Instincts or Reply?

Instincts, might have helped me to do this (did a good assignment), this (get through a group project), this (go to class), this (ended up having to borrow this ipod for two weeks) and this (finding my key just now -- in the garbage).

Reply to a prayer, might have helped me to do this (motivate me to work on assignment), this (stay calm and cool when work with others), this, (the good job of my professor being very encouraging), this (have my friend to push me to class), and this (give me the idea of thinking my key is in the garbage bin).

It's hard to tell.. whether it is from my own power, or any other godly power from the universe...

Can I believe that it is cause I made some little prayers to both myself and also God and the universe?

The night when Mother Teresa came to visit me

Mother Teresa, perhaps, more appropriately - Blessed Mother Teresa

a very familiar name to me.

I had known her since I was a kid, from church teachings, tv news, to me the most memorable thing of her would be Sammi Cheung's old song "The angel of Calcutta, Mother Teresa". I probably didn't understand the song fully until now. But as a kid and teenager, I definitely love that song... Very ironic that I didn't really know her but I liked the song as a kid, it got me notice MT as a pop song and not a church song!

Anyway.. I don't even care much about Mother Teresa till now, been in the high school of her name - Mother Teresa Catholic High School since forever, but didn't appreciate this Blessed patron till recently.

I'm so into her now~ I borrow the book of hers, but didn't finish... need to reborrow again.

Work has been stressful and demanding, very tired after work, all I did was go home, eat, go on internet, watch world cup or read some news, facebook of course and maybe youtube whatever interests me.

In these stressful work days of mine, can you even believe this - that She, Mother Teresa actually came to "visit" me!!!! Last month about the same time, I was crazy about reading about her and watching her videos on youtube, living aimlessly with nothing much to do. Tonight, I am so tired cos I got so much work, I am so occupy that I have hard time finding time to go to church in weekdays... This ME, tonight, I get to see her relics - her pair of shoes, her rosary, her two adoration decor... - 1st and 2nd class relics that "should have been presented to the Congregation for the Causes of Saints when her case for Beatification was brought forth"!!

This is too much of a amazing grace, for what I ask, I received. I miss church so much these days, and tonight, not only I got to go to an evening mass but I have Mother Teresa "came to visit me", During these two days of viewing, her relics do not present to public in many locations (only three locations in Toronto - two in downtown, one in Scarborough), I get to go to one of the two masses... it's perfect timing and location for me, just right outside my house! It's totally made for me to go! I totally cried.

So this is the mass I went tonight, it's totally the highlight of this week and I got to blog this before I forget my excitement... It's a weeknight mass AND a possibly once in a lifetime first class relics of BMT viewing...

Through her belongings, I get to feel her blessings and reminded of her great works. When I saw the sisters of the Missionary of Charity in their legendary white robe with blue strips, I was really thinking to myself.. I want to join them, I really like helping people by doing hands on work!.. But I can't yet leave me "worldly desires"~!!... maybe one day.. when the call is so strong, I can't say no.. I will service the world with my two hands and one heart... I hope to have a day like that, I'm not ruling this out!!! hahaha..

Happy 25th Anniversary of Missionary of Charity in the Toronto Dioceses. I really appreciate all the charity work done by this international groups of sisters who follow the footstep of Mother Teresa...

Mary, Mother of Jesus, Be a Mother to me now. - Mother Teresa

"Where one attention goes - energy flows."

One way you can notice if life is moving through you; instead of, life as moving from you is to pay attention. When life is coming from you, you are using a lot of personal effort to achieve a task. When life is moving through you, you are embracing and acknowledging the need for and dependence on your Creator's strength to sustain you each day and each moment of your life.

Pay attention to what matters... It's really true..
If it matters, you would keep your energy on it...

I know with my personal energy from me, and the strength from God through me. right now. when I am really concentrate on being happy and being with God. I am happy. I am with God. (right!!!)

Screw other things. Why do I have to spend energy on unnecessary things now.
I am going to kill this "me"...
It's not about what attention/care from others. it's about your own attention to yourself.
It's not about having others to support/cheer/help me, it's about having God to strengthen me.

