不愛怕, 不怕愛

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." - 1 John 4:8

不再愛恐懼, 因為我不想重複相同痛心的錯誤
我不再恐懼愛, 因為我想去真正愛人, 真正去愛自己
當我終於真心愛天主, 我就會準備好去愛他人
現在，我真心想去愛天主, 我真心想去愛人了
朋友和家人們, 您可感覺到我真心想去愛您們?

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18

我相信愛永遠不會消逝, 以前我對您們的愛只是給魔鬼拿走了
現在我從天主手裡帶來更多更美麗的愛, 從現在開始珍惜這失而複得的愛
終有一天，我們的愛將非常漂亮, 漂亮到每個人都可以看到它, 感覺它
我真心想去愛了, 您們可感覺到?

預備快樂

今天心又放寬了許多

戶外天氣非常寒冷.
預早準備特多的禦寒衣物,讓我的身溫暖 ^^
大家預早準備超級美味的午餐,讓我的胃溫飽
預早約定許多親密或新朋友, 他們的笑聲笑臉笑語,讓我心頭溫暖 ^-^
和朋友們手拉手的自上而下衝下,經歷驚險的感覺令我這些天的孤單感隨風和雪飛散 ^_^ 也使我記得友情是世界上非常寶貴的東西. 掉了在滑雪梯的帽子,本來我擔心撿不回來.放寬心後, 過了片刻帽子就由職員撿回來了! 我驚喜地發現高興就是這麼簡單. 在回家的路上, 一車五人, 聽著有一句沒一句的交談, 讓我感覺安全亦放鬆的睡了一覺. 久久沒有睡這麼甜了.


今天我學會了...光明和快樂不是從天空掉下來



祇要每一天每一刻也放寬心
擔心的少想,隨遇而安
預備自己,預備任何可以讓自己心情好的東西
快樂也是可以預備的.

祇要經常提醒自己去預備更多更多的快樂,我相信快樂將永遠伴隨我的! ^0^ Thanks for the great day, my friends (and God)!

Nothing Bad ever Happens to you

Currently reading this super super easy to read positive thinking book called "Life's Missing Instruction Manual".

I thought this would be some lecture read, but the whole 157 pages contain short half pages to 2 maximum 2 pages story. So easy to read, feels like someone's been talking to me about their life lessons (which is exactly how this book made of - real life stories of people who learned hard cold life lessons the difficult ways)

Anyway. I recommend to anyone to read, especially those who's going through a hard time, you don't feel like to do any reading but this is a very fun read. I almost finished the book within the past three days.. and it's interesting how I remember the things from book when I went through my day...

So what it is is Today is not my perfect day, cos I screwed up my presentation that I had to do on a 50 pages reading... (OH no) I struggled to say most of the main points cos I did not prepare well. prof helped me a lot by pointing some of the things out....

Anyhow! But I was not any bit sad. (Why? You don't care about the school?) NO, it's just I understand I haven't spend enough time, I admit it and I tried my best waking up today morning at 7 to start preparing it. (Are you feeling okay?) I'm ok, bit embarrassed but I feel fine because I remember this thing I just learned two days ago.



"Failure is not Death"



Actually I learned this long ago and had been telling myself (in chinese words) all the time. "It's not like I'm dying!" ("又不會死的!"... in case you want to know hahha)

The other part to the reading from the book is "Nothing bad ever happens to you" from this man who wrote the tips. He is a successful business man who tried alot of things and fail at alot of things to get where he is.

To handling failure: You don't give up. You take a deep breath. You dust yourself off. You learn. You go on and do things differently this time. Keep going and you will get there.

So I learned alot today (YAH! this should be happy!) and this is a repeating lesson for years now, and the lesson keeps coming back unless I get it over with....! I now promised myself not to procrastinate from today.

And I should give myself some cheer because I did not skip class like I would do in the past or I did not tell prof I'm sick and can't come to class. I came in class on time, I told my professor that I am not ready, but he encouraged me to try anyway. After class I told him I will hand in my writing later, he did not show any bad looks to me, he continue to encouraged me and told me it's good that you try, just keep going, you will get there.

Maybe he doesn't care much about how I do? but I am telling myself now he does care. Maybe other classmates think that I did so terrible? but I am telling myself now at least I tried. I think if I'm one of the classmates I would not think "me" as a loser. I would only wish her to succeed and continue to try harder next time. So I will leave this as it is. and not thinking any negative about this incident.


I even laugh and smile right after class, for some reason I feel relieve..?!
.......Because this time I am not making up more excuse to postpone what I should do.



No more later and wasting time. I will keep going, till I get there! That is to have myself happy from now on, no matter what is going to happen. "Right now" is all I/we have, why wasting time being sad or mad anymore?

Found.

It's been a roller coaster ride.

Lost and Found.

