more than taking care of the mind. I want to connect to my soul.

Anyway. towards the end of my walk today.
Saw the birds and trees and butterflies, I thought to myself.. all I need is to stop thinking and just do what my instinct tells me. Just like what animals do.
What more should I want in this world really? Why do I have to keep thinking so hard about what's next to do, what to do next day, week, year?

So I got hungry.. need breakfast. I was thinking to go home and cook some fried rice. That's the natural thoughts flow, cos the fridge got some leftover rice from last night, then I should eat it.
Surprisingly when I walked in the house, gramdad already cooking.
I was surprised because he never cooks early in the morning. in fact, he doesn't usually cook at all!

Things come when I stop planning eh???
by just do what's right in front of me.. and think what's right and good..
I actually would get what truly is right.. and it just feels right.

It must be... this must be the "law" in our lives.
Every creatures naturally follow the path in front of us.
There's really no need to plan ahead I realized.
Just follow. and stay natural. yes. this must be it.

Hiking.

"This life is a race:

some of us need a tow, some of us just need a boost, some are stuck in the mud, some are descending into valleys, some are heading up mountains and others are on the flats moving at an even pace, but none of us are finished...run the race, I know you can"

Just saw this on my favourite facebook group. I like the imagery here... but. I believe life is not necessary a race. Race sounds too much of a competition to me. Who do we race against? Afterall ourselves? But why do you want to finish things in life in such a rush???

So my version would be:

"This life is a hike:

some of us need a rest on the rock, some of us just need a sip of water, some stopped to look at the flowers by the track, some are descending into valleys, some are heading up mountains and others are walking slowly yet steadily, but none of us know where we are heading... until we reach a place where we take our final resting, we all have to keep walking and enjoy the beautiful scenery, rather in a dark cave, in the forest, up the mountains, out in the plain, by the river... going uphill downhill... everything is beautiful."

In fact, going downhill can be so beautiful that you get to see what's below you and where you ve walked from... going uphill, there's a sense of achievement but you really can't see what's ahead of you most of the time... Both are necessary when you hike, from one mountain to other mountain, there's no way you can get to the other mountain without leaving behind the mountain your on, you have to go downhill.. and then slowly up if you have to reach another mountain.

Where do you fit? Anyone walking with you? or leaving you behind? or joining you? Are you taking a detour to explore other parts of the place or you are just following the path that is most traveled by others? Do you follow or do you lead?

No matter where you fit in these images... we just have to enjoy the hike, don't we? Nothing is easy. This is a cold hard lesson, self pity doesn't get you anywhere... only when we keep walking, we will get to somewhere. Hiking is tiring, I never think any of my hiking trip is easy, I always sweat, get tired, tiny bit of out of breathe when hiking...

Learning to be happy even though I feel tired, learning to enjoy all the moments even though I don't feel like enjoying. I have always love hiking. if I can do the same thing in life: take in all the beauty of my surround and enjoy things even I feel tired, I would have been successful (?). But it's always when you tripped yourself and fall on the ground you realized and learned not to make the same mistake again. (ie. watch your every single steps)

Yes. I learned to enjoy everything.... it's all in the package and it's all good. shouldn't it?

Space Conscious

"...the deeper the loss the greater the space that it leaves behind."

"but if your familiar with space consciousness you are aware that... once there was something/somebody, where there's left nothing or an empty space."

"For some people they reach spiritual consciousness through encounter their great loss, for some other, they couldn't run away from it, and they left speechless... collapse and there's just the empty space... and after a while, there will be this great peace when space consciousness suddenly comes through."

"You can say you suddenly found God... indirectly through suffering... an easier way, you can practice awareness of space.... the enormous shift in consciousness."

"You can sit here, listen to the words, without label... and be aware of the space... of which the world happens... the feel of just present."

"Otherwise, the words will be analyze by the mind, and be stuck as "signposts"..." - Eckhart Tolle



True consciousness comes when you don't label.
There's really no point to analyze your present state, people, or whatever that is in your mind...

It's no point to just running in circles for hundreds, thousands of days and nights. I'm tired of having this "tape running in my mind" feeling. Same words runs around and around.

There's nothing good comes out from labeling...

"Consciousness, you are consciousness. You only can become consciousness if you are comfortable in the state of not knowing." - Eckhart Tolle

There's only one Weather, and it's neither Good nor Bad

It's pouring outside. The wind doesn't stop blowing the tree and the flowers pedals are falling and flying madly.

