Behind my Back

Just around 20 mins ago, I experienced this funny incident.

Someone talked 'behind' my back... in front of me....

How is this possible? Thanks to my unusually 'different' appearance today - it's one of the few days I wear my glasses... and I think I'm wearing this jacket and carrying this bag that I have not wear since last winter... The person didn't recognize me sitting beside them right there.

Anyway!! It's nothing personal, this classmate was talking to other friends of hers about thesis projects. and she took a long time to describe my concept to them, mainly for the purpose of stating the fact that GD students get to have so much freedom on their thesis compare to ED students. it's nice to hear her talk positively about others projects, especially when she is talking about me and how she would states my name when she talk about it is so sweet... The best thing is she sounds even more passionate about the concept than me!

She is a gentle and great person I recently met in a research class and we talked for like an hour last time we saw each other in the lab, exchanged lots of ideas and discussed other social issues... that's how she knows about my thesis.

It's interesting to hear how other people talks to others about yourself behind your back... in some cases can be criticism or others are compliments.. no matter what... the idea of having someone actually remember you enough to talk about you is quite nice...

oh. in this case, I'm taking this as a compliment since these fellows were quite engaged by my thesis concept...! Thanks my friend for talking behind my back! hahaha..



I will work hard on this... yes I will.. here goes my holidays!

Things come in three

Yesterday / Last Night

3 rather unfortunate events:

1. Wanted to get works done! But... TRL internet signal SUX big time. I just wanted to send some emails! Spent 40 minutes to ended up logging on their wireless for 4 times, getting shitty signal and got kicked and can't even go on google. Bam! Spent 5 minutes to logged on their desktop to get the to send some emails within 5 minutes! Left the place in a fire to do some other tasks.
   
2. So I decided to go buy gemstone so I can work on my jewellery project. Spent 45 mins walk to Queen Street East by Church Street to buy some gemstones, they don't carry cap stones. Referred to another place to get some, the person works there today is the daughter and have no clue like me, so she spent sometime to dial some numbers and asked the owner. I did end up with some beautiful and cheap, great stones from the 80s! I might have gotten myself some real ivory too... but they really remain "mystery stones". Fun time thanks Jenna, but I spent more time than I intended.
3. Travel to Mississauga for a field trip. A long one for me. Got to Islington station, take the 35 Mississauga bus (3 extra $!). Got poof when I didn't put in enough coins (they have a coin counting machines, unlike ghetto TTC!) driver is cool about it jokes with me, got me a transfer, and then the bus rolled, even went on highway! cool. Thought I missed the stop but didn't. I got transfer safe and the other 51 bus didn't take long (lucky me to catch it!). and more getting lost as the darn place is so dark, I learned my lesson for never go to a place again without writing down the address.. (I ended up calling Johnny and Aggie for help to search for the place address.. thanks!). Thank goodness, I made it at the end but were 15 mins late since I stayed on the bus, it looped and went back the way cos the stop was missed. Driver was kind and asked me where I need to go so he showed me the stop. They need a voice station call like TTC! (ha! TTC is better in this)
   
4. Actually there's one more thing, a 4th thing! The tour was great, and the people there were kind, so at the end they asked the bunch of us what we think was a best things you saw. Each of the two groups have one person to say something. The manager looked at me, I was about to say something but my mind went blank, so this classmate of mine said something... I feel so regret. I have so much that I want to say. and I can see that they want me to say something as I was pretty active throughout the tour. Sometimes life is like that, you missed the chance to shine just by this much, when you had given all the chances you need, you ended up didn't make use of it. Anyway, I need to concentrate more whenever I can. I guess the day/night/week was long for me. :( I so wished I did tell them the things I am so impress about them too... sigh... well I did spent time said bye to them and appreciate their time tho!
   

Budget Cooking, Start Now!

Yes, I am going to be cooking my own and my mom's meals from now on.
Everyone has to grow up, isn't it?


So my recipes in my mind so far:

Cheap cuts Stew (cheapest meat in the supermarket, add onion, carrots, potatoes and stock, slow cook it, optional tomatoes paste/soup)

Vegetable Stew (just get whatever vegetables that look like a good combination and cook it in water. Maybe pumpkins are good, they are cheap too sometimes, also thinking I can add cream or tomatoes to make it different every time, add chicken if it's cheap)

Mashed Potatoes (you cannot go wrong on this, make it different with roast garlic, chives, cream of mushroom, or even frozen vegetables, need butter or milk/cream for sure)

Hummus Dip (cheapest and healthiest snack on the market, make your own out of $1 big can, you cannot go wrong! add garlic, different types of herbs, chilli sauce, roasted pepper, different types of beans, and then pour in oil/olive oil, blend. done!)

Fried noodles or Soup noodles (just stir fried it with some mince meat and vegetables, for soup noodles, I want to make my own chicken stock)

Chicken Stock (easy, get a chicken, some vegetables, boil, done, freeze it to store. the chicken meat can make sandwiches by adding mayo and herbs!)

Some other Chinese Dishes (Fried Tofu and vegetable with sauce, stir fried meat and vegetables, lemon chicken, Fried fish with vegetable and sauce, Mushroom ad vegetable stir fried)

Some kind of soup (Tofu and miso soup, sour and spicy soup, seaweed soup, chicken soup)

Korean appetizer (Yea, I can always just get some chili paste, or some vinegar and garlic to make appetizer out of vegetables)

Pickled vegetables (I always like sour things, so I will try pickled some different kinds of vegetables so I can eat it with congee or oatmeal)

Congee, Rice, Oatmeal, etc (and also bread, noodles, pastas and potatoes as my main source of carbohydrates)

Frozen Vegetables and fruits (believe it or not, I read an article that say frozen vegetables are more nutritious than non frozen one)

Anything with Herbs (I always love and love and love herbs, finally I get to do my own cooking, I got to do different things with them)

Respect has to be earned. Not by age.

I believe everyone deserves respect, the level of it does not depends on how old or young you are, how *well* you do in life in whichever area it is, how much good or bad things you do. Everyone deserves being treat with respect.

With one exception: You do not deserve my respect if you are being disrespectful to me and others.



I respect my elders in my family, I always listen to what they say, I even *idolize* them when I was younger because I used to believe the elders' words are always right. But recently, maybe since one or two years ago, my view on this changes.

I start to feel that I and other family members are being treated with lack of respect by them. It's not about what kinds of things they have done to the house, to the family, how much money they support us in different way, how nice they gave birth to my parent or what old age they are at so that they deserve my respect. I'm thankful for whatever things they have done, truly. They had already earned my respect since long time ago, they got it all, they were my idols, but they lost it all now! How?

I had learned to believe that for anyone to earn respect from me, first and forth most is to be respectful to me and others. Arrogant does not last a person long, people do not like arrogance in people. No one is right all the time, no one is obligate to do what others said, no one is to be control by anyone. If the only thing they have in their old minds is "I'm old, I am lived to be respected, and you just have to do that even tho I treat you like shit and talk shit about you." Sorry, you have lost my respect, forever.

They just don't respect me and others as human, period. This has turned me off from them slowly, and I'm now completely turned off now that they have pushed me off the edge, I'm out of here. In this case, I can no longer treat them well like I could have because I do not want to be close to a disrespectful person, let alone love them the way it should be.

I cannot believe I have just been told because I'm younger than them (*little young girl* I was called) and they are the seniors, so I do not need to be respect by them, can be called by nasty names, can be shout at, or beat up. They do not even care that I'm sad and feeling disrespected, I have to respect them and listen to them, just because they gave birth and raise me, and just because I'm younger than them.

These seniors do not deserve my respect and love. I am stating this here and now. No matter how old, how much seniority above me you are, if you don't even know how to respect others, you do not earn my respect. and sorry to say this, I think if at this age you still don't know how to be respectful to others, you have wasted yourself a lifetime. Period.



Searching online about this topic, I came across these very interesting comments that I can related to:

"...just because you're young doesn't mean the elders don't need to respect you. If one doesn't earn the respect, one will not get it."

"No Elders are not always right . We should respect them but not supposed to listen to all advice except those would be helpful."

"Length of living is not an apt criteria for judging whether a person is good or bad. His deeds during this period counts more... he has to earn his name"

"Respect is earned by how you treat others, it isn't something passed out after you reach a certain age."

Want to talk to you...

But really you must be busy, who can I call anytime I need?

Probably no one... plus I don't want to stress out my friends when I have to talk about problems...

So I figure I should try the helpline...

Hey, I made my tax worth by calling the Distress Centres of Toronto, try that next time your upset... at least it helps to get to talk to someone...! (but the wait time on hold is like half an hour at least)

A pad on my own shoulders that at least I did something constructive instead of sleeping or sitting around thinking bad things...

Tomorrow too, I will get to talk to someone... I need the feeling of being support and listened to, you don't have to tell me what I can do, all you need to do is be there and... yea... be there and show me you actually care.

Smart girls are the one who makes the move!

Yes. I learned that alot of time when you want to be happy, you've got to make the move!!

