"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Rome Was Not Built In One Day

Everything takes time to build.
Everything takes time to ruin.

I remember how we used to plant vegetables and flowers in summer. We stopped doing that. and now the beds are full of weeds other than flowers. Looks like an abandon yard now. It took a few years of not tending it to become like this today.

Am I willing to work on my garden again? Yes. I'm going to start. Literally, I want to do some gardening. I was clearing out the weeds on the flower bed.

The sun was too bright, the soil was too dry.
I cannot pull out the weeds.
So I decide to wait till the soil is wet.
Today I'm just clearing out the old leaves and stuffs.

Patience... is needed in everything
I realized. Sometimes you want to do one thing.
You can't do it, not because you don't want to.
It's only because it's not yet the time to do it.

This is always the case in many things. Isn't it..
Nothing happens overnight.
Sigh... patience, patience, patience...

"Where one attention goes - energy flows."

One way you can notice if life is moving through you; instead of, life as moving from you is to pay attention. When life is coming from you, you are using a lot of personal effort to achieve a task. When life is moving through you, you are embracing and acknowledging the need for and dependence on your Creator's strength to sustain you each day and each moment of your life.

Pay attention to what matters... It's really true..
If it matters, you would keep your energy on it...

I know with my personal energy from me, and the strength from God through me. right now. when I am really concentrate on being happy and being with God. I am happy. I am with God. (right!!!)

Screw other things. Why do I have to spend energy on unnecessary things now.
I am going to kill this "me"...
It's not about what attention/care from others. it's about your own attention to yourself.
It's not about having others to support/cheer/help me, it's about having God to strengthen me.

Reading it millions times. - let it flow. naturally.. it shouldn't be hard when I'm willing to (why is it so hard still then?? am I not willing enough still... I want to punch something, I'm so mad.)

"Sometimes not knowing all the answers is just fine."

Why people say that?

For me, when there's a question, there's an answer.
It is not fine to leave things unresolved.

I cannot be positive on this.
If someone care, they would answer.
Same thing goes to the other party. if someone care, they would ask.

Is it really true that nothing matters?
answers do not matter? questions do not matter?

What matters then?
Probably nothing.
Yes. this is the answer. Everything, anything really doesn't matter.
So.. why would it matter? Why do I feel bad then? Screw this.

Project Overhaul - Follow up 3

Updated on my goals setting. (Warning: Long update, don't read if you don't give a darn about my goals hahha..)

Thanks for all the encouragement from my dearest friends and sister..
I feel refreshed and full of hope in most times (though I still feel the ups and downs. gosh, sometimes i wonder if I'm bipolar. my mood swing is pretty scary!)

So far I did the best part that i look forward to everyday/night - wake up in the morning!
SO so soos sosoos proud of myself. I'm wishing to wake up at 7:30am now. and today for some reason I woke up at 7:30am. (Honestly, some nightmares made me wake up but who cares, this is doing me good. I actually waking up early without alarm these days now! Cool eh!!)

Go to church is out of the question, I got to go every week at least once or if it's possible twice or more. praying, I pray all the time. probably every hour. so this is out of the question too

Learning Guitar... mm... haven't start. and I think I'm substituting it with learning to sing. Yes, I'm learning to sing (on my own :P self learn that's all... i'm not surprise if my neighbours start to love me cos I sing in my room. and hey. my grandparents already talking behind my back saying "what's she doing singing in her room". whatever. they like to talk behind my back for everything.)

Hey, but learning to swim is on the way!!! Magically, one day me and one of my best friends went swimming and she showed me how to do backstroke. I still can't do it. but now I can float on my back for as long as I want and then kick and also move my arm. I can slowly. I mean really slowly move forward (or backward?!??!) SOOO exciting! I cannot wait!

As for going to gym every other day. oops. I sort of make it into random days during the week now. and then I stil haven't clean my room. I got to clean it asap to put my exercise ball in and do crunches and stuff or else my abs won't be here this summer.. got to do this, got to do this, got to look fit)

Better skin. nothing too big of an improvement. I guess my acne is clearing out. and not breaking not as bad but still breaking out. I got to really get good sleep (which I still don't get.. sigh.!)

