Fourteen weeks and four days

So it's been that long since I blog here. And within these many weeks, lots have happened.

I have (re)found my new hobby. I am pretty in love with photo taking still.. especially when just the past weekend taking some amazing lightening and effect photos at the camping... I think I still love it so much that I wanted to explore more...! Can't wait for upcoming trip to Israel to take some amazing photo.. with a upgraded body too! v^0^v

I have found some new friends of my boyfriend's. They are extremely warm hearted people. Each of them have such distinct personality but when all of them group together, it's such a dynamic group that shines! Thanks for including me and I love being with them.

Oh, I had just slipped my mouth and yea.. I have found new love. I literally got moved by him four days after valentine's day. Is this a valentine's day fever? If so, then this must be a very long fever, we are still going strong.. nothing much has differ our relationship yet. Let's see how it gets when 6 months hit eh? I love him very much tho, he is the most retard(ly funny, kind, lighthearted, easy-going, smart, cute) human being who has yet being in my love life.

Unfortunately I have still not yet found a way to be with my family better, these days have been a stress, I still have been silently having power struggle between me and grams. I don't know what to do with seniors. Maybe I need to be home more but what is there to do?

Anyhow. Summer is almost here. I can't believe :D Happy June!

Respect has to be earned. Not by age.

I believe everyone deserves respect, the level of it does not depends on how old or young you are, how *well* you do in life in whichever area it is, how much good or bad things you do. Everyone deserves being treat with respect.

With one exception: You do not deserve my respect if you are being disrespectful to me and others.



I respect my elders in my family, I always listen to what they say, I even *idolize* them when I was younger because I used to believe the elders' words are always right. But recently, maybe since one or two years ago, my view on this changes.

I start to feel that I and other family members are being treated with lack of respect by them. It's not about what kinds of things they have done to the house, to the family, how much money they support us in different way, how nice they gave birth to my parent or what old age they are at so that they deserve my respect. I'm thankful for whatever things they have done, truly. They had already earned my respect since long time ago, they got it all, they were my idols, but they lost it all now! How?

I had learned to believe that for anyone to earn respect from me, first and forth most is to be respectful to me and others. Arrogant does not last a person long, people do not like arrogance in people. No one is right all the time, no one is obligate to do what others said, no one is to be control by anyone. If the only thing they have in their old minds is "I'm old, I am lived to be respected, and you just have to do that even tho I treat you like shit and talk shit about you." Sorry, you have lost my respect, forever.

They just don't respect me and others as human, period. This has turned me off from them slowly, and I'm now completely turned off now that they have pushed me off the edge, I'm out of here. In this case, I can no longer treat them well like I could have because I do not want to be close to a disrespectful person, let alone love them the way it should be.

I cannot believe I have just been told because I'm younger than them (*little young girl* I was called) and they are the seniors, so I do not need to be respect by them, can be called by nasty names, can be shout at, or beat up. They do not even care that I'm sad and feeling disrespected, I have to respect them and listen to them, just because they gave birth and raise me, and just because I'm younger than them.

These seniors do not deserve my respect and love. I am stating this here and now. No matter how old, how much seniority above me you are, if you don't even know how to respect others, you do not earn my respect. and sorry to say this, I think if at this age you still don't know how to be respectful to others, you have wasted yourself a lifetime. Period.



Searching online about this topic, I came across these very interesting comments that I can related to:

"...just because you're young doesn't mean the elders don't need to respect you. If one doesn't earn the respect, one will not get it."

"No Elders are not always right . We should respect them but not supposed to listen to all advice except those would be helpful."

"Length of living is not an apt criteria for judging whether a person is good or bad. His deeds during this period counts more... he has to earn his name"

"Respect is earned by how you treat others, it isn't something passed out after you reach a certain age."

Re: A Hug, A Handshake and A Kiss

So....

All of the sudden on Monday May 10, 2010. the morning.