Reading it millions times. - let it flow. naturally.. it shouldn't be hard when I'm willing to (why is it so hard still then?? am I not willing enough still... I want to punch something, I'm so mad.)

Good Addiction

"...if we don't have a centre, and that centre is not Christ. then we are inevitable suck into dissipation and sinfulness. and in a world which is made these compromises, everything becomes an addiction. Pornography is an addiction... the instance of the behaviour of tiger woods which supposedly an addiction, in reality. it is a life that is not centre for Christ headed for hell. we asked our Lord, in this sacraments that we might not become the victim through the dissipation of the world and its many temptation, that we place our hearts and minds on Christ. that we may find peace. the peace that he promises us. ..."

Tiger Woods' sex addict problem sets a bad example of a man. I truly despise him. And this is for many men out there too. I really don't understand why on earth would men have sex in their mind all the time. How big is a man's desire really? They go in war, they make pornography, they kill, they rob, they rape, they do most of the crimes and sinful things. I wonder, what on earth are men really thinking? (gosh, my "illness" is coming out, i have to stop)

Okay.. to be fair. who in this world never sin? I sinned, (and there's too many to point out here). So if he truly and honestly changed. good for him. that makes him a great man instantly. But this has to be a real renewal in his mind. God bless him if he does. and bless anyone who's sex addict and those who watch porn. I wish them truly realize there are so much more better things out there than sex.

Sex, money, cars, house, computer, games, gambling, clothes, handbags... we all want more and more.. When's the end? Very heart broken to know humanity has fallen and lost our connection with nature and god. (I'm guilty too.. right now my addiction is definitely internet and computer obviously..but hey, if you know me well I'm this nature /outdoor type of girl really)

May everyone who is addict to any kinds of addiction find the ultimate good addiction - addict to God.

Doing so, you will have all the goodness you ever imagined! and afterall... addiction comes from need.. this need in life.. ultimately is "happiness". I believe everyone's ultimate life goal is "happiness"! Whatever you do and want, it all nail down to being happy.. You may not believe in any religion like I do but you might still agree with me: whatever so called happiness we find in this world is really just temporary - get drunk? you will be sober soon. get laid? you will be awake soon. get money? it will be spent soon. gamble? you win or lose, and then what else after? whatever that is. nothing going last. Everything passes, except the treasure up in heaven, or if your atheist - the spirit within you. Nothing else in this life is more important than you and God or the universe/spirit/peace in you.

May peace be with us all. and may all of us addict to being connect with our inner self.

"The gate to heaven, is easily open by those who is small, by those who reject the wisdom of this world, by those who are content to be contemptible and foolish for god by kneeling before the Eucharistic signs where our lord is truly present. .."

Re: A Hug, A Handshake and A Kiss

So....

All of the sudden on Monday May 10, 2010. the morning.

I "landed" a kiss at my family. my grandma.
Just when we were preparing for breakfast/lunch she suddenly came up to me and told me how much she loves the drawing I drew on the envelop of the card we gave her.. (she was holding it while saying it)

She's like, "it must have take so long~ I just saw it now, didn't see the envelope yesterday, this is so nice!" and then she pulled me to her and wanted me to give her a smooch on her face and of course I did.

I said, "no it doesn't take long.." (really it was less than a minute draw..)

So yes... I did kiss my family, right after I thought of it the day before...

So weird. all these things you do and happen are all interestingly weaved together.

God's will?