Breakfast challenge! I still eat breakfast everyday. but I sometimes so lazy to take photos :( cos I realize the photos might look the same cos I eat very similar food all the time!! Got to switch it up :) and I will upload pics. but it's been a month. i will keep going ^^

What else.. well I hug my mom once in a while now. and i talk to her everyday short and medium length talk (which is way way better than months of not talking). And then my grandparents seem happier. gramma always smile when talk now. is it because auntie mushroom almost coming to TO? or is it my positive aura? hahhahhaa Well.. grampa is okay and not as grumpy, but still grumpy..!

Portfo building. nothing in progress. got to move my butt. and hey i also got to keep learning flash and aftereffects. I realized many things want that now. and of course I kept saying I am learning web design, but I'm still stuck on basics! moving my butt ^0^

As for my own happiness project. I am in the process of planning it. Going to start on June. Yes. my half year happiness project! Can't wait!!

"If people don’t act the way you want, it doesn’t make them wrong."

This is very true...! But to be with someone you like/love. (relatives, friends or dates/boyfriend), if the person does not act the way I want is a pretty sad thing.

Learning to accept everyone. and love them for who they are.
I thought I'm always friendly and open minded to everyone/thing.
But I realized I am not that open mind at all!

Alright. Keep going. There got to be a way...
First change the way I think. this world is not about me! it's everything else!
Second to accept and love myself.
and then third I put more love to people I love.
Forth, after that. I will also be loving everyone/thing all the time!

Sounds like a good plan ^_^

Honesty. 2

I am true to myself.
I am true to you.

What I say is what's from my heart.
There's no game.

Unless my heart got cheated by my mind.
What I say is always the truth comes from my soul.

Does my mind deceive me?
I learned to control my thoughts now.

Does my emotions deceive me?
I learned to control my emotions now.

I am free from them now.
So what I said and do must be true.

There is and will be no game.

It is here, when you simply stop wanting

Took a walk outside for 45mins.
spent around 15 mins did some meditation - failed.
I can't stop thinking of all the things in my mind.
I want to take all the rest of my time from now to figure out how to meditate.
I am addict to reading books. Good addiction?! But I realized.. .
reading is good to take away your minds and learn stuffs.
But I need more than taking care of the mind. I want to connect to my soul.

Anyway. towards the end of my walk today.
Saw the birds and trees and butterflies, I thought to myself.. all I need is to stop thinking and just do what my instinct tells me. Just like what animals do.
What more should I want in this world really? Why do I have to keep thinking so hard about what's next to do, what to do next day, week, year?

So I got hungry.. need breakfast. I was thinking to go home and cook some fried rice. That's the natural thoughts flow, cos the fridge got some leftover rice from last night, then I should eat it.
Surprisingly when I walked in the house, gramdad already cooking.
I was surprised because he never cooks early in the morning. in fact, he doesn't usually cook at all!

Things come when I stop planning eh???
by just do what's right in front of me.. and think what's right and good..
I actually would get what truly is right.. and it just feels right.

It must be... this must be the "law" in our lives.
Every creatures naturally follow the path in front of us.
There's really no need to plan ahead I realized.
Just follow. and stay natural. yes. this must be it.

Good Addiction

"...if we don't have a centre, and that centre is not Christ. then we are inevitable suck into dissipation and sinfulness. and in a world which is made these compromises, everything becomes an addiction. Pornography is an addiction... the instance of the behaviour of tiger woods which supposedly an addiction, in reality. it is a life that is not centre for Christ headed for hell. we asked our Lord, in this sacraments that we might not become the victim through the dissipation of the world and its many temptation, that we place our hearts and minds on Christ. that we may find peace. the peace that he promises us. ..."