Found a new attitude towards life.
Found new best friends.
Found out the things I did not like is actually not bad.

Found out to love's difficult.
So I will start off with every little things that I can love.
To love everything, to appreciate everything, appreciate myself. appreciate God (most important)
Lost in love, but eventually I will be found in love right?

For now. I am in the "present". and this "present" is what God gave me. and this is the only special moment where I can live and be the happiness beings. Because this "present" is for me only and happen right NOW!! (not in the past or not in the future).

Thanks for the "present"... thanks for this gift from God ^_^

As long as my heart is beating, I am living.
As long as I am living.
I can do everything!

(I just made this cheer up now hehhehehe!)

To My Best Friends and Family.... and of course God!

It's a big Thank you for all! ^_^


Leona Lewis
Footprints In The Sand lyrics

Songwriters: Cowell, Simon; Kreuger, David Bengt; Magnusson, Per Olof; Page, Richard

You walked with me,
Footprints in the sand,
And helped me understand,
Where I'm going,

You walked with me,
When I was all alone,
With so much unknown,
Along the way,
Then I heard you say,

I promise you,
I'm always there,
When your heart is filled with sorrow,
And despair, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

I see my life flash across the sky,
So many times have I been so afraid.
And just when I, have thought I lost my way,
You gave me strength to carry on,
That's when I heard you say,

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
With sorrow and despair
And, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

At Ease.

The Future is unknown.
Tomorrow is unwritten.
Hope, will keep us going.
Time, will prove us everything.
Love, will always be here.
With God in us, we have no fear.

Be Patience.
Believe.
Be at ease.
Be with God.

(OH MY! I wrote something like a poem! hahahhahah, i'm soo good ^ ^)


不要驚動愛情

作曲：歐陽業俊
填詞：高皓正
編曲：Johnny Yim
歌曲監製：蔡德才 @ 人山人海

很想輕撫你 所以避開你
寧願用距離 去令你好奇
迴避過眼神 先偷偷喘氣
吩咐手臂 放在原地

傳聞浪漫太快 愛戀都走得快
才會遲遲未步向你 說一世愛護你

* 情太過洶湧像深海 而我卻會忍耐
但求來日你醒過來這份情像翅膀打開

還沒有相戀別意外 神教會我等待
待情流像細水才去承諾你拿一生兌換愛*

很心急擁抱 所以在禱告
求甜蜜以前 帶著你慢步
遊歷過旅途 等一天終老
生老病死 一起細數

原來慢慢靠近 更珍惜這一吻
而我停留是為了你 要給予你護蔭

(Repeat：*)

能為愛戀學習按奈 情信寄進心內
但求能學會倚靠神愛被馴服過更精采

連地老天荒亦不更改 時間永遠等待
等你情願那天才去承諾你無止境那份愛

我用沉默叫醒愛情你用期待做你反應
繼續行近 直至開始愛

I can shine, if I remove my shades

http://www.successconsciousness.com/spiritual_growth.htm

Spiritual growth is of paramount importance for a better, happier and more harmonious life, free of tension and strain, fear and anxiety.

Spiritual growth is the process of getting rid of wrong concepts, thoughts and beliefs about who we are and about the world in which we live. Through this process we increase our awareness of our true inner being, the true spirit that we are. It is a process of looking inside us, shedding our illusions and uncovering our true essence, which is always present, but hidden beyond the ego-personality.

The spirit is perfect and does not need to grow. It is a term that describes a process of becoming more aware of what and who we are, growing to look at our life and circumstances from a different, more detached point of view, and of putting things into the proper perspective. It is a process of shedding negative and limiting habits, thoughts and beliefs, and letting the inner self within us shine out.

Imagine a radiant bulb of light, hidden beneath layers of various materials. To let the light of the bulb shine out and illuminate the surroundings, you do not have to strengthen the light or change the bulb. All you have to do is to take away the layers that are covering it. As you remove layer after layer the light shines more radiantly and strongly.



Signs that we are growing spiritually

• not to let outside circumstance affect our moods and states of mind
• more tolerant, patient, tactful and considerate
• rise above frustration, disappointment and negative feelings
• increased feeling of happiness

I can see it. Already, everything's better each day.
I am healthy, I am happy. I am spreading my love and energy.
I had awake because of you, because of God's plan!...
can't you tell? Probably not YET. But in the near or far future!!!! ^__^

Thank you for everything.. This will be the last time I mention "you". Goodbye my love ^ ^

Confession of the sleepwalker

I thought we will always live in the sweet dream that never end.
I believed that when I have nothing else I had you.
I trusted, I put down my guard, I revealed, I let out the ugliest sides.
I thought we will continue to walk together and search for happiness together.
But for you I'm 100% a nightmare, nothing else, and nothing we can ever do.

Time to wake up, time's up.