A Handshake, a Hug and a Kiss

So today morning,

I got one handshake and one hug (no kiss though)

Handshake
A little less than 5 months ago, that same hand shakes me.
It was during Christmas time. The first time I went to my parish after you don't know how long. The pastors always stay outside the mass hall and handshake attendees when they exited the door. So I got this handshake, I was pretty desperate cos I was in the rock bottom. That warm handshake gave me hope, and a welcome sign. I knew God was there waiting for me to go back to church because I don't know how I got to shake the Father's hand cos there were just so many people going to church during Christmas season, plus the crowd of people that leaves church every mass does not allow everyone to shake hand with the pastor.

and after many more days, today, I developed this habit to leave church a little later so the leaving crowd is thinner. Somehow, I guess the people got "distracted" by the flowers sale for the mother's day so Fr was pretty "free" hahah. and somehow he was right in front of me when I exit, so I got this handshake and the simple "how are you?" to each other and the eyes contact said everything, nothing else is needed to say. *warm*

Hug
Anyway. The hug, was another story, I'm referring to my mom in this case. I tried to hug her whenever I go out. I "forced" myself to started this habit. It's a weird action between us Chinese?! So to start hugging my mom, it's sort of unnatural at first, but I am surprised how much she likes that too. And I realized, me and her both needed this. I don't see smile so sweet on her face at all and it was only during the times we hug, her smile was big and it's warm. and I bet my face melt a little too?!

So I tried to do that. oh. I didn't get her anything for mother's day today... so I just gave her a hug and Happy Mother's Day... (Sorry mom, I was going to buy the flowers from the church.. but they are $20.. I can't afford to spend more money... probably will make origami flowers now to make it up :)

No Kiss (yet)
Though it's so natural for me to kiss my friends and also my friends' parents! Yes, I kissed my friend's parents cos they kissed me when we greet each other... It's been how long I haven't kiss any of my family members? while I can kiss other people... I wonder what this is? :D

Asian culture? or is just an excuse... I don't know.. I think my next step to my "family relationship overhaul" would be more XX! :x

Do it Anyway.

Originally written by Kent Keith, second half rewritten in more spiritual way.

This verses is written on the wall of Blessed Mother Teresa intended to the children in Calcutta, India.


People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

~Mother Teresa


She is definitely one of my role models now, I didn't realized how humble of a servant of God she is until I read more things about her. Mother Teresa is a familiar figure for me, because I came from the high school named after her, I should really know her, but during those years, I really just saw her as one of the dedicated famous person who does charity work, nothing more, nothing less.. For me at that time, she is flat with no human character (because she is seen as almost saint!)

Now that I studied more about her, I found that she has many doubts and possibly suffered from depression of her own, which surprised me alot because from her works I thought she was all golden and shiny saint like. I would never thought she has constant doubts of God and His existence. The way of her working continually with the poor and needed ones while struggling on her belief and doubts is very inspiring. I think all of us are like that... some point in our lives we struggle, we doubt, we start to blame and hate God or others or even ourselves... but it's funny how at the end, we had all comes to the same wants - we all want to be good and do good, that's all.

Doesn't matter what your belief system is. Doesn't matter what your circumstances are. Do good anyway.

Last week of school.

Full of procrastinating and praying. I procrastinated, and then I prayed to God to make things go okay.. Sigh. And what a forgiving God... I seems to be okay. ^.^

God. Thank you. Thank you for helping this sinner who screw things up! Thank you for blessing me with good things, I know I probably don't deserve it!

See you tomorrow, last day of school, and before that, I want to visit you at the morning mass because I miss you already! ^_^

Growing my God

"You can tell the size of your God by looking at the size of your worry list. The longer your list, the smaller your God."

OH MY GOD, this is a slap on my face. So true.. I'm so going to grow my God...!!!! ^0^ (Suddenly I felt full of hope and energy!)... ERASING, ERASING worry..!!! After today, is another day... more fun and happiness!!!

Im free... but am I found?

"My Day will not be determined by how people treat me. My success is not determined by man. No matter how many times I fall I know God will be there to pick me up. Yes I will have trails and tribulation . But I know my God will carry me through them all."

Am I really "found"? I am free now, I don't worry much, I depend on many other things that I should have done long ago(God, Family, Friends)... but does that mean I'm "found"???

Where am I going from here?