It used to be about my *pride* to play it cool, never pursuit much things in life. but I realized from many lessons that you are the only one who really can make yourself happy. No one else can, but you!!

I'm so glad I made many moves these days that actually turns out to be more than I expect - which is good! (oh yea, these first moves ranges from arranging nightouts and trips, calling a friend out of the blue just to say hi, to picking up guys wherever I feel like to... hahhaha!!)

Anyway, my latest score tonight is this amazing late 1970s super 8 movie camera and a projector for an amazing deal... Thanks to God who made me saw this posting online, thanks to *me* to contact the seller in a nearly compulsive way (cos it's such a great buy and I sooo want to do some old school filming experiments), arranged a pick up after numbers of emails and phone calls exchange and here I am a happy girl with my new awesome acquisitions!

On my way to be a film maker! ^-^ I will be making some films in this holiday baby!

But first I want to buy some super 8 film/cartoon to watch it on my awesome projector first heheh!!! ^0^

It's Not the End of the World

Just got this new of my close friend's pet/family member passes away..

I feel and act like one my best friend has just passed away, crying, just like the time when I heard my mom's father passed away, or when my friend died suddenly.

The bottom line is, you are not really mourning for the pet/dog itself. Your mourning for the time and love you spent with any creatures, the memories of the times you spent together, the fun/frustration/happiness/whatever emotions you had during that time. These bunches of emotional strings attached that is really not about the creature/thing itself, but more to the records/pictures you have in your head that suddenly, when this object are no longer exist, you realized, there's no way you can relive the same feeling.

It's like when we were kid we cry when we broke or lost something precious to us. When we grow a little older we no longer cry about physical things that we break, we then cry about loss of jobs or school cos we thought we can rely on money and social success. After a while, we learned that jobs, school and money really doesn't matter, true inner happiness is the what matters so you focus on friends and family. Now we grow even more older, and we cry about our friends and family pass away, cos we realized our lives can be done so easily. and then after a few funerals, we learned that "that's life, no one will be living forever", all we have to do is be more careful, live for the moment in a reasonable manner and keep ourselves up there chasing our own happiness the best we can.

The older we grow, the less we really cry about things... soon, when I or you get so much more older we will just all be these peaceful wise men and wise women who say to everything: "It's not the end of the world"

Yes, life is short, it's not the end of the world, world continues to go around even when you disappear from the living world. The ultimate matter is, I guess, live our lives, and if you can, leave some form of impression on the world while your here?! (What that impression depends on what you want to do with your life)

BTW, I hope the end of the world is not coming anytime soon, or else we will all be crying for real this time!

Hey Guys

So what about dating someone now?

Sure, why not! But I realized it's hard to find compatible people nowadays... I feel like the older you get the more 'restrictions' you got, cos each of us are pretty much shaped at my age... and it's a weird feeling when you feel that there's this social gap around each one of us that keep us different from others... Once we fall into a certain 'groupies' we just sort of grew apart, isn't it?

It's not like we are young and playing in a sandbox where you don't give a damn who this person you playing with is anymore...

On the other hand, it's fun though, as always, meeting people is extremely fun for me and I love it!

Keep loving!

Re: Screwed

I'm screwed!

So yea, taking it slow!! I can't wait for some more schoolwork...

Screwed

Yea. I'm screwed!

Trying to unscrew.. will I succeed? Tomorrow I will know.

Life is like Ceramics

So today's material research class we had this presentation about Ceramics as design material.

Do you know that ceramics can withstand pressure better than steel? There were a test done comparing four steel bowls and four ceramic bowls placing under four tires of a car. the steel bowls were squished but the ceramic bowls sustained.

Do you know that a large part of space shuttles are covered by silica ceramics that is able to withstand 1250 degrees Celsius?

Do you know that porcelain not only can be made into art and utility wares, but it is use for building materials both interior and exterior, dentals or pipes and more.. it won't stain, scratch, absorb moisture, damaged by chemical cleaning or rust!

All of these ceramics are made out of a mix of different minerals all found in earth/dirt... with a good amount of mixture and certain amount of temperature to heat up, it becomes such durable materials...

I find this very amazing... aren't we all similar to ceramics? Life is all about how we use ourselves to become who we want to be... We are all humans made out of the same 'materials', but what we want to do with our lives is up to us. Do we want to put in our lives to money? health? religion? friends? family? Do we want to take our good or bad experiences as learning opportunities so we will mature and become stronger and 'harder to break'? or do we just want to stay the same as we always are - soil/dirt/earth...?

I want to just stay like 'dirt', to be honest.. Just simple life that I can have fun, enjoying the nature.. blah blah blah... but I realized it's really not a good choice if I want to 'survive' in this world at these days...

Am I just lazy or afraid to change? Maybe... Mind you, once it's fired up, ceramic is non-reversible...! When ceramics finish it's tasks, it can be grind up and use as a great fertilizer absorbing agent to keep soil fertile on farm fields... much like what we will end up being - back to be in the dirt.

Do we really need to complicate our lives if we will just go back to the 'dirt' at the end? What is the goal of life really? Do we all really need to be 'so strong, tough, hard'??

Re: Life is not an Idle Ore

"And while life is not idle...

us too, must not be idle..."

Another revelation I got when I was cutting metal by hand today... *tired*! (I should borrow this line from my classmate who always bring up doing all these work by laser..!! yea..!! we need laser to cut things, shape things and maybe even wipe our faces?!!! So we had this jokes going on in class for weeks now.. and then today prof reply: "but laser doesn't work on silver...!" Really? I guess there are actually many things that Cyclops cannot cut?) Anyway. I digressed.

So... yea, while I painstakingly sawing... I broke two saw blades :( that's 10cents each blade (only! but i'm a cheap ass)

Why?

Cos I was cutting a shape with curve...

and if I twist and make the turn too fast while cutting, the blade would just snap in a moment of miliseconds..

Much like us eh, if we keep up the good paste, in steady speed, keep ourselves calm and slow down... we would appreciate life better and feel better.. things just seem to go better!

Sudden change and shocks can kill our brain cell..!! (there's no scientific proofs, I just made this part up :)

So yea.. keep ourselves in "zen"!! *oooommmmmmmmmm* *crossing my legs*

Re: Magic

Life likes to play games.

And it's funny how coincidence/magic/fate plays with us all the time in our lives.

I am loving my life, it's full of surprises!!! Thanks for whoever and whatever that brighten my life in however way... there are just so many moments in life that I can recall and smile about.. I'm not going to say it here, cos I want to keep that to only myself and these limited people...

Life is real magic!

I love you all ^^

Life is not an idle Ore

But iron dug from central gloom

And battered by the shocks of doom

To shape and use

Not just a revelation that inspired me today when I was doing my reading...

but also a very true revelation I got when I was hammering metal at the workshop today...

My arm is very sored now, but seeing how nice my creation turned out... It's all worthed. Working with metal is like how life is.. without burning, it won't be soft enough to shape, without hammering, cutting, sanding, it won't be in good shape and shine...

All the suffering and obstacles we might be facing right now, must be only for our good... so that we can be stronger, in shape and shiny!!

There's no good or bad in life.. All things in life are good.

Magic

Do you believe in magic?

There are many kinds of magic in this world, today I experience this one simple touch, with one little command, spell, or whatever you call this, something that is there can be gone the next second.

Thanks my librarian for magically make my $11.10 fines go away.

Yes, he actually said it was "his magic"... haha.. how kind he is with his serious look. Now, this is one kind of a magic that I would gracefully accept and be thankful for.

God must have love me alot, He seems to perform lots of His "magic tricks" on me recently

(did I tell you that 'the force' makes my overlapping classes work out? The story is, I literally have two class overlapped for one hour, which would have screw me up totally, because I realized this one the day after the final drop day! I definitely need one of the classes to graduate, and then I love and love the letterpress class, I cannot drop any of them!! So I thought I would just alternate my 'leaving earlier' or 'being late' between the two classes so I will pass both the courses.. I told myself, well it's okay, as long as I get the credit and being in the class, and the office didn't find out this 'conflict schedule' I will just let it be! but no! 'The plan' is in process and will work.. cos this is my 'fate'!!... fast forward to the day later, comes the work of 'some force', or God I called it, He/It 'magically' made my prof move the class one and a half hour earlier! WOW, I have never have a class that move to a different official time scheduled! I have no clue how this can be happening, like, my prof, and all other 15 students schedule all move one and a half earlier??? I mean,if this is not magic or fate or God's will, I do not know what is... tell me, this is 'the plan' that some magic force altered just for me...!)

Thank you, all these magic taught me to love this world a little more.

Keep it coming, please!

I am the Printing Press

I AM the printing press, born of mother earth. My heart is of steel, my limbs are of iron, and my fingers of brass.

I SING the songs of the world, the oratorios of history, the symphonies of all time.

I AM the voice of today, the herald of tomorrow. I weave into the warp of the past the woof of the future. I tell the stories of peace and war alike.

I MAKE the human heart beat with passion or tenderness. I stir the pulse of nations, and make brave men do braver deeds, and soldiers die.