Awaken, I realized I never have you.
and I actually have everything else.

The nightmare is over.
You can be at ease.

We sleepwalked for too long.
Let's really rest for real this time.

Let it all rest in peace.

Copy Cat.

We played copy cat.

You won, because I failed to copy you...
but at the end you copied me!

Sorry, I screwed up the game because it was no fun at all.



"The way people treat you is a reflection of the way you treat people." - Remez Sasson

Lesson learned, and I shall make it more fun next time ^__^

Playing Sherlock Holmes

廖碧兒 - 實情 (劇集"人間蒸發"主題曲)
Bernice Liu - 'Into Thin Air' Theme song
作曲：鄭智偉
填詞：鄭櫻綸

迷戀往事　想千遍　那管無意義
追蹤百萬次　分析微細意思

尋找千里　卻別離　性理歪曲真諷刺
行近看明白當初不過無知

如望著塵埃　穿灰塵望向外　矇矇地尋找所愛
疲累沒離開　心僅存著意外　其實舊情已不再

＊沉溺往事　幾千次　悔心無意義
花光氣力試　終枉然欠意思
如光影照　正面時　常理般推測不智
行近了　能讓親手敲破　無知＊

迷路在人海　玻璃層疊意外　無奈實情透不過
無話別離開　不甘在眼內　期望拾回往昔愛

Ｒｅｐｅａｔ ＊

Listen.

#
It's easy. All you need is smile. you said.
You have alot of things that others don't have. you said.
Just don't think too much. you said.
I went through this. you said.
Just follow my steps... (list of things). you said.
#

How are you? you said.
I'm okay. I said.

I love you. you said.
I love you. I said.

Trust me. you said.
I really trust you. I said.

I am sad. I said.
...... you said.

Repeat #

I love you. you said.
I love you. I said.

I am sad. I said.
...... you said.

Repeat #

How are you? you said.
I'm okay. I said.

...... I said.
...... you said.

What else we said?
What else we do?

All I want is to do it together cos I felt powerless, depress and lonely all by myself already. I want a peer/partner, instead of an instructor, cos I had failed many times these years when I work on it by myself...

Anyhow.
I'm doing everything myself now. You must be very relieved that you get rid of this student.

My God.

I probably treated you too much like a God. I trusted too much, hoped too much, I wanted too much, attached too much, depended too much. I even hated too much.. when I thought God wasn't there, I thought I had you at least. But when you did not treat me well in my perspective, I started hating, annoyed by you.

Now I realized, God must have been here all the time but I only saw you as "my everything". In fact, when problems accumulated, I treated you like how I treated God, I hated, I got angry, I ran. like how I did to God. And thought that you will be there forever with me.

I should just be with the real God from now on... forever and ever. Because He would never leave me when I am despaired. He would stay with me and work things out with me together. Because He would love me no matter what happened, no matter how sick I felt and walk the road and take steps together with me, instead of demanding me to do whatever you said by myself.

You are not my everything, you are not god. never.

What did I expect?

Honesty.

I realized I'm not as honest and simple of a person that I once thought I am.

There are many things I hide and run into denial and then I run into madness and emotional states. Hoping someone would take the step and talk to me and analyze with me. But no one would ever do that. I realized.

I want to be the old me when I was younger, I want to be honest and care free. But I don't want to whine or cry about things I don't like like a baby when I was a teen.

How to be honest but not affecting others?
A very hard lesson to learn. ^__^

"EQ" 101 - Must be lots and lots of respect to others and stay away from people in an emotional distance. Pin point the problems and do lots of talking, without emotions involve.

I learned after all, I'm by myself. No one else is responsible for my emotions and no one else is responsible for me being sad. No one else care or able to take in any of my emotions no matter how close two person appears to be, NEVER. Don't assume you both can take in everything together. NEVER -__-

In love with God at the moment.. because He is the only one who can take emotional worries/negativeness and He does not complain any bits of my negative emotions... Why didn't I realized before? God is my ideal "man" hahahha. ^__^

與天主談戀愛

愛上聽音樂, 因為可以放下雜亂的思緒
在過去, 許多在我手機的歌曲只聽喜歡的節奏, 歌詞... 沒有放太多心思思考
現在我會用心聽歌詞, 開始時祗因可以給自己做一些事情去分散注意, 後來我意識到這許多年來, 這些我最喜愛的歌曲, 有不同重要的含義

愛情, 世界, 社會, 心理
種種... 每首歌曲也是特別的


在過去沒有用心聽的許多, 在過去沒有意識到的故事, 道理, 歡樂, 傷心.. 現在我終於真正的聽到



上個月每聽到愛情的歌, 我即時跳過.
昨天, 我出奇地一一傾聽.我的心不痛, 甚至我有點放鬆..快樂!