Forum

A random comment by a net friend:

"why u want importance? why u want apologizing ? thts not you, thats your ego, attitude, insecurity... hurt, hatred, convert all that to love...peace and harmony...... look as all are equal....u allowed someone to behave the way they behaved.... u were not aware...of your self, you needed help, the other person needs more help than you....you want to do it, and cant... the other person might not even know.... what he has to do .... love most to the people who hurt you.... love melts all blockages....."

Can love make everything possible? Can I really believe in the power of love? Can I really trust that God can makes the impossible possible? When there's nothing more I can do but forced to drop the whole darn business? I have nothing else I can do but to love it I guess!!!

I guess I have to. I am telling myself every moment now that I am loving, I'm calm, I'm happy. I have all the things I need in life, I really think so now, there's nothing more I need. I am not dying, I'm healthy. I'm not starving, I'm full. I'm not homeless, I have a home. There's no other better choice.... I am happy!! But how come I felt like I'm wearing this "mask" again?

Do I want to dwell in hate? Do I want to be unhappy? Do I want to be angry? I don't. But why is it so hard. What the hell is going on? I need food, I need exercise, I need jokes, I need internet, I need chocolates, I need books, I need friends, I need air, I need something more???. What the hell do I need now? What the hell do I want to do with myself now? I already have these things, where am I heading to?

I need God, He is with me already, right? I'm peaceful, I'm not going bizarrely angry. But what should I do next, my God? It would be nice if you can tell me. Haven't I changed already? I felt like it's been 4 years since winter...!! I felt like I am born again. Am I not good enough??? Why do I feel stuck again? How come I always wander away from You, my God? I need to catch up, but my burden is so heavy, I need to drop it, drop everything, NOW.

Probably I need to kill my ego, I need to kill my pride, I need to unstuck.. Can You tell me how to do this??? I hated that I have this esteem/insecurity, why do I still feel "hurt"? When really, I wasn't hurt, it was my insecurity that hurt.... I need some serious reflection, I want to just drop everything and stay by myself in some random forest or something... I cannot wait till this school done.. but I'm procrastinating!! Sigh... Why am I so weak :(

Avoid

Did you ever do that?

You see someone you know from far away, but at that moment, you don't want to talk to them so you avoid them by walking the other direction or you don't look at them.

I am guilty for doing that in school.

Last week, and today.

Funny thing is, I avoid one person, and then I immediately bump into another person. That another person literally appear from nowhere and we start talking. (I have to cos we see each other...)

I didn't want to talk at first, but it's a good feeling when you talk to people... though at first I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone...

When I think about it now, I avoided to talk to people because:

I don't want them to ask me "How are you?". Because I don't have much to say except I'm so happy that I am practicing my spiritual life these days (hahaha.. which is really all I did these few months- reading reading and reading.. praying praying and praying... listening listening and listening, singing to myself singing to myself and singing to myself... some school works and 3 design projects on my own, that's all.. The most exciting thing for me is to go to church two times a week, but I know that's not the thing many people I can tell without them getting bored?!.... And oh, probably my facebook life that occupies 1/5 of my day ... hahaha... which I'm not sure who wants to know how much I addict to internet and how I have no life.. haha)

Anyway, two times in two weeks, I avoided someone, and then someone else literally ran into me... they did ask me "how are you?" It's only by then I realized that there are actually nothing I should avoid - how much I want to reveal to them is up to me. I didn't say much except we talked about our classes and some summer plan, etc.

Maybe God's telling me there really nothing I need to avoid. God must be teaching me that I have choices, I can expose myself or not, I can choose not to pretend.