I INSPIRE the midnight toiler, weary at his loom, to lift his head again and gaze, with fearlessness, into the vast beyond, seeking the consolation of a hope eternal.

WHEN I speak a myriad people listen to my voice. The Anglo-Saxon, the Celt, the Hun, the Slav, the Hindu, all comprehend me.

I AM the tireless clarion of the new. I cry your joys and sorrows every hour. I fill the dullard’s mind with thought uplifting. I am light, knowledge, and power. I epitomize the conquests of mid over matter.

I AM the record of all things mankind has achieved. My offspring comes to you in the candle’s glow, amid the dim lamps of poverty, the splendor of riches; at sunrise, at high noon, and in the waning evening.

I AM the laughter and tears of the world, and I shall never die until all things return to the immutable dust.

I AM the printing press.

~Robert H. Davis

Lovely... it made my heart skipped reading it.. ..^^..

15 hours

So...

I realized how crazy I was to set my schedule to be at school for 11hours... and plus 3 hours commuting and an hour to wake up and get ready and eat breakfast... I'm 'working' 15 hours on every Wednesday till Dec.

Talk about hard working! ^^"" (even in breaks between classes I have so much to finished ^^"".. I didn't even have a sit down meal properly... this time I really need to stop procrastinating or else I won't last... )

Yes, I can do this!

Re: New. Conflict. Love

So I overhaul a big part of my schedule!

My councellor said I have to pick courses related to graphic design in order for her to approve it. (so that it can count towards my graduation requirement) So.. I did so much changes, for the courses I dropped, in exchange, I got even more amazing courses tho!

OMG, you won't believe me grabbing THE very last spot of this HOT letterpress class from the printmaking stream. There's only one class one section for the entire year, only 25 allow in there and here I got it in in the very last minute grabbing someone's drop out! (and gosh, God knows how hot this course is as the best kept secret to graphic design student!) God must love me so much that He knows I really really want to do letterpress since two years ago and while I thought to myself where I can take course or workshop on letterpress and how come there's no class like that in OCAD, He let me bump into this adventure of looking through every single courses offering in the school. He let me found it!

AND, He let me take this class after all these dropping courses and adding courses, thanks to Him planning me to go to my councellor and thanks to Him for having my councellor to burp out this: "look up printmaking any of their second year courses are good and I will approve".

So I'm so proud of my schedule now that I got to take three courses outside of the official graphic design program guide. I'm taking this amazing letterpress class, jewellery making class, a research library/internship course...

(OCAD's graphic design in my opinion is sooo linear! - I have learn enough editorial design, not enough interest in packaging, and not enough knowledge for interface design or computer programming...) so yea...

Here comes my non-linear year! I'm going to branch out baby :)

Religion brings love to the world

Just ten minutes ago, there were a knock on our door, we missed the door! and then there's this giftbox and a letter left in our mailbox.

My grampa brought it to me and ask me to see what it is. He was like - it looks suspicious, watch out, be careful when you open.. would it blow, or is it poison...?

I was like.. in my head: really? are we so famous that people would poison us?... well.. actually now that I think of it, maybe.. and who knows if the famous anflex is still around?


Anyway, upon careful inspection and carefully open it, we found a one page letter and a box of small portion of snacks (one fried samosa looking dumpling, and a few pieces of candy and dessert).

The letter was basically saying a greeting explaining how they Muslims had a month long fasting and it ended with a holiday where they celebrate. I am aware that since August Muslims have been fasting everyday for a month from sun up till sun down. I admire their religiousness and how nice this neighbor is to put together packages in pretty giftbox and attach print out letter showing greetings to their neighbor.

Thank you my neighbor, you scared my grams, but I really like what you have done. This certainly brighten my night. (even tho technically night doesn't brighten.. it wouldn't be darken my night would it? :P)

Thanks, and may you have a great holiday too. (I'm going to find a thank you card to give you right now, in fact, I must have some right under my desk here.. :) Yea, finally get a chance to use a thank you card that rarely get to use..)

New. Conflict. Love

So!

My *final* year at OCAD *University* has started!!!

It's my glorious fifth year, where I have went through it being a college to now being a *college university*, having the new laptop to the out of production laptop, being able to pay my tuition with credit card to *not* being able to pay with credit card (ripping us off!!), being the top student to being a *not so top* student (hahaha..).

anyway. This is another new year. and more conflicts seem to be just popping up already.

Course conflicts never been so bad before. I have issues with some of the courses and also I really don't want to have this prof being my thesis prof...! I'm trying my very best to switch it, hope I success! (deadline is monday to switch classes.. dayyam!)

As for my love life, never been so fresh that I *reflame* my *love* in my classes. I totally can't wait to go to these classes of mine..! I feel like a first year student when I'm trying out for the first time the expansion courses that allow me to get out of just graphic design... Jewellery class, Prototype class, and possibly a printmaking class!!! I CANNOT wait to make something. (afterall, I'm a *handy* woman, I guess!! Will I become a graphic designer in the future? Some people and also my councilor asked. I really don't know but I love all things pretty and well designed is all I know!)

I really looking forward to this *fully loaded* school year... (literally at my maximum course allowance..) Got to find some cash job so I can cover my materials and tools tho! (Oh! I'm planning to work at campus, I will do *whatever* there is, I might as well go all out while being a full time student *the last time* in my life!)

Date or Friends?

I need a date.

You know why??

I feel like to have someone who can go to this OKgo concert with me.
Before this, I have this feeling sometime too. Like for example, someone who can go buy grocery with me, someone who can clean my room together (a maid?? :P), someone who can just walk with me in the park... etc etc.

I am lonely~!

Well anyway, so tonight, I thought I needed a date cos I have this awesome concert I really really really want to go...! hahaha. such a lame excuse. Maybe all I really need are more friends!!!

Or simply.. I need more love~

Stress

I feel stress!!!

1 week!!! 1 week and I'm done work but I have sooo much to finish.... >_<~

God, I pray that you give me the strength to finish all the work...

and please *unstuck* me from my crashing video program... sigh...

tomorrow - BATTLE time!!!!! HIYAAaaa!!!

Crash...

Crash... NOOOOOOoooooooooooo!

This program keeps crashing on me..... Will I ever get to render this ~>_<~~~

Sigh...

Sweetest things in the summer of 2010

It's been a loooong while since I ever blog.

You might have thought I'm either dead or just gave up..

I don't plan to give up on blogging, but for sure this personal recording task is quite slow in the summer because things are packed!!!



Summer is the sweetest season for some people.. tho for me it's just any other season - I love all season! (Yes I'm a greedy girl!)

But what makes summer sweet must be the atmosphere and liveliness! If I have to look back to this summer in the years to come, I think I have a few pretty sweet things to smile about:


- Was at Centre Island with friends, and we hoard the swing for a good 30 mins at the beach and take turns to swing on it... Just when I had finish doing my Cirque du Soleil stand up swinging (MY specialty learned back in when I was... 4!). There's this dad and daughter who has been *eying* us. In fact, the little daughter has been wandering around our swing for quite sometime and had been copying our *moves* haha..

anyway. the cutest line I had heard comes not from the daughter but from the dad: "Can I sit on it?" After looking at us for quite sometime (probably thinking *aw.. these people are having so much fun). He asked if he can take a turn. That's so cute, and it wasn't for his daughter, it was him that wanted to go on the swing. (hahahha..) I took a photo of him after asking him and he said, "sure"...

now that's a sweet dad with a kid in his heart (but maybe not the perfect dad cos he took the swing for himself not for his daughter!!! :P)



- At African Lion Safari. sitting on the tour bus there's this cute fellow who sat in the row in front of us. He has been turning around alot and looking at me. (I have no idea what he's looking at, maybe it was just my nice purple top or my big @ss camera...!)

I wave at him and he looks at me smiling.

Anyway. his look was the cutest and sweetest.. he reminds me of this kid at my work who likes to look at people and smile and wave.

So I guess animals and kids/babies are always the cutest and sweetest things on earth...



- At work, this bright 4 year old special needs kid who is extremely talented despite his minor disability. I'm sure he will becomes a great engineer comes in for class. I have no idea where did this come from, but this afternoon he was telling the teachers he will be a pilot when he grows up.

The sweetest thing comes when he said: "I will fly the plane and fly everyone to Pakistan."... teachers asked, "everyone?" he said "Yes, everyone" teachers asked again "Can Angela come?" he said "Yes, anyone can come!"

I answered "Thank you, I will make sure I come along!"

What a sweet kid!! and so generous and creative at such an age. He has been the "professor" type of kid who knows alot but being very humble and helpful to other kids.

Even tho he is a special needs kid, he is so talented! I guess life is always fair. I would rather have a kid like him than to have a spoiled brat...

I'm so in love... with today's weather!! When I was walking outside, (even tho it's for work and during work time) the cool breeze and warm sun totally reminded me of those many wonderful summer trips in the past few years...!! Awww.. such fond memories~! ..^^..