I "landed" a kiss at my family. my grandma.
Just when we were preparing for breakfast/lunch she suddenly came up to me and told me how much she loves the drawing I drew on the envelop of the card we gave her.. (she was holding it while saying it)

She's like, "it must have take so long~ I just saw it now, didn't see the envelope yesterday, this is so nice!" and then she pulled me to her and wanted me to give her a smooch on her face and of course I did.

I said, "no it doesn't take long.." (really it was less than a minute draw..)

So yes... I did kiss my family, right after I thought of it the day before...

So weird. all these things you do and happen are all interestingly weaved together.

God's will?

A Handshake, a Hug and a Kiss

So today morning,

I got one handshake and one hug (no kiss though)

Handshake
A little less than 5 months ago, that same hand shakes me.
It was during Christmas time. The first time I went to my parish after you don't know how long. The pastors always stay outside the mass hall and handshake attendees when they exited the door. So I got this handshake, I was pretty desperate cos I was in the rock bottom. That warm handshake gave me hope, and a welcome sign. I knew God was there waiting for me to go back to church because I don't know how I got to shake the Father's hand cos there were just so many people going to church during Christmas season, plus the crowd of people that leaves church every mass does not allow everyone to shake hand with the pastor.

and after many more days, today, I developed this habit to leave church a little later so the leaving crowd is thinner. Somehow, I guess the people got "distracted" by the flowers sale for the mother's day so Fr was pretty "free" hahah. and somehow he was right in front of me when I exit, so I got this handshake and the simple "how are you?" to each other and the eyes contact said everything, nothing else is needed to say. *warm*

Hug
Anyway. The hug, was another story, I'm referring to my mom in this case. I tried to hug her whenever I go out. I "forced" myself to started this habit. It's a weird action between us Chinese?! So to start hugging my mom, it's sort of unnatural at first, but I am surprised how much she likes that too. And I realized, me and her both needed this. I don't see smile so sweet on her face at all and it was only during the times we hug, her smile was big and it's warm. and I bet my face melt a little too?!

So I tried to do that. oh. I didn't get her anything for mother's day today... so I just gave her a hug and Happy Mother's Day... (Sorry mom, I was going to buy the flowers from the church.. but they are $20.. I can't afford to spend more money... probably will make origami flowers now to make it up :)

No Kiss (yet)
Though it's so natural for me to kiss my friends and also my friends' parents! Yes, I kissed my friend's parents cos they kissed me when we greet each other... It's been how long I haven't kiss any of my family members? while I can kiss other people... I wonder what this is? :D

Asian culture? or is just an excuse... I don't know.. I think my next step to my "family relationship overhaul" would be more XX! :x

I stepped on a snail

My dad told me that when I bummed into him Sunday morning. I was going home from church, he was going to church. We walked the same way only the opposite direction. There were snails everywhere on the sidewalk cos it has rained earlier in the morning.

While walking home, I realized, how we don't invite each other to much of the things in my family. The most likely family activity would be dim sum with grams, and occasionally grams invite me or dad, or my uncle along. That's all. We don't do anything else. (besides dinner)

And while I thought how distant me and my dad are earlier that day. Just the same Sunday, at night, this little miracle happens.. I was bit upset while talking to a friend on msn because I got emotional a little about what we talked about (like our struggles, life, God, etc).. then my dad walks in. He saw me and we somehow started talking.

Thanks. I think it's been ages (literally), since we ever talk about "feelings". and it's probably my first time talking to him like this. God likes to play these miracles does He? though for some other people this probably's not any miracle, but for me, it's a miracle.


A personal story he's telling me:

"Some people complained on the ship while in the storm - "the ship is so wobbly", "why does the pilot drive the ship like this?""

"It's possible to find a smaller storm to pass through, but the entire area of the ocean is in storm, the ship is going to be wobbly for sure, you just have to accept that this is a ship in a storm"



There are more he said, but this is the one I liked the most.