開始不去想我們的錯, 現在我想的是天主對我的愛...
聽情歌, 感覺像與天主談戀愛.. 聽到 "I Love you"... 我的心不怎麼痛
我祗感覺這個 "I Love you" 好像是在說對天主的愛, 對天主的讚美

情歌每每過於完美... 而天主是完美的
現在我要與天主談戀愛... 那麼我便可以愛每個人, 包括我自己

我相信前面的道路是光明的.. 祗要我相信
完美的人生, 完美的愛, 只有天主可以.. 如果我能學到做到 1%... 我會非常快樂了!!

Meet me in the middle

I put down my "girl's pride" and met you in the middle.

Maybe.. I'm not enough of a girl for you to treat me like a girl...
Maybe.. We get so used to each other... We don't put effort...
Maybe.. I wanted too much?
Maybe.. I was the one don't know how to love or treat a guy right?

Who knows.

But I did meet you halfway.. probably even beyond there. That's as far as I could go. We did not held on or reached out to each other enough I guess.

Tomorrow... will be different, right?
I can only hope for the best.

Attack.

It's only natural that animals attack when they feel threaten, fear, anxious.


Same idea... I attacked.
I feared about many many things that I was about to face.



Family, future, you... all the changes I was about to face... All the steps that you bombarded on me, told me, insisted me to do... I held back, I resisted because you bombarded me, you threatened me. Because... I was living in my little depression world that you don't live in and hated so much.

You did not show that you love me the way I am...
You did not show me you ever wanted to spend time with me when I see you finally in person during those very few times we spent.

I cannot feel it... it's too far away...
You are so far away, physically... and so far away from what I wanted you to treat me like a real girl... and so far away from show me your love to me... Maybe we did not even love...

All I wanted is someone to be gentle with me... I may appear care free in front of people... In fact I look at alot, I think alot... of every little things that I care... I cannot stand being stuck unhappy about us.


I feared... about everything, family, other people and mostly you and me.
I held back, I attacked.



I must have been putting too much thought about myself and us that I grew frustrated... I grew mad... I think we did not have enough between us, but I wanted to have more between us.

Maybe... you feel the same way... we were both stuck. don't know what to do.



My Frustration, madness, angry... I realized .. all came out of fear.




Fear of the unknown future.
I closed up my heart that was once opened, I felt threatened, I feared... I ran away from us. Thought we can talk later, we can solve it together later... Thought I can rely on you to take the initiation of us working together because that's what I wanted my man to do- to talk to me, to treat me like a real girl, to handle me gently. (which you did not do much of it these years anyway)

I should have remind myself you rarely take initiation.


We are too alike.



So obviously, none of my wishes happened.

No more fear now. and no more later... Because there's no more unknown future.

I should be happy about this.

The war is over. We shall both find peace in our two separate worlds now.

Project Overhaul - Follow up

So it's been almost two weeks since I set some goals..

What's happening now?

So far I had not missed any class! (HURRAY)
I had go to Church every Sunday! (HURRAY!)
I had hugged my mommy whenever I go out if she's by the door seeing me off (HURRAY!!)
I had woke up everyday around (at least) 930am! (HURRAY!!!)
I am keeping this blog alive! (HURRAY!!!!)

Now these five are down! More to come and more to do ^_^
More to keep up!!!

Everything's possible right!!!

Wish me! Pray for me!

Trust.

I trust alot of people.

Does that mean I have to necessary do what they told me when everyone's telling me the similar thing?

I trust people, friends, family.

I may not necessary do things according to your sayings.
I also may take your words so seriously that I keep holding on to it.

Am I too self absorbed? Does that mean I don't care about any of you?

Confident.

Confident to do everything.




I had it. I lost it. and I am having it once more.

It's here. It must be. There are so many things I want to do. (Last post I said I have no confident, screw it, I got it all. only these things keep trying to bring me down, it won't ever again. I got it in me I can already see it)

I have confident to do everything, if I work on it, if I try like how I used to be so passionate and curious and care about everything, about life.

Like I said on my first post - Here's this new Lala for the new year.

Right here, right now, right at this moment. I'm telling myself I have all the confident to do anything. I am trying my hardest to do this. If things do not turn out. Not my fault at all, never my fault because I really trying here. (Can't you see at all?)

It's not my fault for anything that happened and going to happen. It happened because of not only me, it's everything, everyone, and you! So stop blaming everything on me! whatever that so called "negative emotion", I didn't cause all of it. I'm sensitive too, I'm the same as you too. We are just the same.

It's probably YOU don't have enough confident to do anything so you are running. It's not me now, I try extremely hard, at least harder than you, can't you even see?

I have all the confident. I have enough.

Only good things will happen to me from now. I will only do good and be so much better.

Bore

I had said it many times before... "I feel bored."

Why?