While it won't last forever, this summer is very wonderful so far, I am enjoying it while it last!

Why be in a relationship that isn't really a relationship

It's coming back. I need sleep I guess. Not feeling right this week.
AND this stupid facebook update page is VERY annoying.

Hide hide hide.

Sorry people, I don't meant to hide you but I meant to hide something else!!

Maybe sometime soon I will quite facebook.

Why be in a relationship that isn't really a relationship?
Do we have to rely on facebook to stay update of each one of our friends now?
Are they even my friends if I have to do this.

I'm counting... I only hang out with 5 people now... I don't feel I have friends beside them.
haha.. good or bad? I have to stay positive and thing it's good...

Do friends need to hang out to stay close? Maybe.
Do lovers need to see each other to stay together? Maybe... more like Yes.

If we cannot see each other at all. there's really not much relationship there.
I don't believe in internet love, or phone love or long distance love.
If you are not good at expressing yourself, lazy talker, or you are insensitive to yours or other people's feelings, go find that girl/guy next door, it's better for you.

Anyway. how did I end up writing this. good night, I need to watch some curious george to cheer myself up. bye.

Why be a flower that no one care to look at

Wow. I could have become the Caribana dancer but I choose not too! ^0^

Maybe I should have said yes ^^""

What's the point of being a beautiful flower but no one care to see?

Just my feelings when I was taking a walk today... The flowers outside people's homes or by the sidewalk were planted nicely, but does anyone really spend time to look at them?

Maybe only me or a few others really stop, look at them and touch them.

Yes, I touched some flowers today. Tempted to pick them and bring them home... but figure it's the best to leave it there so they are alive instead of dead...

I can't dance or I don't have boobs nor butts so I really should just stay the way I am... I'm more alive to be me! (but which is the real me really? I can't yet figure out...)

Just a random late Egyptian love poem:

I shall lie down in my house and pretend illness. Then my neighbours will come by to visit me and my beloved will come with them. She will send the physicians away. For she alone understands my illness.

If provided that the translation is correct (which I trust the historians who encode the Egyptian language...), Egyptians and people back then are no difference from us all in this world today - human nature seems to be unchanged even after thousands of years.

Poems are ageless...

how cool is this :)

Photo and Film 24 Hours

My head feels like it's spinning.

There are these photo editing and film editing tasks in my head all the time!

I do that at work AND at home!

At work, I do editing and editing and editing..

At home, I finally pinch myself so I would do this: to organize my photos which has accumulated since two years ago (burning DVD takes forever... I never like :(

Hard drive, external hard drive, whatever usb, whatever memory card I have... has been always full since two years ago and that alert message on my laptop constantly pops up, so much trouble to free space when I have work and project to do.. !!! this is to the MAX I can stand now. It's been two years, I have no space to work, that low memory or low hard drive space message is haunting me all the time :((

I'm like this. I don't do anything unless it's VERY necessary/Urgent OR, I do everything right away when I'm in the right mood hahhahahha...

So yea.. my more than full time editor *job*. Burn! Burn! Burn all the photos!!! (on DVDs) like.. 5 to 6 more to go?!?!? (plus the copys I owe my friends.. gosh)

Hopefully I'm good to go to finally do my home trip video editing (like I have 5 projects in mind I have always always want to do!). I am into composing video these days :D (Thanks to work..)

Looking forward to upload my trips photos too....! anyway. Back to burrrrnnning!

Giving love to my baby...

So it's been around 4 years since I have my baby rebel

I clean it occasionally, but mostly just do some simple wiping, blowing off dust and stuff.

But I decided I will do a better cleaning tonight:

- The strap got so dirty (with my sweat?!), so I washed it! (Ew, the water turns yellow, much like when I wash my sneakers...)
- The lens got greasy and dusty from using it outdoor with all those harmful sunscreen and bug repellent, so I use water and the best cotton I have to wipe it!
- And hey, I am doing maintenance for the lens my BIL lend me ;) (pat on myself for doing a great job) I love them and I hope I'm making good use of them :D (by using it alot and making it dirty?! haha)

I want to do more research and experimenting suddenly, maybe cos I had just talk to this new friend of mine today about cameras! It must be a call :) It's been a while I feel like into camera, not feeling into it for a while...

Am I turning back into the old self of me? (like I feel like I get slightly more materialistic again.. NO~~ I need my spiritual sense to stay strong... time to do some praying and meditation... I miss it alot I feel stress again with work and so much summer stuffs going on..)

Thank you for God, for everyone, for everything that's I'm having. I feel very content as of today!! I don't know about tomorrow. but I know as long as I keep this gratitude and spirit up, I am already a better person!

Greatest heartache as of 2010 - Missed Mass

:...(

I missed mass tonight... the first time I'm missing Sunday mass in 2010~! I broke my streak :......(

came back from camping and then thought I will take a nap.

Alarm set to 6:35 am

instead of 6:35 pm

Forgive me God, I was feeling devastating when I woke up at 8:38pm when I realized I had slept way too long for a 20mins nap...

Was it because I didn't care about going to church as much as I thought?... or is it because I had too much fun these days I forgot about my commitment..?

Anyway. I am so sad.. but I will take this as a break you gave me and continue to enjoy my Sunday night :D Thank you so much for having me safely back home and giving me this relax night.

The night when Mother Teresa came to visit me

Mother Teresa, perhaps, more appropriately - Blessed Mother Teresa

a very familiar name to me.

I had known her since I was a kid, from church teachings, tv news, to me the most memorable thing of her would be Sammi Cheung's old song "The angel of Calcutta, Mother Teresa". I probably didn't understand the song fully until now. But as a kid and teenager, I definitely love that song... Very ironic that I didn't really know her but I liked the song as a kid, it got me notice MT as a pop song and not a church song!

Anyway.. I don't even care much about Mother Teresa till now, been in the high school of her name - Mother Teresa Catholic High School since forever, but didn't appreciate this Blessed patron till recently.

I'm so into her now~ I borrow the book of hers, but didn't finish... need to reborrow again.

Work has been stressful and demanding, very tired after work, all I did was go home, eat, go on internet, watch world cup or read some news, facebook of course and maybe youtube whatever interests me.

In these stressful work days of mine, can you even believe this - that She, Mother Teresa actually came to "visit" me!!!! Last month about the same time, I was crazy about reading about her and watching her videos on youtube, living aimlessly with nothing much to do. Tonight, I am so tired cos I got so much work, I am so occupy that I have hard time finding time to go to church in weekdays... This ME, tonight, I get to see her relics - her pair of shoes, her rosary, her two adoration decor... - 1st and 2nd class relics that "should have been presented to the Congregation for the Causes of Saints when her case for Beatification was brought forth"!!

This is too much of a amazing grace, for what I ask, I received. I miss church so much these days, and tonight, not only I got to go to an evening mass but I have Mother Teresa "came to visit me", During these two days of viewing, her relics do not present to public in many locations (only three locations in Toronto - two in downtown, one in Scarborough), I get to go to one of the two masses... it's perfect timing and location for me, just right outside my house! It's totally made for me to go! I totally cried.

So this is the mass I went tonight, it's totally the highlight of this week and I got to blog this before I forget my excitement... It's a weeknight mass AND a possibly once in a lifetime first class relics of BMT viewing...

Through her belongings, I get to feel her blessings and reminded of her great works. When I saw the sisters of the Missionary of Charity in their legendary white robe with blue strips, I was really thinking to myself.. I want to join them, I really like helping people by doing hands on work!.. But I can't yet leave me "worldly desires"~!!... maybe one day.. when the call is so strong, I can't say no.. I will service the world with my two hands and one heart... I hope to have a day like that, I'm not ruling this out!!! hahaha..

Happy 25th Anniversary of Missionary of Charity in the Toronto Dioceses. I really appreciate all the charity work done by this international groups of sisters who follow the footstep of Mother Teresa...

Mary, Mother of Jesus, Be a Mother to me now. - Mother Teresa

Fifa: Germany VS England

1'51 min: I have a feeling Germany might win over England. England team people just look so tired. Let's see if my intuition is right haha..

Half time: "Talk about Karma" eh! wow... feel bad for Britain's "2nd Goal", but it's really just that 46 years old karma coming back to them! I still think Germany's going into quarter finals :) They are young and energetic, they will go all out, they have nothing to lose.

Early Summer Roundup

Today is June 26, 2010.

It's been a busy summer so far, I want to roundup my comments on a few things that interested me these days.

My first full time job in my life!- June 7, my first day of work, so it's almost three weeks. It's been a relax yet intense experience. I was and still am slightly confused of what the working mechanism is on my job title. The workload does not seem demanding, but in fact, it is quite demanding. First time to work with many people and first time to actually work on a project that need tremendous coordination. It's hard to work in a big place where I have to constantly check with everyone's comments and opinions whenever I do anything, work with a coordinator who is above average demanding, plus need constant approvals from the people above... very challenging so far, as I was more like a solo player I realized. (I would pretty much prefer the jobs I have before - give me the assignment, let me do all the things and present it)

Anyway, good learning experience, and I realized I need way way more communication skills which I thought I have possessed...

