Re: Caring

I am sick. This "ego" of me is bringing me all these "wants"

It's only a fact: what you get is what you give.

I need to accept this fact, without me giving out anything, there's nothing given to me.

Did I really not given enough? I thought I did. Or is it I didn't?

I feel peaceful now, I feel relax, I feel happy most of the time, I feel like there are so much I want to do now. I love my friends, I love my family, I am forgetting now. But there are these times when I thought of whatever things that trigger my egoic self. That's when I started these bullshit all over again.

How can I kill this side of me? I want to kill my ego. I really hated it.

Will I ever be a better self? am I just faking my peacefulness?

Caring

I still can't get over with how uncaring a guy can be.

Or is it because I'm not caring so they are not caring?

Do I have to be this caretaker/nurser/mother to "earn" their care?

What is wrong with me. What is wrong with "him".

When I'm happy, he doesn't care. When I'm totally hopeless, he doesn't care. When I'm sad, he doesn't care. When I'm mad, he doesn't care. When I'm this crappy despressee, he doesn't care.

When he trying to care, he actually doesn't care. When I actually care, he doesn't care. When I don't care, he STILL doesn't care EITHER.

So in the end, he never care. The only thing he cares is HIMSELF, FUN, SEX, CONVENIENCE, and BENEFITS - basically someone he can "own" to cheer him, to encourage him, to do things for him. If I'm not important enough for you to even cheer me when I'm mad or sad, think of me encourage me like how I would to you when I can or even just talk to me and keep showing me you care even when I said "I'm ok" which in most cases "I'm not ok". If I'm not important to just spend your precious time for you to think of me more than asking me "are you okay" -

Why should I care any bit of you.

Sorry guys, when you say I'm your friend/best friend, I really don't think you know what you say either, you are only saying you are your own best friend cos if I don't care about you, you don't care about me. If I don't find you, you don't find me. This is not real "friend", this is not "love". You only want me to feed your ego. You only want "somethings" in return when you show me your fake care.

I will only care about girls from now (I swear). They are my real best friends who at least I don't need to play this 24 hours cheerful doll that toy by you, at least I can freely get pissed without you covering your ears, rolling your eyes and running away. I'm not a possession, I'm not a "happy machine" I might seem happy, but I'm not always. If you can't even accept or hold me when I'm in this state, you don't deserve my happy me. YOU totally deserve this crappy sad me then. GIRLS are more brave than guys in my understanding. At least they are brave to communicate and solve things together and show some care to each other.

Things don't just happen. Why do I have to be the only one who care? Why can't you make it happen then? Or at least make this happen TOGETHER with me! You JUST don't care. You just never care to be together.

Hahahahaha. This IS my conclusion. How funny I would ever believe there's this someone I can show my evil self.... I must have show too much. darn! ^^ Someone please kill my ego NOW. I feel sick of this bitterness, I feel sick of this resentment.

My head feels dizzy and I'm sick today. Thanks for letting me be, at least let me vend this out on you tonight, my imaginary friend.

Miss Congeniality

When we describe a person as "congenial" - They are friendly, compatible, agreeable, adaptive, consistent, gracious, pleasant, pleasing, mellow, sociable, cooperative, cordial, sympathetic, favorable, jovial, kind, considerate, approachable, gentle, and happy.

This is my ideal personality. I have been too angry, too tough, too rough, too bad in communication and too less of a girl... (gosh, that's how my family is, what do you expect when I always stuck with them?) I really don't like this part of me. I feel like I don't fit to be anyone's girlfriend or wife. WHY!! Why am I like this? Why can't I born as a girly girl!!! Why?

Sigh... I don't want to go into this negativity again. But there is this time I feel I am a really bad person. I want to be a good girlfriend and wife!! I have to work hard, I know I can be who I want to be, I always wanted to be this "congenial" girl, I always admire mellow, gentle kind of girls.