I realized.. it's because I did not put in enough, so I did not get enough.

I was bored of life.. bored of the path of life.. go to school, go to work, eat, go out with a few friends, watch some movies, talk on phone with you and no one else.. what else.. I felt like my life will be forever and ever like this...

Why?

I should have realized.. there are so much more in life.. I forgot God, I forgot friends, I forgot family, I forgot you, I forgot to look forward, I forgot.. things can always change in good or bad... I let it be bad, then worst, then become terrible.

I must have been really sick... I was totally sick...
I forgot to be passionate, I forgot to be curious.. because I felt like things will be like this for the rest of my life...

"Trapped"

That's the word...
But now I'm going to free myself... I have to dig out every little things I see, I have...
and love them all...

Is it too late?
I have not enough confident.. what's ahead of me, I can't see. I have been afraid..

Help me, God.

雙失情人節

... 或是雙失農曆新年?!??!

真的????!!!!! 真的是我人生一個精彩的經歷！ ^ ^

有趣的是, 我發現我可以在這事上面找到幽默，在過去一個月我想我已經變得更加強。

hahahaha ^ _ ^

沒有悲哀的情緒 - 我學習到，無論何事, 生活仍然要繼續

來吧，現在的我不害怕任何事情！ ^ 0 ^

現在我迫切的目標是擺脫雙失農曆新年!!!

Wish me!

Fight.

"Whenever you talked to him. You always sound like asking for a fight."

I did. I demanded. I frustrated.

About what?

you? family? life?

Maybe all.

But probably I was frustrated about everything AND myself the most

"Why didn't I deserve more gentleness, more love, more success, more everything?" I asked myself.. since a long time ago.

I was greedy, I was mad, I want more. Cos I think I don't have much.

I put all my energy into me and you. All energy, good or bad.

God wasn't with me, my friends weren't with me, my family weren't with me

I thought I had you, you had me. I put all into you, all of my naked self, good or bad.


Sorry. I hurt everyone.




Afterall, I only have myself with me who can tolerate me. What did I expect?
I called God too late, a punishment? a new beginning?

I'm weak, I don't want to fall into this hole again.

Disinfecting

The night before,
talking, reflecting, thinking, realizing...
many things.

Found my long lost true feelings and honesty
I wasn't happy
Because I was trapped
I thought I had what I wanted
I denied what I truly wanted
I was afraid to let go of what I had
frustrated, confused, sad, and then cried.. million times
I guess... in a way I did that out of conscious... to do us both a "favor"
By killing us.
Now my out of conscious "plan" worked...
Now that the wound looks terrible and it hurts.


I'm going to dive into it... "disinfect" and "treat" it... Sew back what we had before... way before... Whatever it takes, even if I might feel totally "nasty" and "gross".



"You can try, but it's gonna hurt." She said. ^_^
"Yes." I said. ^--^
I know what I want, for real. Just to think about it did make me excited and full of hope.

Only the "what if" doubts/thoughts will keep me from getting that now.
Nothing else can stop me.

It's hurting already just to think about it now...
"Will it be better?" I ask myself. "I believe so." I tell myself.

Of course it will hurt now...
But wait till I get rid all the dirty things that made me and us sad.


After this... Soon.. it will feel way better..



and one day
the scar will be gone...
I believe.

Moments with Strangers #1

The summer before (2008), We had a garage sale.

An old man probably in his 60s came with a cup of coffee in early morning... I and my dad greeted him, and he started to talk to us and then browse around the stuffs we put out for sell. That was around 8:30am. (right around we finished the set up). He went and looked around, got a handful of stuffs that he wants to buy... I can't remember what are the things, there were quite a lot of them... but there were this Mickey Mouse sag.


He said he wants to get this for her daughter who lives in the states, he is going to post it to her in a parcel full of Mickey Mouse stuffs, "She loves anything Mickey Mouse. This will make a great birthday gift for her." He said. "She is going to get marry in the coming fall." He said.

"What a nice father" I said to myself.



Then he started to talk to me about more things, first about how nice we are to have this garage sale in the community, he saw our sign on Sheppard and decide to drop by, then we talked about some food and cooking (he told me step by step about how to cook mash potato in half an hour ^_^ since it involved at least 5 mins of instruction.. I will make it short by saying the key he said - cut the potatoes in half and boil them for 20 mins. "That way the potatoes will cook through" He said).

He talks alot, in a passionate manner, there's nothing crazy about him, only friendliness.. even to a Chinese young girl who literally just woke up from my bed, with my hair tied up and my glasses on me in my sleeping clothes...

I was tired, woke up for the garage sale and set up from 8am. As we talked more I started to enjoy talking to him. With the sun shining through the garage which we stood under, I see his white hair shinning, his wrinkles are deep, I thought it must be from smiling alot?! We then talked about how him remember his mom... then onto his family... his daughter and kids... He seemed to love life very much.