Dancing in the Club! - I am into clubbing these days, although I only go rarely, (like once a year?!) This June, I went 2 times already. Once in Quebec, once in Toronto just the last Sat. It's not about dressing up sexy, more like an excuse to hangout with friends, in an atmosphere that you can't find anywhere else. (like you cannot recreate a club in your hosue would you, unless you have hundred of friends all come to your mansion for a party like in the teen movies) I love the feeling of it as a community... Just walk in, socialize with stranger, in a nice club, everyone is friendly (or flirty :P). Who cares if some of them want to hook up, some of the others want to get drunk, and then some of the other others want to get your number, as long as you knows what you want, and what you don't want, be honest, have fun and also be caution, that's all you need. and OH, the best part of a perfect night out must be in a right club with my type of cute guys hahahha.. (Nothing naughty, I just want to look at them in their eyes, give them a wink occasionally and maybe dance with one of them :P)

It's all good, do it while we are young isn't it.

World Cup! - well. I had a slow start, I didn't start watching it till last week. First game I watched was Cameroon vs Denmark, didn't even watch the full game, oh well, the first full game I watched was Chile vs Switzerland What I actually love to watch for all the games is the pregame interviews of the coach talking about his team and clips showing the people talking about their national pride. I believe the reason why sports or any competition appealling to people is because half of it has to do with pride and identity. I love watching people enthusiastically talking about what they proud of. Pride and Hope, this is the best part in any game. We all go into competition with pride to show and hope to win. I love to see Africans showing their excitement for having the world cup in their home soil. "Cameroon already is an legend in all of our people's hearts, the indomitable lions, win or lose, this is our game, this is our world cup" - love this comment by this guy in the non air conditioned, non fancy bar drinking and watching soccer through the old fashion fat tiny tv... Yes.. This is their game, their African world cup. Even though 6 of the 7 African teams are now out of the game, this is the one game that most of them will remember for the rest of their lives, and no one can take this away from them. and I, a non African feels the joy too, because the world is all of ours, and the west or european has it too long! haha..

BTW, Go Japan Go. Bye South Korea, you will see better game in 4 years :)

G20! - a month ago, I planned to go downtown to "experience" the G20.. (it's a once in a life time opportunity!!) I wasn't want to protest or anything, I am just very curious about it, as I have seen numerous protesting scenes on TV regarding G8 or G20, or G3 whatever.. haha.. (and I still clearly remember how Tienanmen was when we watched it live on tv when I was 4!!!) Part of me want to go because I want to know how a global scaled protest would be like. And I want to confirm my theory on "a peaceful protest is possible" (I have always, always believe the media has put too much emphasize on the negative sides of protesting and they put little attention on the peaceful protestors. The dynamic of the people in a protest is the following in my opinion: most 90% are the peaceful protestors, protest with speakers, banners and peaceful chants, 1% of it do some swearing and throw bottles at police, 4% of the people are there not to protest but just to break and burn things and another 5% would be like me - who are just there out of curiosity.

Unfortunately I have to work today! :( and am so tired these days.. really really really want to go.. (but I figure my camera probably doesn't want to go with me as it is afraid of golf ball or stone and stick, tear gas or plastic pistols .. so am I, I don't want to have holes on my fact..!!! but I really want to go~). So at the end I haven't/didn't go. I want to go tomorrow but I have a plan with someone :( .. mm.. I think I will miss the action.. Anyway, those people who violently vandalized the city deserved to be arrested, these dudes are terrible! They are here only to destroy the city! guys.. never grow up do they?? and they always do things out of self satisfaction. See. I told you, there are wars, killing, raping, bloodshed everywhere because we have this species called "male".

If only this world is rule by females, we will all be dressing up and dancing in circles all the time! When is this time going to come? I see females are gaining power in today's world, but still not enough... am I going to live till the days when girls are the presidents of all the countries? Maybe when I'm 90 years old.. if I ever live up to that old.

Camping! - Got to go camping when it's summer! I don't remember if I went last year. I didn't...! This year, I have so far two caping trips lining up in July, and hoping to get one more. but the chance is slim. I cannot wait to lying on my back at night watching the milky way flows on the sky in front of my eyes, I cann't wait to catch the chance to make a wish to the shooting starts 20 times a night. :) I shall make each wish a different ones just to make sure I do get my wish come true (hahah.. with 20 of them, for sure 1 or more will come true right?).

OH, and the best part must be the liberty to be dirty and don't have to care about anything but to enjoy the peace in the nature... preparing to bring my painting set there too, to try out my first outdoor painting session. First time to have a 4 days camping trip. this is going to be amazing!! :D

It must be a sign, for more than two times there are people bringing up the topic on marathon... I have always wanted to start being a runner.. and I was setting a goal to run the CN Tower next summer.. I like that when people suggest me to do the triathlon.. hehe.. it sounds like a joke but I can't help to imagine myself doing that. It would be soo awesome..

Maybe I should really start training.. :) I can't yet swim, but I can start do the running part right?

Moments with Strangers (European Edition)

I love them!!!

I think I'm one of them deep inside me.

BTW, I'm saying this cos I just came back from Quebec... with many great moments with strangers

I met Spanish ladies and gentlemen who I danced and sung with... (They are so cute I want to pinch them and hug them..) So fun to talk to them even though I and them have no clue of what each other are talking about.. (they can't speak English... and I don't know Spanish.. :) But they are so cheerful ...! We can't stop talking to each other till we have to part at the parking lot :P (maybe partly cos we really don't know what each other are talking about, ... I tried really hard to use my body language to communicate but I still don't know if they are from Spain or Toronto.. we are thinking they are from Toronto but only speak Spanish.. hehe..)

I met this cute (sort of) captain on the boat, at the end of the cruise we took picture together, I was taking photo for my friends, was shy to take a pic with him but he was so funny, asking me "do you want a picture?" "no" I said. "you don't want a picture?" I said no at first cos it's bit embarrassed already to have my friends taking photo with him, but I said yes afterall - cos sounds like he really want a photo with me so I can't say no! :P blah! or he wants to get famous and have people post photos of him! hahhaha

I met this drunk (we think he is drunk haha) Colombian on the street of Montreal when we were trying to figure out where we were... he failed to pick up my friend, but we really appreciate that he actually know what he is talking about when he asked us where she's from (he guessed it right right away) maybe he always pick up girls on the street? haha.. who cares, he talked so cute and gentle (while being tipsy!), that's all that's count. hahha.

I met this group of Toronto ladies (I think they are from Ontario), they were drinking on the patio by the beautiful rue Petit-Champlain, just beside their table there are one loonie and one quarter permanently stick on one of the cobblestone on the street. Photo Opt! So I were taking pictures pretended to pull the coins off the street.. failed of course, the ladies laughed at us so much and one of them ended up handing me a swiss army knife to try again.. hahha.. even though at the end, we spent 15 mins there pick none of the loonie or quarter, it was so much fun just to make jokes with everyone at the patio, we all laugh so hard my stomach starts to hurt (I guess me and my friends always acting drunk without the help of need any alcohol, we kind of look more sober than the ladies hhahaha)

I met this group of french guys who is doing stag on the busy rue Grande-Allée asking ladies to whip their bachelor (who dress as topless cowboy with a woody hanging on his neck). We were eating dinner at the patio when they past by. One of the cute guys asked us to do some whipping and offer us to do it for FREE hahha.. (we love freebies), we don't understand it first until he act it out and also with the help of the waitress translating in english for us. Photo Opt! So my friend did ended up whipping him three times, right on his butt cheeks (literally, cos he pulled his pants down.. hoho). anyway. again, they speak their french talking to us, we speak our english talking to them. but it's all fun...! (not so fun for the bachelor cos his butt is literally red.. hope his first night is okay haha) and oh, my friend is now "engaged" to one of the guys, cos she said "sure" when one of the guys said the only english sentence to her "would you marry me?" so yea, my friend is "engaged"! WOHoo~! (but we said to them where's the ring, and where's the house and everything.. but we have communication issues.. they can't understand what we saying hahah... or pretend to be not understand??!?!... :P so we got no answer hahaha..)

This concluded my moments with strangers from the fabutastic trip I just had. :) (Omit were some more uncensored moments that I am going to treasure them just by myself hahhahaha)

From 238 to 196

What a great feeling.
I had been wanting this for quite a while.

Why would I want to keep people that doesn't even make it to be my acquaintance on my "friends' lists" Honestly, I am tired of keeping these unnecessary ties when I barely meet any of these people more than once or twice in the past 10 years, in fact, most, in my life time!

So I now enforcing this policy: even though we might had dinner or party together, there's still a long way till we are friends. No offense. (I'm not doubting the possibility of making friend with a friend's friend though, cos certainly there are many friends I known through this way, but when we obviously didn't click, and we probably never again will talk or contact each other, why do you want to keep me on the "friends list"??)