I believe I caught a great chance, God must have given me this chance to talk to my dad. If I was like before saying "nothing, it's okay". then things wouldn't turn out like this. I learned. sometimes I have to say "it's not okay". ^_^ That's it, keep going lala. I can do this!

頭痛和心痛一樣痛苦

頭痛, 我並不是在說我對任何事情迷惑
我在說真正的頭痛.

不好受.

我通常不會頭痛.

昨天是高興的一天，我什至在晚上做運動試圖擺脫頭痛. 但到今天我仍然頭痛.

我是否生病了？

我認為這些天我已經盡力保持自己在良好的狀態! 當我的心終於感覺有一點好了，為什麼我有這個?

突然意識到，沒有什麼比身和心也一起不暢快更糟糕的了.
我必須感謝我日常有的一切, 我學到, 一切從來不是理所當然的.

祝願大家有健康的靈魂，思想和身體!

Reflection Part 4 只要心常開

如何畫下"人"的定義?

對我來說做人的意義是"快樂"

以前，當我年輕時, "快樂"是玩耍, 談笑話
年齡稍大了少許, "快樂"是買東西, 吃東西, 出街, 不回家, 做盡一切瘋狂的事情
年歲更大少許, "快樂"是與喜歡的人經常在一起, 做彼此喜歡的事情
人更大了, "快樂"是什麼?

每隔一會兒我便有這種感覺, "快樂"是什麼? 我覺得自己已經做盡了一切我喜歡的事情了?!
不再買東西, 不再經常出街, 不再到處吃東西, 不再經常談笑話, 不再做瘋狂的事
那麼"快樂"在我是什麼?
找不到答案, 我沮喪, 我不想做任何事情.
我不開心. 做任何事情變得不成功, 我落入這個不開心的陷阱

我可以在哪裡找到"人的意義"?

最近，在大量的閱讀和大量的祈禱
我發現，它實際上非常接近我, 環繞我周圍其實都是"意義".
"快樂"其實就是環繞我周圍的一切!

我忽視了許多東西，因為我總是往遠距離的看, 遠距離的找.
我上面說的一切也是快樂, 不過那些是比較輕而易舉的快樂. (低級low level的快樂..)
難找到的是內心深處的快樂 (高級high level的快樂), 我終於覺醒要在哪裡找了!

內心深處最終極最強烈永不褪色的快樂 ("高呢"的快樂! ^^)是要往心裡找!
只要我把"心打開", 心就會自然"開心"!
以前，我從來沒有打開我的心. 我總是在外面尋找它...
擁抱, 相信, 愛一切，我的心就會是快樂的真正泉源

而這個愛的泉源, 只有天主可以使它永流不息!
祂是一切萬物的泉源, 請給我力量, 我的天主! 請幫助我"升呢"! 哈哈哈!



"... be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind..." - Romans 12:2

Reflection Part 3 只要家仍在

我說: "即使是最親密的人, 我也隱藏迴避, 因為我的感覺情緒超越我的思想控制範圍, 我只知道用怨恨去分享, 用惱怒去帶出問題, 恨東西總不是我想要的, 恨我不知道如何分析, 解決."



我意識到，我從來沒有學會如何與任何人溝通,
因為我一生從來沒有與家人溝通過



"家人"對我來說，和我對"朋友"一樣, 只是一個名詞, 意思是這些人和我一起生活, 一起管理這個"家". "家" 是一個地方, 一起居住的地方. "家"對我來說, 感覺是一個永不改變的東西, "家人"是不改變的, 一生的. 父母和祖父母說的做的, 我從來不認為我可以改變. 年紀愈大我愈不喜歡這個家, 我開始恨因為我會永遠"困"在這家, 因為我不認同我家人的態度. 直到最近，我發現，我和我恨的家人都是一樣的, 他們一直塑造"我". 這個"我"其實從他們那裡繼承所有"我"不喜歡的東西. "我"總是一直將這些不喜歡的東西附帶到我身邊的人身上...




