Skin-tervention

Hmm... I don't have good skin. I just realized in the past one year. I never give much thought about it. But just the past year my skin condition went downhill.

Just saw this in the website:

"Our skin is a reflection of our deepest selves. The expression “It’s written all over your face” is so true. We absolutely wear our lives on our faces: our joys and pains, our loves and losses, our victories and surrenders. Our skin speaks of our present, tells tales of our past, and foreshadows our future." - Healyourlife.com article by Kate Somerville

Hey, I got to try harder to "create a better future" if our skin speaks my future. ^^

I Just Wanna be Happy

Happy
Leona Lewis
Song writer/composer(s): Evan Bogart, Leona Lewis, Ryan Tedder

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
’cause love won’t set you free

I can’t stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can’t let go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear

But all these days
They feel like they’re they’re same
Just different faces
Different place
Get me out of here

I can’t stand by the side
Ooh, no
And watch this life pass me by
Pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I’m just trying to be happy

Oh, happy
Oh

So when it turns that I can see???
This rope??
Victim??
Don’t say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy
Happy
I just wanna be
Oh
I just wanna be
Happy.

Re: Real Food for Thought: Coffee

I had been hateful again.

I told myself today. That to be loved meaning to love, I said it many times before. But I again got hateful again.. *slap myself*.. sigh.. this bring a question to my mind today: "Is unconditional love exist? Where do we find them?"

Anyway, unconditional love exist only in God. Saints are inspirational.. they are the "tools of God" reaching the point that their practice transmute God's love... Are Saints unconditional lovers? Yes, it's been told... And that brings Jesus pop into my head... He is God's Son, born as human. He loves, He forgives, He endures, everything, unconditionally. Does that mean human can actually be like God??

The Bible told us that human are created in the image of God... (But aren't we suppose to be humble and obey God, not trying to be God? I need to study more into this...)

God loves us unconditionally, I never love unconditionally, in fact, I might not even love before.. Will we be able to things unconditionally in a world like ours?? Is it possible? Can we all be Saints or Jesus? Can we really spread unconditional love start from ourselves?

Real Food for Thought: Coffee

At the breakfast table one morning during a conference, there was cup of coffee for each one of the person except one woman, surprised, she asked "What about me? Why didn't I get a cup of coffee?" Someone answered her "You have to flip your cup so they will fill your cup up with coffee."

Really? Then.. what if it's between two person? Who's going to be flipping the cup? Who's going to fill up the cup? Who's even going to brew the coffee?

So far, I realized this is the work of the mom, the wife, the girlfriend. Guys, why can't you flip my cup and pour me coffee?

I'm listening to this sort of frustrating audio where they called "The Woman's Book of Soul", I have been looking for "The Man's Book of Soul" too... but they don't have it (yet?) ^^ Wait.. does man even have a soul? Actually, their book of soul is the car manual, the computer magazine, the porn magazine, the games manual, or maybe for some whatever hobby it is, or for the goodie good ones, they might really be the Bible.

Anyway~ the audio is sort of repeating how we as women has to control, has to contain us inward, has to flow, like how "water" is describe as feminine. Women has to be feminine, women has to be understanding, she has to raise children, she has to be supportive to her husband, she has to be caring, she has to be loving, she has to be spreading love to everyone cos she can conquer everything with love, she has to let go of her fear or negative emotions and be peaceful, be calm - how I see it as being a "loving doll" that's forever smiling and living her life for men.

"You can't get anything until you change yourself" Maybe, is this what women really have to do?

Do women really have to live as water and deform us so we can have a "good" relationship? If women are really "water", who's there to boil the water and keep it warm? Who's there to boil water, and put in the beans and brew some nice smelling coffee?

I'm now thinking, woman has to do it all herself in her life - "first, be "water", keep herself "hot or at least warm" all the time (with our own help - whatever it is, keep in shape, be gentle, be girly, etc), and when she keeps up being warm/hot and the man decide to keep the relationship, then she has to boil herself (on the way, she evaporates herself and some of herself disappear), and then the men add the coffee beans (I called it marriage, hopefully is fresh and good), and brew and brew and brew, she let herself absorb every sweet, bitterness and all the other hundreds of thousands of taste of "marriage" (well, coffee has the most complex make up of tastes/chemicals out of all the food we human known), she then become a different thing, full of everything, good and bad, and hopefully she becomes the good coffee that people loves to drink (on her way to reach that point, she risk that she would over boil herself, lost herself, and disappeared completely, dead, or she might be turned bad when no one care to do anything about the boiling the coffee (marriage), it just went bad and got to dump it in the sink)

When a marriage failed, the guy doesn't lose anything, it's just the woman that got poured into the drain, and no where to be found.