It's a great feeling that I now feel safe to do or post whatever on facebook. and whenever I log on, I don't have to keep seeing these updates by someone I cannot remember who (do I care if your going to New Zealand in 10 days? do I care if your madly in love? do I care if you had a great meal at Indian Palace with your best friends? do I care to see your photos with you and your girlfriend making out? do I care to know that you have just got this nice shoes for $XX! ??... you might think I'm just "jealous" to see updates hahha.. maybe.. but for most part, it's more like do I really care any of these when we don't even say hi or talk at all?)

Doing this now save me the time to even consider or clicking the hide button to hide them from my page hahahha... again, no offense, it's just that a connection is a connection, but when there's really none, there's no point to keep it.

"you never know, maybe this person can get you a job, a boyfriend, blah blah blah.." don't tell me this. I don't need to keep unnecessary connections just so I can get something out of it, when your looking to get something from someone, there's no friendship there, what's the point to pretend to be friends? Never use anyone, I never do and never will (if you know me well, you barely see me asking people for a favor or help for my own good) It's my code of moral, be true and honest. I feel very content and I don't use friends or keep friends for any benefits :P hahah (no, not "those" benefits your thinking)

Friendships happens when it happens. No force is need.
Done, great!

Writing my testimonial...

Excited! so my "dream job" is happening for real!!! Call me "jobness"!

Stay tune for my "testimonial" aka "Lala's secret and laws of attraction success story" :D

I dream about this job since around 1 month ago. it might really be happening!

Wow. If this is really happening, I have to write a testimony to "Laws of Attraction", "The Secret" and of course, the last but most importantly - God who answers my prayers!!! ^0^

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Rome Was Not Built In One Day

Everything takes time to build.
Everything takes time to ruin.

I remember how we used to plant vegetables and flowers in summer. We stopped doing that. and now the beds are full of weeds other than flowers. Looks like an abandon yard now. It took a few years of not tending it to become like this today.

Am I willing to work on my garden again? Yes. I'm going to start. Literally, I want to do some gardening. I was clearing out the weeds on the flower bed.

The sun was too bright, the soil was too dry.
I cannot pull out the weeds.
So I decide to wait till the soil is wet.
Today I'm just clearing out the old leaves and stuffs.

Patience... is needed in everything
I realized. Sometimes you want to do one thing.
You can't do it, not because you don't want to.
It's only because it's not yet the time to do it.

This is always the case in many things. Isn't it..
Nothing happens overnight.
Sigh... patience, patience, patience...

"Where one attention goes - energy flows."

One way you can notice if life is moving through you; instead of, life as moving from you is to pay attention. When life is coming from you, you are using a lot of personal effort to achieve a task. When life is moving through you, you are embracing and acknowledging the need for and dependence on your Creator's strength to sustain you each day and each moment of your life.

Pay attention to what matters... It's really true..
If it matters, you would keep your energy on it...

I know with my personal energy from me, and the strength from God through me. right now. when I am really concentrate on being happy and being with God. I am happy. I am with God. (right!!!)

Screw other things. Why do I have to spend energy on unnecessary things now.
I am going to kill this "me"...
It's not about what attention/care from others. it's about your own attention to yourself.
It's not about having others to support/cheer/help me, it's about having God to strengthen me.

Reading it millions times. - let it flow. naturally.. it shouldn't be hard when I'm willing to (why is it so hard still then?? am I not willing enough still... I want to punch something, I'm so mad.)

"Sometimes not knowing all the answers is just fine."

Why people say that?

For me, when there's a question, there's an answer.
It is not fine to leave things unresolved.

I cannot be positive on this.
If someone care, they would answer.
Same thing goes to the other party. if someone care, they would ask.

Is it really true that nothing matters?
answers do not matter? questions do not matter?

What matters then?
Probably nothing.
Yes. this is the answer. Everything, anything really doesn't matter.
So.. why would it matter? Why do I feel bad then? Screw this.

Project Overhaul - Follow up 3

Updated on my goals setting. (Warning: Long update, don't read if you don't give a darn about my goals hahha..)

Thanks for all the encouragement from my dearest friends and sister..
I feel refreshed and full of hope in most times (though I still feel the ups and downs. gosh, sometimes i wonder if I'm bipolar. my mood swing is pretty scary!)

So far I did the best part that i look forward to everyday/night - wake up in the morning!
SO so soos sosoos proud of myself. I'm wishing to wake up at 7:30am now. and today for some reason I woke up at 7:30am. (Honestly, some nightmares made me wake up but who cares, this is doing me good. I actually waking up early without alarm these days now! Cool eh!!)

Go to church is out of the question, I got to go every week at least once or if it's possible twice or more. praying, I pray all the time. probably every hour. so this is out of the question too

Learning Guitar... mm... haven't start. and I think I'm substituting it with learning to sing. Yes, I'm learning to sing (on my own :P self learn that's all... i'm not surprise if my neighbours start to love me cos I sing in my room. and hey. my grandparents already talking behind my back saying "what's she doing singing in her room". whatever. they like to talk behind my back for everything.)

Hey, but learning to swim is on the way!!! Magically, one day me and one of my best friends went swimming and she showed me how to do backstroke. I still can't do it. but now I can float on my back for as long as I want and then kick and also move my arm. I can slowly. I mean really slowly move forward (or backward?!??!) SOOO exciting! I cannot wait!

As for going to gym every other day. oops. I sort of make it into random days during the week now. and then I stil haven't clean my room. I got to clean it asap to put my exercise ball in and do crunches and stuff or else my abs won't be here this summer.. got to do this, got to do this, got to look fit)

Better skin. nothing too big of an improvement. I guess my acne is clearing out. and not breaking not as bad but still breaking out. I got to really get good sleep (which I still don't get.. sigh.!)

Breakfast challenge! I still eat breakfast everyday. but I sometimes so lazy to take photos :( cos I realize the photos might look the same cos I eat very similar food all the time!! Got to switch it up :) and I will upload pics. but it's been a month. i will keep going ^^

What else.. well I hug my mom once in a while now. and i talk to her everyday short and medium length talk (which is way way better than months of not talking). And then my grandparents seem happier. gramma always smile when talk now. is it because auntie mushroom almost coming to TO? or is it my positive aura? hahhahhaa Well.. grampa is okay and not as grumpy, but still grumpy..!

Portfo building. nothing in progress. got to move my butt. and hey i also got to keep learning flash and aftereffects. I realized many things want that now. and of course I kept saying I am learning web design, but I'm still stuck on basics! moving my butt ^0^

As for my own happiness project. I am in the process of planning it. Going to start on June. Yes. my half year happiness project! Can't wait!!

"If people don’t act the way you want, it doesn’t make them wrong."

This is very true...! But to be with someone you like/love. (relatives, friends or dates/boyfriend), if the person does not act the way I want is a pretty sad thing.

Learning to accept everyone. and love them for who they are.
I thought I'm always friendly and open minded to everyone/thing.
But I realized I am not that open mind at all!

Alright. Keep going. There got to be a way...
First change the way I think. this world is not about me! it's everything else!
Second to accept and love myself.
and then third I put more love to people I love.
Forth, after that. I will also be loving everyone/thing all the time!

Sounds like a good plan ^_^

Honesty. 2

I am true to myself.
I am true to you.

What I say is what's from my heart.
There's no game.

Unless my heart got cheated by my mind.
What I say is always the truth comes from my soul.

Does my mind deceive me?
I learned to control my thoughts now.

Does my emotions deceive me?
I learned to control my emotions now.

I am free from them now.
So what I said and do must be true.

There is and will be no game.

It is here, when you simply stop wanting

Took a walk outside for 45mins.
spent around 15 mins did some meditation - failed.
I can't stop thinking of all the things in my mind.
I want to take all the rest of my time from now to figure out how to meditate.
I am addict to reading books. Good addiction?! But I realized.. .
reading is good to take away your minds and learn stuffs.
But I need more than taking care of the mind. I want to connect to my soul.

Anyway. towards the end of my walk today.
Saw the birds and trees and butterflies, I thought to myself.. all I need is to stop thinking and just do what my instinct tells me. Just like what animals do.
What more should I want in this world really? Why do I have to keep thinking so hard about what's next to do, what to do next day, week, year?

So I got hungry.. need breakfast. I was thinking to go home and cook some fried rice. That's the natural thoughts flow, cos the fridge got some leftover rice from last night, then I should eat it.
Surprisingly when I walked in the house, gramdad already cooking.
I was surprised because he never cooks early in the morning. in fact, he doesn't usually cook at all!

Things come when I stop planning eh???
by just do what's right in front of me.. and think what's right and good..
I actually would get what truly is right.. and it just feels right.

It must be... this must be the "law" in our lives.
Every creatures naturally follow the path in front of us.
There's really no need to plan ahead I realized.
Just follow. and stay natural. yes. this must be it.