迴避,不說,不講,不理,不想,"隱藏"是我家的作風. 一切避免談是我家的習慣. 有什麼事便嚇唬, 用叫叱, 哭喊發洩出來, 互相控制. 直到一切又回到和平，就好像什麼都沒有發生，沒有人會談論這件事.



我家從不解決任何事, 只假裝什麼都沒有發生. 直到下一次同樣的事情再次發生，這一循環永遠不結束. 因此"我"恨這個家, 因為我會永遠"困"在這永遠不結束的惡姓循環. 現在想一想, 我其實也暗地裡恨"我自己", 因為我不知道該怎麼辦. 恨我的思想控制範圍控制不到這一切, 恨我沒有一個我想要的人生, "家"! 我什至用這種態度對待我的愛人, 恨我們的僵局, 恨我們不一起解決任何事, 但我從來不勇敢去說過我們的問題. 因為我對待他就像我對待家人一樣, 我用從我在家所知道的最好的方法... "隱藏" "免談問題". 我不快樂.


不快樂的事情永無止境發生, 結束這一循環是明智之舉..
當我終於改變我看事情的態度, 現在我學習了行到路的另一邊, 用積極的態度對待每一個人, 我不能繼續和他們走在負面的路上, 做一樣負面的事情, 因為這樣，我只會和他們一樣使用負面的態度來對待一切. 我不希望再是這樣. 我不希望再陷入無休止的循環.



我發現，用了善意的態度後，我們的關係都感覺更好。我終於與我的媽媽談話, 並告訴她我對她的關心. 即使是每一天簡單的問候, 我祖父母的心情也變得好了, 我也勇敢地提醒他們有時候談話時，太過於憤怒。




只要一天大家仍然在這個家, 只要永不放棄大家, 只要我繼續用積極的態度去戰勝其消極的習慣. 我相信，家庭關係只會更好. 只要永不放棄... 對不對, 天主?

Reflection Part 2 只友情永在

"好朋友", 原來他們已一直在我身邊
想法接近我的，想法不太接近我的，不要緊
我學會接受一個事實 - 每個人是不同的，經驗不同，想法不同
但是我們相同的是都希望和人在一起, 分享感情, 分享想法, 相互支持, 沒有人希望孤獨的
這些好朋友讓我不孤獨, 他們真誠地支持我.

"最好的朋友", 原來他們也是一直在我身邊
只是我們從不談論自己，認識對方數餘年, 十餘年, 我們從來沒有分享我們的感受，因為我們彼此沒有作出主動! 許多年來我從來不跟任何人有太密切的關係. 跟我風花說月的人好多, 因我是貪玩的, 他們令我忘記我的憂慮, 從前我喜歡這些類型的"朋友", 因為我怕太接近任何人. "最好的朋友" 對我來說，是一個名詞, 意思是這個朋友和我有同樣的愛好, 做事習慣和價值觀. "最好的朋友", 對我來說，只意味著與他/她一起我有更多的樂趣.

直到最近因為我很傷心，心血來潮地跟我這從來沒有講心事的老朋友講心裡話, 說著說著, 越說越感覺原來錯過了這麼多年, 我最好的朋友竟然近在咫尺, 這老朋友和我有幾乎相同一樣的情況，和我幾乎相同的感受, 對生命我們也正在盡力搜尋自己方向?! 原來"最好的朋友"不僅一起做愉快的事情，還包括其他所有的東西，無論高興或不高興, 最重要的是誠實地分享。 分享心事後，相互支持，如果情況允許,提出意見或分析，但大多數在分享後，你其實已經大約知道你想做的事了

我幾乎可以肯定，我一生從來沒有這樣做，即使是最親密的人, 我也隱藏迴避, 因為我的感覺情緒超越我的思想控制範圍, 我只知道用怨恨去分享, 用惱怒去帶出問題, 恨東西總不是我想要的, 恨我不知道如何分析, 解決. 坐下真正誠實的分享,用心的分析對我來說是新的經驗. 以往, 我一直躲在我生氣的面具後. 我錯了. 我什至不知道何為真正的朋友!!