Anyway, going back to the flipping cup. Instead of flipping my cup and wait for people to pour me coffee, for me now it's more like: You have to buy a cup of coffee from Tim Hortons (pay a "price", an "admission"), in order to win anything (or not). BTW You only have a rare chance to win! haha.

and of course, most time, I got the "Play Again"

One thing I got from this audio that's helpful for me is how they stress we have to put our relationship with God as the most important part of your life, let His love flow in you, and let yourself be fill of His love - let His love flow from you to others around us. It is very true.

I asked: What about a woman's life? Who's there to support her? Who's there to love her if she never learned to love, never be understood by anyone, hopeless or heart broken? If she can't love yet, then she doesn't deserve to be loved?... No, she deserve it, only the love from God, only God can truly love her then... When she found God and peace, She can finally win. I am on my way to win.

Real Food for Thought: Making a Sour face

In front of me: some dumplings and with red vinegar.

I love vinegar, lemon, any acidic food/sauce. I tend to add it whenever I can, I eat slices of lemons, and I always would have cravings for any sour food once in a while where I would drool over thinking about a salad, some dumplings, some noodles, some soup, etc, etc.

It's sour, eating it might make you cough, might burn your throat a tiny bit, even tearing a little. But it's sooo good!

I still don't understand why people relate "vinegar" with "jealousy" and "eating lemon" with "being rejected" (in chinese culture at least). and also, why is a "funny face" a "sour face"? Maybe I should look up the origins.

In reality I heard it's good for your health... It's good for you. I don't care if it numb my tongue a little... it's too tasty to pass up!!

Making a "sour face" is good.

If you want to put me in hell you can...

...break all my nails. and I will for sure go devastated and insane.

My my my, my right index finger nail just broke 5 mins ago.
1/3 gone! Fuck. not 1/5, not 1/4, but 1/3... so close to be 1/2...!! Sorry I don't want to swear but I can't help. First of all, it hurt like f. and this is the MOST TERRIBLE break I have in my life. I mean it's been how long since i break my nail? and had never been this bad.

It must been 3 years at least. I remember when I was handling a hardcover book in my locker so happily because I was getting off school, I broke my right middle finger nail by 1/4, that moment, I promised myself I will never ever never again break any of my nails because I cannot afford to see the beautiful nails of mine getting shorter and shorter...

Since then I haven't break any of my nails (at least not painful ones, I did bent a few but not break!)


You might know...
I love my nails, they are the one single most proud "feature" I love of myelf! I have not many things that I am proud of (maybe my single eyelid eyes I'm actually pretty proud of)

Why is it that when I am so happy, I get off guard and relax, and then bad things happen to me.

Want to know the story about my left baby finger? On the beautiful evening when I was wearing my sparkling nails and silver dress and about to be this beautiful girl attending the gorgeous prom, there I was literally stepping out the door and bam, the windstorm door caught my baby finger nail and ouch, it break 1/4 of it. That was 7 years ago, that bother me quite alot, because it kind of sux and hurt for the whole night.

I can so tell many more story about my nails: how I used to bite on nails when I was kid (5 or 6 years old) and I am so regret now because I could have the even more beautiful long nail shapes of mine.... (I could have been a model I believe) when I was teenager, how I kept my nail long and nice and with beautiful nail polish, the next day almost certain, something would happen to my nails... sigh..

When in happy moments, I seems to be destine to kill the mood and things just doesn't stay happy... WHY?

Tonight I'm happy and relax, got home and felt tired and want to sleep because I did exercise and just about to grab a book to read and sleep then this happen... thank God, are you trying to "break my bones" again? Are you telling me something?

Even a Stranger would

Just now, as I came back from the mass. I found a surprise message in my facebook inbox:

Wanda H. R. March 21 at 10:35am
Sweet Savior, thank you for Angela and all the good things you have placed in her. Please help her in the situation she finds her self in right now. Give her your sweet peace and let her rest in your presence where there is fullness of joy. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Thanks God for using Wanda to show me your love to the humble me, this really hit my heart.
How come it seems so hard to keep prayers for the people we know and the family and friends we are so close to? While even a stranger would have offer prayers to another stranger?

Time for me to do more praying and forgiving.

There's no coincidence in life

The past Wed. was St. Patty's Day.

I went to three restaurants (+ 1 mickey-d) in one evening.