Tiger Woods' sex addict problem sets a bad example of a man. I truly despise him. And this is for many men out there too. I really don't understand why on earth would men have sex in their mind all the time. How big is a man's desire really? They go in war, they make pornography, they kill, they rob, they rape, they do most of the crimes and sinful things. I wonder, what on earth are men really thinking? (gosh, my "illness" is coming out, i have to stop)

Okay.. to be fair. who in this world never sin? I sinned, (and there's too many to point out here). So if he truly and honestly changed. good for him. that makes him a great man instantly. But this has to be a real renewal in his mind. God bless him if he does. and bless anyone who's sex addict and those who watch porn. I wish them truly realize there are so much more better things out there than sex.

Sex, money, cars, house, computer, games, gambling, clothes, handbags... we all want more and more.. When's the end? Very heart broken to know humanity has fallen and lost our connection with nature and god. (I'm guilty too.. right now my addiction is definitely internet and computer obviously..but hey, if you know me well I'm this nature /outdoor type of girl really)

May everyone who is addict to any kinds of addiction find the ultimate good addiction - addict to God.

Doing so, you will have all the goodness you ever imagined! and afterall... addiction comes from need.. this need in life.. ultimately is "happiness". I believe everyone's ultimate life goal is "happiness"! Whatever you do and want, it all nail down to being happy.. You may not believe in any religion like I do but you might still agree with me: whatever so called happiness we find in this world is really just temporary - get drunk? you will be sober soon. get laid? you will be awake soon. get money? it will be spent soon. gamble? you win or lose, and then what else after? whatever that is. nothing going last. Everything passes, except the treasure up in heaven, or if your atheist - the spirit within you. Nothing else in this life is more important than you and God or the universe/spirit/peace in you.

May peace be with us all. and may all of us addict to being connect with our inner self.

"The gate to heaven, is easily open by those who is small, by those who reject the wisdom of this world, by those who are content to be contemptible and foolish for god by kneeling before the Eucharistic signs where our lord is truly present. .."

Hiking.

"This life is a race:

some of us need a tow, some of us just need a boost, some are stuck in the mud, some are descending into valleys, some are heading up mountains and others are on the flats moving at an even pace, but none of us are finished...run the race, I know you can"

Just saw this on my favourite facebook group. I like the imagery here... but. I believe life is not necessary a race. Race sounds too much of a competition to me. Who do we race against? Afterall ourselves? But why do you want to finish things in life in such a rush???

So my version would be:

"This life is a hike:

some of us need a rest on the rock, some of us just need a sip of water, some stopped to look at the flowers by the track, some are descending into valleys, some are heading up mountains and others are walking slowly yet steadily, but none of us know where we are heading... until we reach a place where we take our final resting, we all have to keep walking and enjoy the beautiful scenery, rather in a dark cave, in the forest, up the mountains, out in the plain, by the river... going uphill downhill... everything is beautiful."

In fact, going downhill can be so beautiful that you get to see what's below you and where you ve walked from... going uphill, there's a sense of achievement but you really can't see what's ahead of you most of the time... Both are necessary when you hike, from one mountain to other mountain, there's no way you can get to the other mountain without leaving behind the mountain your on, you have to go downhill.. and then slowly up if you have to reach another mountain.

Where do you fit? Anyone walking with you? or leaving you behind? or joining you? Are you taking a detour to explore other parts of the place or you are just following the path that is most traveled by others? Do you follow or do you lead?

No matter where you fit in these images... we just have to enjoy the hike, don't we? Nothing is easy. This is a cold hard lesson, self pity doesn't get you anywhere... only when we keep walking, we will get to somewhere. Hiking is tiring, I never think any of my hiking trip is easy, I always sweat, get tired, tiny bit of out of breathe when hiking...

Learning to be happy even though I feel tired, learning to enjoy all the moments even though I don't feel like enjoying. I have always love hiking. if I can do the same thing in life: take in all the beauty of my surround and enjoy things even I feel tired, I would have been successful (?). But it's always when you tripped yourself and fall on the ground you realized and learned not to make the same mistake again. (ie. watch your every single steps)

Yes. I learned to enjoy everything.... it's all in the package and it's all good. shouldn't it?