Later, he mentioned he was a alcoholic and gambler. He went through two divorces. His kids from the two marriages grew up, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with him before.




I was very surprised he would share me that, and I was a little bit shock - Such a nice old man, had stories that were less than glorious. And he generously shared his feelings to me - literally a total stranger.


He told me, "You learned from your mistakes, there are times in life you confused and done many things wrong... but one day you learned and realized and said to yourself "what have I done". And now, I only want to do well in life, love and treat my family well. Now I have a great relationship with my kids. Now I live with my current wife in the senior apartment, I treasure what I am having and make up for the people I hurt before." (Note: Might not be in exact words ^ ^ """ But I remember it was worded something like that... and only better because he was a well spoken man)


So true... I realized now that I recall this lesson from a stranger - forgive your past, learn to live and love your life all over.




We talked for like about 30mins at least. There were nothing awkward about it. I love listening to what he said, only the potatoes part I was tempted to tell him I know how to mash potatoes though hahahhaha..

In the end, of course I gave him great price for the things he bought (haha) He asked me for mine and my dad's name. Shaking hands, when he wanted to say his name. I said "David, right?" .. He was shocked. (got him hahha). I told him, cos he mentioned his name once in the conversation when he said his mom said "David, ...".. He then asked, "So you are Asian?" I told him I'm Chinese Korean. and I said "I know your Irish :)" (Got him another time). He said "How could you know?" I said, cos you mentioned it.. when you said you sent your daughter to do Irish dance... I just assumed your Irish ^ _^ "I'm very impressed, Angela" He said.

Sure. You better be. hahahhaha.
I should consider myself a good listener. Am I?
I don't know. I never knew I am a listener.


His story... I should have remember... earlier... so maybe I would never feel depressed about my life as much. But that's a maybe. Maybe... things just have to happen on me for me to realized. Like how David did in his story.




Tonight, I remember this David I met once, what a sincere smile and strong handshake he had, he was a very peaceful, calm and mannered old man. I hope he's doing well at the senior apartment four blocks from where I live. Anyway, so this is one of my little encounters with strangers... Many more to come. ^_^

*Note to self* A big nono for Crying...when it's too much that people can tell

Big Girls Don't Cry
Fergie

Songwriters: Ferguson, Stacy; Gad, Tobias

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]

La Da Da Da Da Da

It's really meant to be...

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ~ Carl Gustav Jung

I did not meet what you envisioned
You did not influence me enough

We did not transform and fuse into something we wanted.
Our reaction created sparks, beautiful colours, but it became less than satisfied, rusted and decomposed.



Maybe... it's really meant to be.




But if I am to become a person without all the negative thoughts to hold me down, would it be different? With these changes happening, I already hold a different prospect and attitude on many of the things. You can't tell just yet, I guess...



Does my personality really make absolutely no resonate on you at all?




"no" and "never". This is what I'm hearing now.
But no one can tell a definite answer.

Only time can tell. and that's still an unknown, open possibility.
For now. It's a definite "no".
I understand.

I was forced to give up before I even realize I got to try. Now that I can do what I want. "Never give up" was my moral back in the old days... I shall pick this attitude up again. ^ ^



This time, it's for myself and my life, not us and ours. ^_^




I now believe this is all meant to be, in God's eyes, it's a part of our journey... which I believe it's not the end! (Until death do us part... we shall not be over... or I should think even beyond that, if we kept being a good person, we shall continue this journey till forever and ever in heaven... am I being silly? hahaha... maybe. ^ ^""")

Who knows the future? God knows. ^ - ^

Tomorrow is another day, another chance.
Tomorrow... is a new day!

Dream Now... and Then.

Encrypt from my diary
Sunday December 27, 2009.
Cloudy, pale sky, little wind, slightly cold, some ice

Woke up from another dream, felt pressured and heavy. In the dream I dreamed of you, you are to leave me because you are with someone else (I can't tell who this girl is though, it's just a concept). I heard myself shouting "why?" "No!" "I'm different now that I made changes". I don't remember if I was crying in reality, but I had sweat all over me and inbetween awake and sleep I could feel that I was struggling. Woke up in the morning, not feeling well. It must be because I told myself not to think of any negative things for all these days, so in the dream I dreamed of the worse and negative thoughts. Will the dream become true in reality? People said dreams usually happen the opposite way in reality. Can I keep this hope?

From Dec.27's mass: "For those who seeks change, may God gives us strength..."
I knew God was blessing me and wishes me well through the mass prayers.


Wednesday January 20, 2010.
clear sky, no wind, not cold

Today afternoon I took a nap at 2:40pm.. in my dream I dreamed of this "special someone" and you. I don't know who that is either, it was purely a concept of "the one", a dark shadow of a person's silhouette. In the dream, "the one" was not you... the dream was sort of peaceful and I felt loved. Only God knows how real this dream is.