Before, I used to buff myself and felt that I have to tell and show people how good I'm doing, how good I'm feeling, how good my relationship is, how great was the food from that restaurant I went, how great was the karaoke/dinner/dessert birthday party was, how good was the dinner my grandma cooked, how good was that movie or show I watched yesterday, how nice was that day or camping trip, etc... I didn't think it was healthy when I even do that to my bf, my family, and most importantly, to myself. I avoided all the bad things, I cursed the bad feelings, I deny the terrible feeling inside me that haunted me whenever I'm alone. The more I cursed, avoided and denial this bad feelings , the more I felt hopeless... and the less I talk about the real me cos I wanted to deny every bad things I was feeling, I just talked commercial things, I just talked easy happiness that everyone can understand and relate to. I'm still not sure if it's because I didn't want others to worry? I didn't want others to know about myself? or I didn't want them to look down on me? or I simply don't care about my true self?... The closest thing I can think of now is that I probably didn't know who would understand me, I didn't trust anyone.... The most screw up thing is - I felt that not even myself understand myself anymore because I was so uncontrollably angry and sad at the end! I scared the hell out of myself when I get totally mad at everything and depressed about everything. I didn't even know what I was doing, who I was, where I was going anymore. (Wow~!!! don't you love this analysis, I should start writing a novel...)

Anyhow! From this "screw up" feelings I had before, now that I know how to "unscrew"... I learned to just be honest, and honest doesn't mean you have to tell people everything. I can choose what to say, and I don't have to curse or deny anything. To do that I have to rely not on myself only, but on God. Alone, I'm powerless... with the strength and peace that God provide me, I can finally sort things out and feel at ease.

Well. Thank you God for teaching me this. And of course, at the same time, You showed me that there are people in the school that take the extra step to talk to me. (gosh, I don't have hangout friends in school but at least I'm not a total loner I guess.. thanks! :P)

Re: Freebie

So I mentioned there are these Blessed Images I got in mail.

Looking at the images is peaceful, but reading the words behind the card is even more meaningful.

It's an image of Our Lady of Guadalupe's is 8 1/2 months pregnant, bearing in her womb the gift of life... the infant Christ child.

Anyway, long story short, this is an image based on a miracle appearances from December 9 - 12, 1531. Our Lady of Guadalupe appeared to a Saint in Mexico herself, so they painted this image of her, through this painting that speaks thousands of words, it helped Mexico to end it's culture of daily life sacrifices to pagan god by converting 8 million people to Catholics within 7 years.

In this card, it invites me to spiritually adopt a child by offering my prayers to help end abortion in the world. Just like how it helps to end life sacrifices, now they invite us to end another form of culture of death - abortion.

By praying to Our Holy Lady, I had now spiritually adopt an unborn baby who is in danger of abortion. It says "in eternity I will meet the child whose life I saved by my prayers."

Alright, I will go pray for my spiritual child now and as many times as possible in the future. ^^v I have to save babies lives~~! Suddenly feels like I can help the world, this is a great feeling.

Death is Hope

"Since Jesus has raised from the grave, the tomb and death are no longer a place without hope, where the story ends with a complete failure, where man touches his extreme limits of his powerlessness, from the day when Christ was raised, the cross, which seems to be the sign of abandon, of loneliness, of failure, becomes a new beginning. From the depth of death brings the promise of eternal life. Lord, let us carry our crosses with love, our daily crosses, in the certainty that they are illuminated by the radiance of Easter." - Pope Benedict XVI

Something my pastor said today in mass that touches me very much: Easter is about life, it's about joy. It's about hope after death, it's about hope in the hopelessness when everything seems to come to an end. When there are struggles and failures, we have to remember there's always hope and His great love from God. Christ is risen, truly He is risen! ^_^

HAPPY EASTER!!! ^0^

Do you care?

A friend of a friend's story.

There was this roommate of his.
One day he got back to the dorm.
"Hey" he said.
"..." He is lying on bed sleeping he guessed.

So he just did his thing and after a while.
It gets very quiet.
He walked up to his bed, push him by his shoulder.
"..." No noise, he flipped him over.
Underneath the blanket, he has his hand laying on a pistol, then he noticed the bullet hold on his right forehead.

The note in the blood reads: "No one care anyway."


For many people, they cannot see who care about them.
No one show them any care. They get despair and hopeless.
If they only knew God cares.
If those around them only show them care.

I am telling myself to care to care everyone and anyone.
Before, I don't see anyone care about me, but now that I found Him.
I only need Him to care about me.
The rest of the people, I may or may not "careless"...