Good Addiction

"...if we don't have a centre, and that centre is not Christ. then we are inevitable suck into dissipation and sinfulness. and in a world which is made these compromises, everything becomes an addiction. Pornography is an addiction... the instance of the behaviour of tiger woods which supposedly an addiction, in reality. it is a life that is not centre for Christ headed for hell. we asked our Lord, in this sacraments that we might not become the victim through the dissipation of the world and its many temptation, that we place our hearts and minds on Christ. that we may find peace. the peace that he promises us. ..."

Tiger Woods' sex addict problem sets a bad example of a man. I truly despise him. And this is for many men out there too. I really don't understand why on earth would men have sex in their mind all the time. How big is a man's desire really? They go in war, they make pornography, they kill, they rob, they rape, they do most of the crimes and sinful things. I wonder, what on earth are men really thinking? (gosh, my "illness" is coming out, i have to stop)

Okay.. to be fair. who in this world never sin? I sinned, (and there's too many to point out here). So if he truly and honestly changed. good for him. that makes him a great man instantly. But this has to be a real renewal in his mind. God bless him if he does. and bless anyone who's sex addict and those who watch porn. I wish them truly realize there are so much more better things out there than sex.

Sex, money, cars, house, computer, games, gambling, clothes, handbags... we all want more and more.. When's the end? Very heart broken to know humanity has fallen and lost our connection with nature and god. (I'm guilty too.. right now my addiction is definitely internet and computer obviously..but hey, if you know me well I'm this nature /outdoor type of girl really)

May everyone who is addict to any kinds of addiction find the ultimate good addiction - addict to God.

Doing so, you will have all the goodness you ever imagined! and afterall... addiction comes from need.. this need in life.. ultimately is "happiness". I believe everyone's ultimate life goal is "happiness"! Whatever you do and want, it all nail down to being happy.. You may not believe in any religion like I do but you might still agree with me: whatever so called happiness we find in this world is really just temporary - get drunk? you will be sober soon. get laid? you will be awake soon. get money? it will be spent soon. gamble? you win or lose, and then what else after? whatever that is. nothing going last. Everything passes, except the treasure up in heaven, or if your atheist - the spirit within you. Nothing else in this life is more important than you and God or the universe/spirit/peace in you.

May peace be with us all. and may all of us addict to being connect with our inner self.

"The gate to heaven, is easily open by those who is small, by those who reject the wisdom of this world, by those who are content to be contemptible and foolish for god by kneeling before the Eucharistic signs where our lord is truly present. .."

Hiking.

"This life is a race:

some of us need a tow, some of us just need a boost, some are stuck in the mud, some are descending into valleys, some are heading up mountains and others are on the flats moving at an even pace, but none of us are finished...run the race, I know you can"

Just saw this on my favourite facebook group. I like the imagery here... but. I believe life is not necessary a race. Race sounds too much of a competition to me. Who do we race against? Afterall ourselves? But why do you want to finish things in life in such a rush???

So my version would be:

"This life is a hike:

some of us need a rest on the rock, some of us just need a sip of water, some stopped to look at the flowers by the track, some are descending into valleys, some are heading up mountains and others are walking slowly yet steadily, but none of us know where we are heading... until we reach a place where we take our final resting, we all have to keep walking and enjoy the beautiful scenery, rather in a dark cave, in the forest, up the mountains, out in the plain, by the river... going uphill downhill... everything is beautiful."

In fact, going downhill can be so beautiful that you get to see what's below you and where you ve walked from... going uphill, there's a sense of achievement but you really can't see what's ahead of you most of the time... Both are necessary when you hike, from one mountain to other mountain, there's no way you can get to the other mountain without leaving behind the mountain your on, you have to go downhill.. and then slowly up if you have to reach another mountain.

Where do you fit? Anyone walking with you? or leaving you behind? or joining you? Are you taking a detour to explore other parts of the place or you are just following the path that is most traveled by others? Do you follow or do you lead?

No matter where you fit in these images... we just have to enjoy the hike, don't we? Nothing is easy. This is a cold hard lesson, self pity doesn't get you anywhere... only when we keep walking, we will get to somewhere. Hiking is tiring, I never think any of my hiking trip is easy, I always sweat, get tired, tiny bit of out of breathe when hiking...

Learning to be happy even though I feel tired, learning to enjoy all the moments even though I don't feel like enjoying. I have always love hiking. if I can do the same thing in life: take in all the beauty of my surround and enjoy things even I feel tired, I would have been successful (?). But it's always when you tripped yourself and fall on the ground you realized and learned not to make the same mistake again. (ie. watch your every single steps)

Yes. I learned to enjoy everything.... it's all in the package and it's all good. shouldn't it?

Space Conscious

"...the deeper the loss the greater the space that it leaves behind."

"but if your familiar with space consciousness you are aware that... once there was something/somebody, where there's left nothing or an empty space."

"For some people they reach spiritual consciousness through encounter their great loss, for some other, they couldn't run away from it, and they left speechless... collapse and there's just the empty space... and after a while, there will be this great peace when space consciousness suddenly comes through."

"You can say you suddenly found God... indirectly through suffering... an easier way, you can practice awareness of space.... the enormous shift in consciousness."

"You can sit here, listen to the words, without label... and be aware of the space... of which the world happens... the feel of just present."

"Otherwise, the words will be analyze by the mind, and be stuck as "signposts"..." - Eckhart Tolle



True consciousness comes when you don't label.
There's really no point to analyze your present state, people, or whatever that is in your mind...

It's no point to just running in circles for hundreds, thousands of days and nights. I'm tired of having this "tape running in my mind" feeling. Same words runs around and around.

There's nothing good comes out from labeling...

"Consciousness, you are consciousness. You only can become consciousness if you are comfortable in the state of not knowing." - Eckhart Tolle

All's Well

I thought last year was 2000.
But it's already 2010.

Can't really remember what I did for the past 10 years.
Everything feels like yesterday.

Time doesn't wait for people...
So why am I idle?

There's nothing wrong with the present.
The past. Let it be in the past.

I learn to savor the present, instead of waiting for the future
Now's the best.. All's Well...

A Night at the Wonderland

Last night, it's the first time I went to a charity gala.

The best part must be the finger food (skewered fried shrimp with lemon sweet and sour sauce, skewered chicken with honey mustard, Vietnamese vermicelli roll, mini burger with tartar sauce and pickle, spinach and cheese pastry, beef and vegetable pastry)

and then the two cups of wine sent us to the wonderland, with the five theatre actors acting as Alice, Mr. Rabbit, the Queen, the guard and the caterpillar, it was so much fun having them mingling with us and see their acting among the crowd. Mr. Rabbit is funny! and he joined our table and joked with us for a bit.

Fun. and it's wonderful.

(The ride back home was fun too. tipsy and it sort of guaranteed a great chat, which we did....! and it was our own celebration for my friend's good news... congrats to my dear friend..! ^-^ <3)

Re: A Hug, A Handshake and A Kiss

So....

All of the sudden on Monday May 10, 2010. the morning.

I "landed" a kiss at my family. my grandma.
Just when we were preparing for breakfast/lunch she suddenly came up to me and told me how much she loves the drawing I drew on the envelop of the card we gave her.. (she was holding it while saying it)

She's like, "it must have take so long~ I just saw it now, didn't see the envelope yesterday, this is so nice!" and then she pulled me to her and wanted me to give her a smooch on her face and of course I did.

I said, "no it doesn't take long.." (really it was less than a minute draw..)

So yes... I did kiss my family, right after I thought of it the day before...

So weird. all these things you do and happen are all interestingly weaved together.

God's will?

I have always treated everyone more than how I treated myself, but only no one liked that

Human qualities that's very important to me: honesty, respectful, caring, and most and most importantly - being compassionate and trustful.

Losing trust is the most hurtful things. when I start trusting someone or something, I trust it fully. It doesn't matter if I'm super happy, super hyper, super sad or super mad or simply acting emotionless when I am very very sad. I do those in front of the people I trusted the most.

Most think I act out because I'm disrespectful. But I feel the opposite way, I feel disrespect by most people, you don't show me your emotion because your disrespecting me and don't see me as a close person of yours. I show you these sides of my naked emotions because I respect you and treat you just like, if not more of, myself.

I'm this simple and honest. Nothing more inside me, what you see is really what you get.

But from all these years I learned that not many people want me to treat them the way I treat myself because I'm not them! (haha, how slow I was) Since many of the people scared away by my actions, I stop showing my emotions as much as I can. Hard cold lessons taught me, if they don't show me their emotion, I'm not going to show them mine, this is my rule now. Your not respecting or seeing me as friends or anyone close to you anyway, why do I bother to throw myself on you.

I wonder if I am ever myself again without my overreacting or exaggerated actions/emotions. I feel lifeless these days. But the calm is charming in a way too, though I feel I'm very bored with myself

Where did my honesty go?
I cannot be honest in front of people now cos I feel no cares and respect from others. No one show me their emotions as we get older and older. Who can I really open to?

I know you going to say it's all in my mind, you should open up yourself. but after many hard lessons from people I was trusted to my heart dearly where they would shut me off coldly and told me to suppress it when I show them myself. In most days, I have to hide myself and wear this mask I am creating cos I feel so much expectations from everyone as we got older. And I am not really allow to show much of my emotion or expression freely because of the "appropriateness" and cos we are not kids now.