Space Conscious

"...the deeper the loss the greater the space that it leaves behind."

"but if your familiar with space consciousness you are aware that... once there was something/somebody, where there's left nothing or an empty space."

"For some people they reach spiritual consciousness through encounter their great loss, for some other, they couldn't run away from it, and they left speechless... collapse and there's just the empty space... and after a while, there will be this great peace when space consciousness suddenly comes through."

"You can say you suddenly found God... indirectly through suffering... an easier way, you can practice awareness of space.... the enormous shift in consciousness."

"You can sit here, listen to the words, without label... and be aware of the space... of which the world happens... the feel of just present."

"Otherwise, the words will be analyze by the mind, and be stuck as "signposts"..." - Eckhart Tolle



True consciousness comes when you don't label.
There's really no point to analyze your present state, people, or whatever that is in your mind...

It's no point to just running in circles for hundreds, thousands of days and nights. I'm tired of having this "tape running in my mind" feeling. Same words runs around and around.

There's nothing good comes out from labeling...

"Consciousness, you are consciousness. You only can become consciousness if you are comfortable in the state of not knowing." - Eckhart Tolle

All's Well

I thought last year was 2000.
But it's already 2010.

Can't really remember what I did for the past 10 years.
Everything feels like yesterday.

Time doesn't wait for people...
So why am I idle?

There's nothing wrong with the present.
The past. Let it be in the past.

I learn to savor the present, instead of waiting for the future
Now's the best.. All's Well...

A Night at the Wonderland

Last night, it's the first time I went to a charity gala.

The best part must be the finger food (skewered fried shrimp with lemon sweet and sour sauce, skewered chicken with honey mustard, Vietnamese vermicelli roll, mini burger with tartar sauce and pickle, spinach and cheese pastry, beef and vegetable pastry)

and then the two cups of wine sent us to the wonderland, with the five theatre actors acting as Alice, Mr. Rabbit, the Queen, the guard and the caterpillar, it was so much fun having them mingling with us and see their acting among the crowd. Mr. Rabbit is funny! and he joined our table and joked with us for a bit.

Fun. and it's wonderful.

(The ride back home was fun too. tipsy and it sort of guaranteed a great chat, which we did....! and it was our own celebration for my friend's good news... congrats to my dear friend..! ^-^ <3)

Re: A Hug, A Handshake and A Kiss

So....

All of the sudden on Monday May 10, 2010. the morning.

I "landed" a kiss at my family. my grandma.
Just when we were preparing for breakfast/lunch she suddenly came up to me and told me how much she loves the drawing I drew on the envelop of the card we gave her.. (she was holding it while saying it)

She's like, "it must have take so long~ I just saw it now, didn't see the envelope yesterday, this is so nice!" and then she pulled me to her and wanted me to give her a smooch on her face and of course I did.

I said, "no it doesn't take long.." (really it was less than a minute draw..)

So yes... I did kiss my family, right after I thought of it the day before...

So weird. all these things you do and happen are all interestingly weaved together.

God's will?

I have always treated everyone more than how I treated myself, but only no one liked that

Human qualities that's very important to me: honesty, respectful, caring, and most and most importantly - being compassionate and trustful.

Losing trust is the most hurtful things. when I start trusting someone or something, I trust it fully. It doesn't matter if I'm super happy, super hyper, super sad or super mad or simply acting emotionless when I am very very sad. I do those in front of the people I trusted the most.

Most think I act out because I'm disrespectful. But I feel the opposite way, I feel disrespect by most people, you don't show me your emotion because your disrespecting me and don't see me as a close person of yours. I show you these sides of my naked emotions because I respect you and treat you just like, if not more of, myself.

I'm this simple and honest. Nothing more inside me, what you see is really what you get.

But from all these years I learned that not many people want me to treat them the way I treat myself because I'm not them! (haha, how slow I was) Since many of the people scared away by my actions, I stop showing my emotions as much as I can. Hard cold lessons taught me, if they don't show me their emotion, I'm not going to show them mine, this is my rule now. Your not respecting or seeing me as friends or anyone close to you anyway, why do I bother to throw myself on you.