I woke up, not mad or sad. but only with some chest pain and slightly fast heartbeat.

I told myself that for now. I have myself and God's love with me. I shall find peace and joy and fear no more.

I forgot how to Love... but I'm going to truly Love from now on. I will. I can and I believe.

http://www2.focusonthefamily.com/focusmagazine/marriage/A000000180.cfm

"An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends" (Proverbs 18:1).

"Unfortunately, the world has created a relationship model that is "all about me." We often think of relationships in self-centered ways. What's in it for me? Why should I care?This view of relationships comes across in everyday interactions. People think divorce is OK because they "deserve to be happy." "

"God wants us to love, serve and care for others — unconditionally and completely — just as He did. When we do love, serve and care for others — spouse, children, parents, friends, family and strangers — we’re fulfilling God’s plan for relationship."

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (Ephesians 5:1-2)

"However, while our ability to unselfishly love others runs dry all too quickly, His love endures forever (Psalm 136). So the quality of our earthly relationships is, in part, dependent on the depth of the relationship we have with Christ. The more we understand His love for us, the more His love can flow from us to others. This means we have to choose to die to ourselves and think of others first, every day, in our marriages, our families, our friendships and with our fellow man."

"First John 3:18 says, "Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."Actions do speak louder than words when it comes to relationships."




I'm going to live up to the way I used to be, when I was younger, when I was pure and full of hope.

I used to think of others first before myself, I used to be considerate, I used to be positive, I used to be carefree with only fun and love on my mind.

But as I grew older, more things I have to manage and do, my other situations and lack of life achievements so far caused me to become this angry, fear, lack of confident monster that hated the world because I thought the world owe me everything and I thought I have nothing good with me, I thought there was not enough love deserve for me. I became a monster that my loved ones stop loving me because I was mad, lost, a escapist who was controlling and demanding, because I was afraid I would lose that "limited love" I have "left", I feared and lost control. I did not love others, but only take because I thought I did not have enough.

I forgot how to love, I stopped loving since I don't remember when. But I won't anymore. I want to bring back the best of my old self - openhearted, pure, joyful, positive, friendly, confident old "Lala".

I now want to believe once more: The more love goes around the world, the more love comes around. I am never alone, I am to stop being afraid, afraid of not enough love for me... I'm not the only one in the world, there are many of us, who also wants love, peace and joy. I'm sure.

I know I can do this. I have to fight fear, I have to fight darkness, I have to lite up my world... One step at a time now.

With God besides me, I shall have no more fear. God has way enough love for me... and if everyone of us including me put more love into our lives, I am sure the world will be better.

Only good things will happen from now on, right? If I start over, keep loving and stop hating.

It's meant to be?! No way!

Saw this today at work's staff room on Toronto Sun... Horoscopes January 19

Capricorn (Dec.22 - Jan.19)- There could be sudden and quite startlingly large transformations to your surroundings or perhaps your life's philosophies. You may suddenly wish to volunteer or to give generously to charities. ***

Tarus (Apr.20 - May.20)- You are popular due to your talents and kindness and a priority to many who know you. Others prefer to spend more time with you than almost any other person they know, especially at the office. *****




And I still remember how this fortune teller I met in HK just the past summer told me about my love life... if I did not get married or engaged that year (2009!) with my current partner, it is probably not going to happen and the relationship will be over. And I won't have another marry chance till I'm 30s or 40s.. I don't remember if it's 30s or 40s he said... hahahha...


GOSH, your serious? -_-"""

I don't want to believe this. But everything seems to be so true. hahaha. -_-

I know God probably don't approve of all these fortune telling crap, so I am now telling myself all these are crap. I'M NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO THESE! (Then why do I even put this up?! I guess I care.. cos I'm worry about the future)


STOP it Lala, get a grip, no one can tell you what your future is.

GOD has His plan!!!!! and I am the ONLY ONE who complete His plan ^ ^

Taking One Step at a Time

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11




Thanks to my dear friend who I had not keep up to till recently!

Tonight on, these words of encouragement will serve an important support:

"...sometimes, it is when you are at your weakest that you really see God's love, and His purpose in things...sometimes, maybe it happened for a reason, and He loves you soo much that He's calling you back

...calling you back in that way"



I cried.. when you said these words to me, my dear friend.



I know I have to stop crying.. but I can't help but cry every once in a while whenever I think of the past. I keep on thinking it's me who destroyed every good things I once had, I was selfish and stubborn about changing.. I did not want to grow up and I was in my own world.

Thanks, I shall stop crying about anything. and face everything with a smile from now on.

Today I practice my smile, I reached my little goal of the day of keeping a smile on my face throughout the day ^_^ One day, I will be smiling out of my conscious!