Whenever I heard about report or people talking about weather I had always remember this thing I heard in one of the tv interviews of a celebrity reporter (I forgot who and what show..).

This guy was saying how he was working in radio (or tv) weather report. So there was thunder storm to report. and automatically, he would normally say: " Today's weather is not so good, there will be thunder storm.. blah blah"

One day, there's a experienced reporter reminded him: "Neutrality is important, when reporting news and weather, it is important to not be judgmental"

"No weather is bad" the interviewee said in the interview now. "I learned not to say a rainy day as a bad weather day."

"A good weather report person do not say things like "good" or "bad" weather, there's only the actual weather to report."

The nature needs rain and snow, it might look like it's really "bad weather" outside for us (funny how we human would actually think this way, we are way way too separate from nature now do we? I never see a frowning bird in rain, or a sad squirrel in the snow). Imagine if everyday of our earth is without rain or snow and storm? If everyday is a "good weather", what would that be like? Nothing can survive if that's the case, we will all be doomed.

Learning to accept the way things are without judging or being bias is not easy but should be doable... if we can all do that, we will all be happy souls.

I get sensitive whenever people say things like "it's snowing so hard!" "The weather is not good today, it's raining the whole day"... Every time I hear the reporter on tv said "today's weather's not so good folks.." or something like that, I automatically remember that interviewee's words...

I actually never dislike rain or snow. I cannot understand why people can't go out when it's raining, I don't get it why people would not go anywhere but stay home in winters. (unless it's a real huge snowstorm i guess)

I go out any weather, I take photos in rainstorm, I go to the park in snow... it's too bad for any of us if we cannot appreciate all the different weather in this world. (where's this person who can dance in pouring rain with me? This is something I want to do in my life... :P)

Anyway, WOW at least I'm positive about weather. If only I can have this thinking in all my other things in my life. I can finally be in true happiness. ^^ hahhaha.. Good start for me I guess, let me try to spread that to other areas of my thinking...!

My own Happiness Project

It's almost June. (I cannot believe it's been half a year since I had start my new year resolution)

So an updated on it would be:

I just got some achieved. And then others, not much completed, I realized I'm not into it much anyway.. (Things like: guitar - I want to.. but I really never got any music training.. I should try, but got bit discourage, so so far I only learned how to hold a guitar... and Swimming, I don't know where to start, I should really ask my friend to teach me...)

But on the good side, I did get myself this habit of waking up early and sleeping (relatively) early. I go to church every single week (once, if not twice) And also I talk to all my family members more. and I also answer my friends' phonecalls and even take the steps to call up people now. I also do walking and exercise every week. (sometimes just walking though..)

Achievement? YES, some sort of..

And since I got off track these days I am going to start my half a year plan now - my own little happiness project. (Inspired by this book I wanted to read since January called "The Happiness Project" - http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/ but because I am broke so I am still waiting for the library copy - I"m 104 on the holding list!! ^^"")

Two days ago in the bookstore I saw this book (again) and I took the time sitting down somewhere and "test read" a chapter. Not bad! Really looking forward to read the whole. and I think it's a call for me to see this in the store (over and over again, not just two days ago). I really really want to start my own project! Will I make it? I guess... since now I got many more deas of what I want in my life compare to before (like last year). I can do this! ^0^

I will update on this.

Do it Anyway.

Originally written by Kent Keith, second half rewritten in more spiritual way.

This verses is written on the wall of Blessed Mother Teresa intended to the children in Calcutta, India.


People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

~Mother Teresa


She is definitely one of my role models now, I didn't realized how humble of a servant of God she is until I read more things about her. Mother Teresa is a familiar figure for me, because I came from the high school named after her, I should really know her, but during those years, I really just saw her as one of the dedicated famous person who does charity work, nothing more, nothing less.. For me at that time, she is flat with no human character (because she is seen as almost saint!)

Now that I studied more about her, I found that she has many doubts and possibly suffered from depression of her own, which surprised me alot because from her works I thought she was all golden and shiny saint like. I would never thought she has constant doubts of God and His existence. The way of her working continually with the poor and needed ones while struggling on her belief and doubts is very inspiring. I think all of us are like that... some point in our lives we struggle, we doubt, we start to blame and hate God or others or even ourselves... but it's funny how at the end, we had all comes to the same wants - we all want to be good and do good, that's all.

Doesn't matter what your belief system is. Doesn't matter what your circumstances are. Do good anyway.