I wonder if I am ever myself again without my overreacting or exaggerated actions/emotions. I feel lifeless these days. But the calm is charming in a way too, though I feel I'm very bored with myself

Where did my honesty go?
I cannot be honest in front of people now cos I feel no cares and respect from others. No one show me their emotions as we get older and older. Who can I really open to?

I know you going to say it's all in my mind, you should open up yourself. but after many hard lessons from people I was trusted to my heart dearly where they would shut me off coldly and told me to suppress it when I show them myself. In most days, I have to hide myself and wear this mask I am creating cos I feel so much expectations from everyone as we got older. And I am not really allow to show much of my emotion or expression freely because of the "appropriateness" and cos we are not kids now.

Am I myself still?

Where did myself go?

Can life be more simple?
Can everyone be more simple?
Show me the real stuff, really, I feel so distant from everyone and everything.

Booked

Yes. I'm booked.

I'm so happy that over the next four days I have booked with many activities that I can't wait to go to... volunteer work and search on monday, friends on tuesday, charity gala on wednesday, church on thursday and probably booking my family for Friday?! hehe...

Woohoo...! ^0^

A Handshake, a Hug and a Kiss

So today morning,

I got one handshake and one hug (no kiss though)

Handshake
A little less than 5 months ago, that same hand shakes me.
It was during Christmas time. The first time I went to my parish after you don't know how long. The pastors always stay outside the mass hall and handshake attendees when they exited the door. So I got this handshake, I was pretty desperate cos I was in the rock bottom. That warm handshake gave me hope, and a welcome sign. I knew God was there waiting for me to go back to church because I don't know how I got to shake the Father's hand cos there were just so many people going to church during Christmas season, plus the crowd of people that leaves church every mass does not allow everyone to shake hand with the pastor.

and after many more days, today, I developed this habit to leave church a little later so the leaving crowd is thinner. Somehow, I guess the people got "distracted" by the flowers sale for the mother's day so Fr was pretty "free" hahah. and somehow he was right in front of me when I exit, so I got this handshake and the simple "how are you?" to each other and the eyes contact said everything, nothing else is needed to say. *warm*

Hug
Anyway. The hug, was another story, I'm referring to my mom in this case. I tried to hug her whenever I go out. I "forced" myself to started this habit. It's a weird action between us Chinese?! So to start hugging my mom, it's sort of unnatural at first, but I am surprised how much she likes that too. And I realized, me and her both needed this. I don't see smile so sweet on her face at all and it was only during the times we hug, her smile was big and it's warm. and I bet my face melt a little too?!

So I tried to do that. oh. I didn't get her anything for mother's day today... so I just gave her a hug and Happy Mother's Day... (Sorry mom, I was going to buy the flowers from the church.. but they are $20.. I can't afford to spend more money... probably will make origami flowers now to make it up :)

No Kiss (yet)
Though it's so natural for me to kiss my friends and also my friends' parents! Yes, I kissed my friend's parents cos they kissed me when we greet each other... It's been how long I haven't kiss any of my family members? while I can kiss other people... I wonder what this is? :D

Asian culture? or is just an excuse... I don't know.. I think my next step to my "family relationship overhaul" would be more XX! :x

There's only one Weather, and it's neither Good nor Bad

It's pouring outside. The wind doesn't stop blowing the tree and the flowers pedals are falling and flying madly.

Whenever I heard about report or people talking about weather I had always remember this thing I heard in one of the tv interviews of a celebrity reporter (I forgot who and what show..).

This guy was saying how he was working in radio (or tv) weather report. So there was thunder storm to report. and automatically, he would normally say: " Today's weather is not so good, there will be thunder storm.. blah blah"

One day, there's a experienced reporter reminded him: "Neutrality is important, when reporting news and weather, it is important to not be judgmental"

"No weather is bad" the interviewee said in the interview now. "I learned not to say a rainy day as a bad weather day."