God, again, please lead my way..!

A thing of the past... I know.. I'm waiting.. for something nice in the future :)

Nelly Furtado
In God's Hands

Songwriters: Furtado, Nelly; Nowels, Rick

I looked at your face
I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time

I, I saw that you couldn’t care less about what you do
You couldn’t care less about the lies
You couldn’t find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God's hands

You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it's the end of the day
And we gave a lot but it wasn't enough
We got so tired that we just gave up

We didn't respect it
We went and neglected it
We didn't deserve it
But I never expected this

Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky to heaven
It's part of a plan
It's back in God's hands
Back in God's hands

It didn't last
It's a thing of the past
Oh we didn't understand
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Oh just what we had

I want to make everyday birthday.. (like how I want to make everyday a Christmas)

Thanks my good friend for sending me this Birthday greeting from the past week :)

Each Day is a New Beginning- Another Chance
to learn more about ourselves,
to care more about others,
to laugh more than we did,
to accomplish more than we thought we could,
to be more than we were before...

Hope today is just the beginning of another wonderful year for you. Happy Birthday




I want to not afraid of growing up,
I realized the reason I am not doing well and feeling well is that...
I had been afraid on growing up all these years
I don't want to take responsibility, I only wanted to have fun
I only wanted to laugh and cry whenever I wanted to
I have to learn that having fun is good, but there are things I need to do, and there are things that I need to control.

to do what I have to do,
to love the people that I love,
to speak the words that only speak of happiness
to face the sides that sun shines on
Be a positive soul and live like a grown up

God help me please.

勇敢地... 忘掉你

認命
曲：鄧智偉　詞：張美賢　唱：王菀之　唸：薛家燕

唸：
天荒地老　最好忘記
笑也輕微　痛也輕微
生老病死　相聚分離
身不由己　心不由己

唱：
曾經我不太相信　定了宿命
曾經我想去反抗　命中註定
如果我感覺心跳　沒法安靜
誰願聽

在歲月裏飄和沉
是我的命運
無望中啞忍
痛苦中偷生
用愛換最傷教訓
妄想走近
因此生出了遺憾

曾想過不顧一切　另創天地
曾經你想抱緊我　最終退避
如果我可以改變就勇敢地
留住你

唸：
浮萍落花　顛沛流離
山盟海誓　力竭筋疲
笑飲砒霜　魄散魂離
愛有盡時　恨無絕期

唱：
在歲月裏飄和沉
是我的命運
無望中啞忍
痛苦中偷生
用愛換最傷教訓
妄想走近
因此生出了遺憾

夢會自最光變暗　讓愛轉做恨
流下的眼淚是我不甘心
讓恬靜惹起微塵　我不安份
根本不應該發生

曾想過不顧一切　另創天地
曾經你想抱緊我　最終退避
如果我可以改變就勇敢地
忘掉你

Project Overhaul

Today marked my first weekend of my 26th year

If you ask how do I feel being 26th?

I would probably answer with something like "same old", "I don't feel any difference", etc.

But I don't want to be the "same old" or "no difference" anymore.

So go the old, comes the new.

To start off with the new Lala, I will start with some goals in mind ^_^



Short Term Goals (3 months)

Exercise on Sat. and Sun. for 1/2 hour each (started today! YAH)
Wake up everyday before 10am.
Read and Speak some Korean (already... gosh)
Church every Sunday
Hug my Mom every time I go out
Learn Guitar
Don't miss any classes
Homework or sketchbook every weekend or day off
Work 3 Days a week
Continue my blogs! (important... lol)
Greet everyone I see with smiles (meaning don't frown)
Keep myself tidy and presentable at all time
Tidy my room (basically throw away things for real)
Keep Teeth clean

Semi-Long Term Goals (6 months)

Better Sleep Quality (Rested, Better Skin, no Dark Circles)
Understand Korean
Play simple Guitar
Learn to Swim
Exercise Everyday
Apply for a summer humanitarian volunteer program
Hiking trips
Rock Climbing

Long Term Goals (1 year)

Ready for final year project
Apply for Design Related Co-op or Volunteer
Go on a real trip with friends
Do Swimming, Try Snorkeling
Real Hiking Trips
Try real Rock Climbing
Speak good Korean

Extended Long Term Goals (less than 1 year)

Have great friends and family relationship
Graduated
Volunteer or work Oversea about some humanitarian work for at least a year
Travel around the world
Settle back in Toronto before 32



Feeling great now that I thought of what to do.
I really really want to do something that benefit those who are in need, right now I just felt design job doesn't get me to where that is (the design field is too commercialized imo), but who knows, I may become a designer who design for social groups/campaign that can help the society/world.

I will just finish off art school now and see where it leads me to :)

Wish me!