I still believe that I am a caring person, even though I am a stiff talker and stubborn "big woman".
I believe I can do everything through God, I only have to ask and He will give me the strength.
If no one is doing to me, I can do this to them.

Re: Real Food for Thought: Coffee

I had been hateful again.

I told myself today. That to be loved meaning to love, I said it many times before. But I again got hateful again.. *slap myself*.. sigh.. this bring a question to my mind today: "Is unconditional love exist? Where do we find them?"

Anyway, unconditional love exist only in God. Saints are inspirational.. they are the "tools of God" reaching the point that their practice transmute God's love... Are Saints unconditional lovers? Yes, it's been told... And that brings Jesus pop into my head... He is God's Son, born as human. He loves, He forgives, He endures, everything, unconditionally. Does that mean human can actually be like God??

The Bible told us that human are created in the image of God... (But aren't we suppose to be humble and obey God, not trying to be God? I need to study more into this...)

God loves us unconditionally, I never love unconditionally, in fact, I might not even love before.. Will we be able to things unconditionally in a world like ours?? Is it possible? Can we all be Saints or Jesus? Can we really spread unconditional love start from ourselves?

Even a Stranger would

Just now, as I came back from the mass. I found a surprise message in my facebook inbox:

Wanda H. R. March 21 at 10:35am
Sweet Savior, thank you for Angela and all the good things you have placed in her. Please help her in the situation she finds her self in right now. Give her your sweet peace and let her rest in your presence where there is fullness of joy. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Thanks God for using Wanda to show me your love to the humble me, this really hit my heart.
How come it seems so hard to keep prayers for the people we know and the family and friends we are so close to? While even a stranger would have offer prayers to another stranger?

Time for me to do more praying and forgiving.

Wobbly Foot

I have this feeling I am falling back behind. I need to stand firm.

I felt relax again and got lazy. So tired even waking up at 10am! (can I still blame Daylight Time Saving after 4 days? maybe, cos I wake up exactly around the same time I used to for 3 months!)

I feel I'm at peace now that I feel normal. Way too normal... am I the person who always looking for dramas? (I have a feeling I might be, which I despise of..)

But I think I had made positive change by having moments of totally peacefulness, I'm surprised to find myself these times when I don't think of anything but just sit or lie down. (At least this is something I haven't had for a while now.

I also did something very very brave on Tuesday, God and I are in good roll (finally). I am finally "officially" in good "status" ^_^ Okay, I don't want to get all religious suddenly, but all I can say is I felt good and being loved. (though to be honest... I continue to feel lacking... I'm lacking something, something I don't even know what it is still... let me do more self reflection/prayer)

"Hold the thought that you would like God's loving assistance, and it is done."

Underneath the Darkness

These days I had been watching CTS (Crossroads Television Network) alot (Channel 9 in Toronto TV in case you want to know). It's a Catholic TV Channel. (I love there boardcasting morning mass at 9:30am... lol! sorry God I was eating breakfast and observing a mass.... ~_~) Yesterday, on 100 Huntley Street (every Friday morning at 10am, every weeknigths replays) There's this interview with a band called switchfoot (A American Christian rockband).

They are a group of guys in their 30s I guess. Many inspirational quotes came out from them, one that caught my eyes is this "Hope lies underneath darkness". ^-^

In my understanding, without darkness, without despair, we don't see hope. Much like how we don't see the stars with our campfire in front of us. If our lives are all rainbows and straight roads, we probably never will find the true lights in life. I'm glad I failed my life for a moment now that I found my purpose.

Today I was reading this book called "Psalm 23" (bought from thrift store for $0.99!!! AMAZING deal). It touches on this one point that totally hit me - everything we did, everything we wanted, everything we seek - "Family, friends, love, job, money" is for us to find our meaning of life, we define ourselves with any of these things according to our interests. But at the end of the day when you got everything you think you wanted, what else are there you want? Why do I keep wanting more? Because you want joy, you just want to be happy, you want happiness that never end, you filled yourself up with all the things you can possibly own to do this. We felt happy because we achieve these things. You are forever in this "track mill" you keep chasing one thing after another. And then you realized we are all going to die one day, we all can't escape the "end". So the answer now for some of us is we want "eternity", where's this "eternity" that we all want? where's this peace and joy that we can't find in any of these things we own now?