Am I myself still?

Where did myself go?

Can life be more simple?
Can everyone be more simple?
Show me the real stuff, really, I feel so distant from everyone and everything.

Booked

Yes. I'm booked.

I'm so happy that over the next four days I have booked with many activities that I can't wait to go to... volunteer work and search on monday, friends on tuesday, charity gala on wednesday, church on thursday and probably booking my family for Friday?! hehe...

Woohoo...! ^0^

A Handshake, a Hug and a Kiss

So today morning,

I got one handshake and one hug (no kiss though)

Handshake
A little less than 5 months ago, that same hand shakes me.
It was during Christmas time. The first time I went to my parish after you don't know how long. The pastors always stay outside the mass hall and handshake attendees when they exited the door. So I got this handshake, I was pretty desperate cos I was in the rock bottom. That warm handshake gave me hope, and a welcome sign. I knew God was there waiting for me to go back to church because I don't know how I got to shake the Father's hand cos there were just so many people going to church during Christmas season, plus the crowd of people that leaves church every mass does not allow everyone to shake hand with the pastor.

and after many more days, today, I developed this habit to leave church a little later so the leaving crowd is thinner. Somehow, I guess the people got "distracted" by the flowers sale for the mother's day so Fr was pretty "free" hahah. and somehow he was right in front of me when I exit, so I got this handshake and the simple "how are you?" to each other and the eyes contact said everything, nothing else is needed to say. *warm*

Hug
Anyway. The hug, was another story, I'm referring to my mom in this case. I tried to hug her whenever I go out. I "forced" myself to started this habit. It's a weird action between us Chinese?! So to start hugging my mom, it's sort of unnatural at first, but I am surprised how much she likes that too. And I realized, me and her both needed this. I don't see smile so sweet on her face at all and it was only during the times we hug, her smile was big and it's warm. and I bet my face melt a little too?!

So I tried to do that. oh. I didn't get her anything for mother's day today... so I just gave her a hug and Happy Mother's Day... (Sorry mom, I was going to buy the flowers from the church.. but they are $20.. I can't afford to spend more money... probably will make origami flowers now to make it up :)

No Kiss (yet)
Though it's so natural for me to kiss my friends and also my friends' parents! Yes, I kissed my friend's parents cos they kissed me when we greet each other... It's been how long I haven't kiss any of my family members? while I can kiss other people... I wonder what this is? :D

Asian culture? or is just an excuse... I don't know.. I think my next step to my "family relationship overhaul" would be more XX! :x

There's only one Weather, and it's neither Good nor Bad

It's pouring outside. The wind doesn't stop blowing the tree and the flowers pedals are falling and flying madly.

Whenever I heard about report or people talking about weather I had always remember this thing I heard in one of the tv interviews of a celebrity reporter (I forgot who and what show..).

This guy was saying how he was working in radio (or tv) weather report. So there was thunder storm to report. and automatically, he would normally say: " Today's weather is not so good, there will be thunder storm.. blah blah"

One day, there's a experienced reporter reminded him: "Neutrality is important, when reporting news and weather, it is important to not be judgmental"

"No weather is bad" the interviewee said in the interview now. "I learned not to say a rainy day as a bad weather day."

"A good weather report person do not say things like "good" or "bad" weather, there's only the actual weather to report."

The nature needs rain and snow, it might look like it's really "bad weather" outside for us (funny how we human would actually think this way, we are way way too separate from nature now do we? I never see a frowning bird in rain, or a sad squirrel in the snow). Imagine if everyday of our earth is without rain or snow and storm? If everyday is a "good weather", what would that be like? Nothing can survive if that's the case, we will all be doomed.

Learning to accept the way things are without judging or being bias is not easy but should be doable... if we can all do that, we will all be happy souls.

I get sensitive whenever people say things like "it's snowing so hard!" "The weather is not good today, it's raining the whole day"... Every time I hear the reporter on tv said "today's weather's not so good folks.." or something like that, I automatically remember that interviewee's words...

I actually never dislike rain or snow. I cannot understand why people can't go out when it's raining, I don't get it why people would not go anywhere but stay home in winters. (unless it's a real huge snowstorm i guess)

I go out any weather, I take photos in rainstorm, I go to the park in snow... it's too bad for any of us if we cannot appreciate all the different weather in this world. (where's this person who can dance in pouring rain with me? This is something I want to do in my life... :P)

Anyway, WOW at least I'm positive about weather. If only I can have this thinking in all my other things in my life. I can finally be in true happiness. ^^ hahhaha.. Good start for me I guess, let me try to spread that to other areas of my thinking...!

My own Happiness Project

It's almost June. (I cannot believe it's been half a year since I had start my new year resolution)

So an updated on it would be:

I just got some achieved. And then others, not much completed, I realized I'm not into it much anyway.. (Things like: guitar - I want to.. but I really never got any music training.. I should try, but got bit discourage, so so far I only learned how to hold a guitar... and Swimming, I don't know where to start, I should really ask my friend to teach me...)

But on the good side, I did get myself this habit of waking up early and sleeping (relatively) early. I go to church every single week (once, if not twice) And also I talk to all my family members more. and I also answer my friends' phonecalls and even take the steps to call up people now. I also do walking and exercise every week. (sometimes just walking though..)

Achievement? YES, some sort of..

And since I got off track these days I am going to start my half a year plan now - my own little happiness project. (Inspired by this book I wanted to read since January called "The Happiness Project" - http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/ but because I am broke so I am still waiting for the library copy - I"m 104 on the holding list!! ^^"")

Two days ago in the bookstore I saw this book (again) and I took the time sitting down somewhere and "test read" a chapter. Not bad! Really looking forward to read the whole. and I think it's a call for me to see this in the store (over and over again, not just two days ago). I really really want to start my own project! Will I make it? I guess... since now I got many more deas of what I want in my life compare to before (like last year). I can do this! ^0^

I will update on this.

One Day is like a Year

I felt like it's been many years since two weeks ago!

I am looking at photos I took just 2 weeks ago and I felt like it's from last year (or possibly more)

I feel like every single day is a year for me. honestly.
I feel like every hour is another "countdown"/"countup" to something that's going to happen.
Good or bad? Better or worse?
What is it that's going to happen?
Who knows.... only God knows...

I shall let you know when something good or bad happens.. haha..

For now. Good night. It's been a long time since I sleep! (last night.. hehe)

Do it Anyway.

Originally written by Kent Keith, second half rewritten in more spiritual way.

This verses is written on the wall of Blessed Mother Teresa intended to the children in Calcutta, India.


People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

~Mother Teresa


She is definitely one of my role models now, I didn't realized how humble of a servant of God she is until I read more things about her. Mother Teresa is a familiar figure for me, because I came from the high school named after her, I should really know her, but during those years, I really just saw her as one of the dedicated famous person who does charity work, nothing more, nothing less.. For me at that time, she is flat with no human character (because she is seen as almost saint!)

Now that I studied more about her, I found that she has many doubts and possibly suffered from depression of her own, which surprised me alot because from her works I thought she was all golden and shiny saint like. I would never thought she has constant doubts of God and His existence. The way of her working continually with the poor and needed ones while struggling on her belief and doubts is very inspiring. I think all of us are like that... some point in our lives we struggle, we doubt, we start to blame and hate God or others or even ourselves... but it's funny how at the end, we had all comes to the same wants - we all want to be good and do good, that's all.

Doesn't matter what your belief system is. Doesn't matter what your circumstances are. Do good anyway.

Looking for.

Looking for job. Not a $job though!

I lost interest in working for $... Forgive me for not working. I have always have one or two part time/at least occasional job but this time around I really have no single $job in my hand! wow.. since high school..! (which is almost 10 years ago...)

I believe I won't starve anytime soon... I just have to say no to $ things and use my frugal ability and as long as it's not me to fill up the tank.... (sorry dad, just for now :)

Anyhow. I'm looking for something to bring me back my soul:

1) Volunteer - My church/hs friend's setting up me to this youth group. (woohoo! how did that happened I don't know, but we ended up reconnecting when I saw her in church and also we start fb each other. - Must be God's plan (I know it is). my only concern is people there would be too young for me to fit in, so I will see. I can be there but doesn't have to be too active right? hehe.

As for the volunteer work I really really really want to do. I applied for one by email (gosh, should I trust online apply.. but that's the only way for them.. I wrote a very nice coverletter (i think), they got to give me a call)... and another one I will drop by sometimes next week, pretty close by my area.

2) Any interesting design competition - and for now, just no entry fee ones. I saw this one for London skyline.. maybe I will try this. sounds interesting, and if I win, they will have me flew to London (?! nah they didn't say). hahahha.. whatever, just something to build up my port-fo. which I haven't got enough decent stuffs to put in since two years ago (i'm not a dedicate designer am I? I am a "dry artist"... feeling dry but I'm starting to feel it now~ I know i can come back)

So. Yes. this is my plan for this month.