當這些天我打開我的心, 和每一個人用心交談, 發現真正的朋友已一直在我周圍, 感覺是驚喜，喜悅. 像在漆黑的房間裡，燈突然地亮開，其實所有人也在這一個房間裡。其實我從來不是一個人!




問自己: "我這些年來怎麼沒發現?" 情很奇怪，永遠不知道它在哪裡。
但我意識到，友情，原來已經在這裡很久, 一直等著我!
感謝天主的計劃使我們接近, 使我發現到這情!
天主的計劃真是美麗!

Reflection Part 1b 只有神永在

回到天主, 重新聯絡, 再次祈禱, 感覺不是害怕. 還有一種放鬆感. 因為我這一次終於面對我的屈結, 出生在一個天主教家庭, 我意識到我從來就不是一個真正的天主教徒. 好東西感謝，壞東西麻怨, 我所有事沒有信心 - 包括天主


現在，當我覺得我什麼也沒有. 回到天主身邊, 是一個覺悟?



我問: "這一次的變化是在天主的計劃之內麼？"
"是的!" 我的心告訴我.

我決定把我現有緊餘的希望和愛給予天主, 把我所有的怨恨也統統交給祂
祈禱, 祈禱, 再祈禱
閱讀, 閱讀, 再閱讀
我的心放開了, 統統把一切好和壞交給天主
祂立即提供了更多更多的一切!

我突然覺得和朋友, 家人沒有以前那種距離感
發現其實如果我保持一種良好的態度, 所有人是善良和喜歡被重視的
我從來知道自己善良和有善, 但我一直離遠每個人, 我一直躲在我的面具後. 放下偽裝, 勇敢地告訴我的朋友我的弱點, 感覺真好!


這些天是我有生之年和任何人最為接近的日子...
當然這都是因為這些天也是我有生之年和神最為接近的日子



"天主, 您一直等著我嗎?"
"是的!" 我的心告訴我.
"我現在知道愛, 知道天主的愛, 永遠是最好的."
"天主的計劃永遠是最好的" 我的心告訴我.

Reflection Part 1 只有神永在

人就是這麼怪, 當你把心思放在一件事上, 你會忽略另一件事一心二用, 三用, 四用...非常困難. 至少我不擅長... 覺悟到這些年來,我對愛情, 友情, 親情, 天主通通忽略! 因為我的一個心, 根本從來沒有打開過. 我的心許多年也在怨, 恨, 悲, 忿, 怒, 哀, 對萬事沒有信心, 因為我覺得世界欠我許多其他人有，但我沒有的東西! 多年來我一心去恨, 不能把任何東西放進心. 這些情緒蒙蔽我的眼睛. 使我看不到任何我實際上有的好東西. 一直怕談, 怕任何人問我, 怕任何人談論我. 怕改變自己因為我不想失去我有限, 認知的東西.

直到在這新的一年, 沒有預先認知的人生變化讓我昔日自我建立的偽裝全然粉碎...! 心感覺空蕩蕩的像有一大片被切割了下來, 身體好像被雷電擊中不能移動, 思想被打漂到一個離遠的距離，我可以看到自己...看上去多可悲!! "這一次我真的搞砸了一切!"


突然, 我發現我現在什麼也沒有了...



重複問自己: "我在做什麼？這是我想要的麼？我為什麼這麼多年要這樣做？" "不, 不, 我多年來一直希望有更多的好東西!!!"
但我統統一手把這是我其實有的好東西一一推開, 打碎!!
哭乾, 疲倦, 突然地想起...


天主 ... 一個我背叛了多年的天主... 也許是我唯一有的了.



我決定放下一切, 回到祂! 即使我感到害怕... 即使我害怕改變!

(To be Continue)