This has been one thing I had searched for in my 26 years of life - where's eternity, where's true happiness that never die? When I was younger, I go to school, I make friends, I hang out, I eat good food, I travel, I laugh and jokes, I do all the crazy things everyone does if not more, all the things I did I thought that bring me "joy"! I was a happy young girl for a bit. But no, nothing can give me real joy, the "happiness" faded after I got home, after I said bye bye to friends, after I digested my great meal. As I grew older, this "empty feeling" got stronger and stronger, over the last 5 years, I was doing great in my first two years of university, I was having fun with friends, I got a nice boyfriend, I was traveling around alot, I planned my future, going to get married going to get a job, going to have kids, etc, etc. But when I got all the things I thought I would ever wanted, it didn't make me really happy. Then where is this happiness that I want? Am I wanting too much? Am I being greedy, why do I keep wanting more and more? ~~>_<~~ From then, I went into my "dark age", where I thought to myself and said to my beloved one "I'm bored, what is there to do? Even if we do this and that and then that, what's next? What is life really mean? What else is there? I will die eventually anyway, what's the point?" I got my "dark age", I was this "dead" zombie lived through the past 5 years almost can't remember what I had done. There are these thousand of days where I now cannot remember how I got up, what I did, and how I went to bed. -__- I was totally screwed up. And then now that I felt like I lost most of the things I had (failed my classes, screwed up family relations, failed my job, lost my bf, lost contact with most friends). I found "God". God is the question to everything.

I don't believe God is this human figure that we imagine Him to be, as humans, we did the best we can to image God as this "father" figure that we have in our pictures and artworks. I am more believe God as a spirit, an unlimited source of power/love that no one can put a form or shape to describe it. ^^b

God's not to be found in this physical world (because I had tried to look for it in all the things, but without acknowledging God's presence, I failed, and I started to hate God and abandoned my faith).

This unlimited source of power/love seeded in each one of us, it's deep inside us, only it takes time for anyone to realized it and bring forth. You may not even believe in "God" at all, but think about it... trace it, "for all the things you want in your life, why do you want them?" Look inside you, ask yourself: "What do you want in your life? Do I have everything that I want?" Feel it inside you: "What is this feeling in me that felt so "empty"?" Feel it, think, and be honest to yourself. "Do you feel empty?" I am sure most people would have this feeling, if not strong, it has to be very subtle there. This "emptiness" you felt (strong or weak) might have been the missing puzzle of the purpose of life - that needs "God" to fill it up. ^_^

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, And die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."

Catch the Chance, Believe and get it!!

I am extremely proud and excited for Canada Men's hockey team!

In the beginning of the game,
they got the lead, they almost got it!
Only around 23 more seconds they could have got gold!

NO!! Americans tied it!
Over time?? "No problem!"

Took a break, reorganized, fight on!
They were on fire! Never give up any chances!
Americans were stunted!

Suddenly there's the golden goal,
unexpected for most,
and it was even unexpected for the shooter Crosby,
but it was expected for me.

Because it's about time!!!! I never have a doubt that they will win this!
(I'm not just saying it now that they won, I did told everyone Canada's going to get Gold tonight!)


God must have let us waited for the overtime
God delay this gift because He wants to give us only the greatest joy!!!



Crosby said in his interview: "just catching chances, eventually it will go in." I too, need to learn to catch chances, and it will be success given to me from God soon when I am ready.


Delaying in the moment, I know that the best from God for me will soon be arrived!! and it will be the most extraordinary thing happened to me!!!




I need to work hard, I can't stand still anymore!! I have to get moving and get that "goal"!

May the Holy Spirit comes upon me and you and everyone to give us peace. May God give us strength to do everything through His power! Everything is possible, when you believe, pray and ask for it!!!