"A good weather report person do not say things like "good" or "bad" weather, there's only the actual weather to report."

The nature needs rain and snow, it might look like it's really "bad weather" outside for us (funny how we human would actually think this way, we are way way too separate from nature now do we? I never see a frowning bird in rain, or a sad squirrel in the snow). Imagine if everyday of our earth is without rain or snow and storm? If everyday is a "good weather", what would that be like? Nothing can survive if that's the case, we will all be doomed.

Learning to accept the way things are without judging or being bias is not easy but should be doable... if we can all do that, we will all be happy souls.

I get sensitive whenever people say things like "it's snowing so hard!" "The weather is not good today, it's raining the whole day"... Every time I hear the reporter on tv said "today's weather's not so good folks.." or something like that, I automatically remember that interviewee's words...

I actually never dislike rain or snow. I cannot understand why people can't go out when it's raining, I don't get it why people would not go anywhere but stay home in winters. (unless it's a real huge snowstorm i guess)

I go out any weather, I take photos in rainstorm, I go to the park in snow... it's too bad for any of us if we cannot appreciate all the different weather in this world. (where's this person who can dance in pouring rain with me? This is something I want to do in my life... :P)

Anyway, WOW at least I'm positive about weather. If only I can have this thinking in all my other things in my life. I can finally be in true happiness. ^^ hahhaha.. Good start for me I guess, let me try to spread that to other areas of my thinking...!

My own Happiness Project

It's almost June. (I cannot believe it's been half a year since I had start my new year resolution)

So an updated on it would be:

I just got some achieved. And then others, not much completed, I realized I'm not into it much anyway.. (Things like: guitar - I want to.. but I really never got any music training.. I should try, but got bit discourage, so so far I only learned how to hold a guitar... and Swimming, I don't know where to start, I should really ask my friend to teach me...)

But on the good side, I did get myself this habit of waking up early and sleeping (relatively) early. I go to church every single week (once, if not twice) And also I talk to all my family members more. and I also answer my friends' phonecalls and even take the steps to call up people now. I also do walking and exercise every week. (sometimes just walking though..)

Achievement? YES, some sort of..

And since I got off track these days I am going to start my half a year plan now - my own little happiness project. (Inspired by this book I wanted to read since January called "The Happiness Project" - http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/ but because I am broke so I am still waiting for the library copy - I"m 104 on the holding list!! ^^"")

Two days ago in the bookstore I saw this book (again) and I took the time sitting down somewhere and "test read" a chapter. Not bad! Really looking forward to read the whole. and I think it's a call for me to see this in the store (over and over again, not just two days ago). I really really want to start my own project! Will I make it? I guess... since now I got many more deas of what I want in my life compare to before (like last year). I can do this! ^0^

I will update on this.

One Day is like a Year

I felt like it's been many years since two weeks ago!

I am looking at photos I took just 2 weeks ago and I felt like it's from last year (or possibly more)

I feel like every single day is a year for me. honestly.
I feel like every hour is another "countdown"/"countup" to something that's going to happen.
Good or bad? Better or worse?
What is it that's going to happen?
Who knows.... only God knows...

I shall let you know when something good or bad happens.. haha..

For now. Good night. It's been a long time since I sleep! (last night.. hehe)

Do it Anyway.

Originally written by Kent Keith, second half rewritten in more spiritual way.

This verses is written on the wall of Blessed Mother Teresa intended to the children in Calcutta, India.


People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

~Mother Teresa


She is definitely one of my role models now, I didn't realized how humble of a servant of God she is until I read more things about her. Mother Teresa is a familiar figure for me, because I came from the high school named after her, I should really know her, but during those years, I really just saw her as one of the dedicated famous person who does charity work, nothing more, nothing less.. For me at that time, she is flat with no human character (because she is seen as almost saint!)