But is this possible for me??? -__- I have been looking at our Mother Mary's pictures and praying to her for a while now, I told her, "I want to be like you, please give me strength and courage to make changes on myself..." will I finally become a gracious girl one day???

I want to believe... but I can't help to want to cry... if only I'm a girly gentle girl comes from a healthy family, I can already have no problem with my personality and my relationship and could have already graduated, got nice job, got married, got my life all set and happy.

Sorry God, I am thinking negative again, I can't help. Because the way I am, I hate it. I promised myself not to hate anything but embrace and love everything. But I realized I hate myself the most now?!

Take away my anger and hatred please, I want to love, not hate, what's wrong with me!!!

Don't Understand.

The melody of the song is terrible, I think the lyrics can be better, and I have no clue why is this singer became a singer at all... but I have this feeling this song is planned for me to hear it, because I have not listen to any new chinese songs for literally years (probably 3 to 4 years)... and here I go seeing this MV on the TV when I came back from Church. What the?

I like the lyrics though, suits me right! :P I am totally relate to it.

從前流淚光 - 鍾舒漫

作曲：鍾舒漫
填詞：游思行
編曲：謝浩文
監製：謝浩文

從前流淚光 埋藏某地方
妄想跟失望 傷心激盪

＊原來那淚光 明瞭才是光
痛苦的海岸 許多寶藏

#我是那樣那樣愛他 我是那樣那樣愛他
Don't you see we'll last forever... forever
我是那樣那樣愛他 逐年逐年地忘掉他
為何為何又談論他

說句好話吧 善心的欺騙只想終結更優雅
我對他思想 意會嗎
仍記得他所說的話 男人的軟弱 可以了解嗎

Repeat ＊, #

說句公道話 自己一賭氣比他生氣更可怕
和平的相處要學嗎
仍記得他所說的話 如果想靠近 不要太喧嘩

以後莫失莫忘 情是有風浪
平靜看風浪 我的可愛滲和了血汗

說句多謝吧 自己的需要終於真正了解嗎
從前的不必太念掛
仍記得他所說的話 人生想快樂 要變鮮花

從前流淚光 埋藏某地方
妄想跟失望 傷心激盪
原來那淚光 明瞭才是光
我找到寶藏

Questions and answers in my mind after I thought over it:

Q1: Guys want girls to understand guys, but do guys even try to understand girls?
A: I should try harder to understand them. But it should be a two way street. Why do girls have to chase after guys and crack them open so they finally speak what's in them? I'm not good in expressing and counseling, I'm not the girly girl, does that mean I don't deserve a guy in my life time? Guys just run away when things don't go their ways, every guys do that. They never care, they never go out of their ways, they just don't care about anything. When they said they try, they probably did but they did it in all the wrong ways and they don't care to go further than that.
Q2: Guys don't like girls who are loud and emotional.
A: I also don't like guys who are insensitive and don't express their thoughts. I deserve to be full of emotions because I am the way I am, and life without dramas and emotions is just plain bore. But I did go overboard about anger that is true, but still, it's a two way street. Guy can find a way to get to me, if you really try. I'm so easy to get happy and sad, like a kid. You just have to do it and don't run away from me, or I get more noisy. When girls get emotional, it's probably all about the guys, so stop blaming everything on girls, guys cause everything and it's so simple to fix it, just talk and don't run.
Q3: If anyone wants to be happy, you have to keep it fresh and live in present.
A: Living in present is good, I agree. But how to keep things fresh? Again, it's a two way street. Why do girls have to do all these by herself, when all guys do is just staying home watching TV and expect us to do everything else? I just want to spend good times together, not watching TV or computer or video games every night. They are the ones who make everything stale. Good things never last I guess, they do all the things in the beginning and screw your mind up to make you think they care so you do all the things for them after. They never care.

Gosh, these answers don't make me go anywhere. I need more thinking to understand. and I apologize for over generalized guys. I think my old "Guys sucks issues" are creeping back at me.

God, help me take away my negativeness, and change me into a smarter and loving person??? I know I can do this if I believe.