Now that I studied more about her, I found that she has many doubts and possibly suffered from depression of her own, which surprised me alot because from her works I thought she was all golden and shiny saint like. I would never thought she has constant doubts of God and His existence. The way of her working continually with the poor and needed ones while struggling on her belief and doubts is very inspiring. I think all of us are like that... some point in our lives we struggle, we doubt, we start to blame and hate God or others or even ourselves... but it's funny how at the end, we had all comes to the same wants - we all want to be good and do good, that's all.

Doesn't matter what your belief system is. Doesn't matter what your circumstances are. Do good anyway.

Looking for.

Looking for job. Not a $job though!

I lost interest in working for $... Forgive me for not working. I have always have one or two part time/at least occasional job but this time around I really have no single $job in my hand! wow.. since high school..! (which is almost 10 years ago...)

I believe I won't starve anytime soon... I just have to say no to $ things and use my frugal ability and as long as it's not me to fill up the tank.... (sorry dad, just for now :)

Anyhow. I'm looking for something to bring me back my soul:

1) Volunteer - My church/hs friend's setting up me to this youth group. (woohoo! how did that happened I don't know, but we ended up reconnecting when I saw her in church and also we start fb each other. - Must be God's plan (I know it is). my only concern is people there would be too young for me to fit in, so I will see. I can be there but doesn't have to be too active right? hehe.

As for the volunteer work I really really really want to do. I applied for one by email (gosh, should I trust online apply.. but that's the only way for them.. I wrote a very nice coverletter (i think), they got to give me a call)... and another one I will drop by sometimes next week, pretty close by my area.

2) Any interesting design competition - and for now, just no entry fee ones. I saw this one for London skyline.. maybe I will try this. sounds interesting, and if I win, they will have me flew to London (?! nah they didn't say). hahahha.. whatever, just something to build up my port-fo. which I haven't got enough decent stuffs to put in since two years ago (i'm not a dedicate designer am I? I am a "dry artist"... feeling dry but I'm starting to feel it now~ I know i can come back)

So. Yes. this is my plan for this month.

I stepped on a snail

My dad told me that when I bummed into him Sunday morning. I was going home from church, he was going to church. We walked the same way only the opposite direction. There were snails everywhere on the sidewalk cos it has rained earlier in the morning.

While walking home, I realized, how we don't invite each other to much of the things in my family. The most likely family activity would be dim sum with grams, and occasionally grams invite me or dad, or my uncle along. That's all. We don't do anything else. (besides dinner)

And while I thought how distant me and my dad are earlier that day. Just the same Sunday, at night, this little miracle happens.. I was bit upset while talking to a friend on msn because I got emotional a little about what we talked about (like our struggles, life, God, etc).. then my dad walks in. He saw me and we somehow started talking.

Thanks. I think it's been ages (literally), since we ever talk about "feelings". and it's probably my first time talking to him like this. God likes to play these miracles does He? though for some other people this probably's not any miracle, but for me, it's a miracle.


A personal story he's telling me:

"Some people complained on the ship while in the storm - "the ship is so wobbly", "why does the pilot drive the ship like this?""

"It's possible to find a smaller storm to pass through, but the entire area of the ocean is in storm, the ship is going to be wobbly for sure, you just have to accept that this is a ship in a storm"



There are more he said, but this is the one I liked the most.

I believe I caught a great chance, God must have given me this chance to talk to my dad. If I was like before saying "nothing, it's okay". then things wouldn't turn out like this. I learned. sometimes I have to say "it's not okay". ^_^ That's it, keep going lala. I can do this!

Positive Procrastination

Been doing many studies on different things:

from how to bake a cake, how to screen print, how to sing, how to dance, how to do eyeliner, how to have abs, how to draw, how to communicate, how to be happy, to less random things like traditional gospel songs, contemp gospel song, catechism, Bible study, Vatican news, religious history, Buddhism, Zen, Hinduism, Confusion, and many other odd religions (scientology, the Mormon.. etc) , also of course, mental health news, science, and stigmas, depression, borderline, bipolar, schizophrenia, etc, etc.

I don't know what these things leading to, but I feel productive, there are many things I don't seems to care before that I start to be very interest about it. ^_^ A good obsession! (at least we can call this "positive procrastination"?)