No Green beer. but YES laughter, "restaurant hopping" and some "regular beer"! (don't ask)

AND HEY, guess what??? God is "treating" me to go see Raptors! I guess Raptors want me to see them so badly because they didn't see me during the Christmas so they ask God to send me their "invites"... so of course, me and my "BF" gladly accept this...

There's no coincidence in this, this got to be God's sign for me - "I lost something, I gain alot more something else!!!!" v^0^v I "lost" my chance in Christmas, I got this even "better chance"!

I read it somewhere (I can't find the source right now unfortunately!) that there's no coincidence in life. I truly believe it now, I used to think "no, there got to be difference I can make..." But I now don't believe any one man effort can change a fate, for everything that is happening, it's meant to be the way it suppose to be and that's the only way it would be, you are planned to make the choice, you are planned to go to that place, that person is meant to make that choice, you are meant to be like this, what you are getting is what you are to get...

Do you remember that movie "Sliding Door"? It's been my favourite movie since a long time... but now that I think about it, there really isn't any coincidence, everything happens the way they are meant to be. When I focus on small things, I can see all of everyday things are so planned and everything fit perfectly in place. The force/God/universe is pulling the strings behind everything! --- I will show you some more of my proofs soon. ^_^

"When we close our eyes and look,
we start to notice the accidental blessings,
and circumstantial blunders,
the situational beings,
and purposeful doings that lead us and meet us
on every crossing path.
When we open our mind and feel,
we start to realize nothing is coincidence."

Rasterize

It means to "convert (an image) into pixels"

Very dangerous act if you naturally click save and close afterward... Total Nightmares!!

Sigh.... -____-

Reminder to self: Whenever you close and save, make sure you know what you are closing and what you are saving... I should say, for everything in life, every single little thing, make sure you know what step your taking, know what you are doing. Be very very cautious (I think I'm too paranoid here but it's so true and I realized I never be cautious enough!).



I am too much of a careless person... I really don't like this and I need to change, gosh... I wasted so much of my time every time...

Wobbly Foot

I have this feeling I am falling back behind. I need to stand firm.

I felt relax again and got lazy. So tired even waking up at 10am! (can I still blame Daylight Time Saving after 4 days? maybe, cos I wake up exactly around the same time I used to for 3 months!)

I feel I'm at peace now that I feel normal. Way too normal... am I the person who always looking for dramas? (I have a feeling I might be, which I despise of..)

But I think I had made positive change by having moments of totally peacefulness, I'm surprised to find myself these times when I don't think of anything but just sit or lie down. (At least this is something I haven't had for a while now.

I also did something very very brave on Tuesday, God and I are in good roll (finally). I am finally "officially" in good "status" ^_^ Okay, I don't want to get all religious suddenly, but all I can say is I felt good and being loved. (though to be honest... I continue to feel lacking... I'm lacking something, something I don't even know what it is still... let me do more self reflection/prayer)

"Hold the thought that you would like God's loving assistance, and it is done."

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

I grew up no longer believe in these quizzes or whatever tests or horoscopes stuffs... (if you know me long enough you should know I used to read all these horoscope books and I know all about the characteristics of each horoscopes, which goes along with who, and etc, etc..)

It's been ages since I took any "personality test" stuffs, I want to believe this just for a short moment here, hahhahaahaha:



Result: Dream Girl
You've got it all -- affection, a cool head, a positive attitude, and all that other stuff that guys want their girlfriends to have.

You're light-hearted, fun, romantic and not too sleazy -- a great combination. When you start a relationship, there's a good chance the guy will totally fall for you, whether he intended to or not. Keep up the great attitude and you're sure to be a heartbreaker. (Please just try to be gentle.)



I want to be a positive girlfriend. I do. but why do I act so aggressive all the time. even talking a some people I know, I can be so harsh and rough... sigh..... -____-

Mirror

People is the mirror of yourself.

How people react, in most case, shows how you are.

Keep that in mind.

Church Teachings - Mar. 14, 10. Forth Sunday of Lent

Second Reading:
17 Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come. 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 20 So we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We beseech you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
Joshua 5:9, 10-12

This Sunday's teaching is all about reconciliation and the renewal of the relationship with God. For God has loved us so dearly that not only does He forgive, but He also went an extra step to send His only son Jesus Christ on earth so he may complete God's plan for fully reconciled with us from the original sins we bore.

Gospel:
1 Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. 2 And the Pharisees and the scribes murmured, saying, "This man receives sinners and eats with them." 3 So he told them this parable: 11 And he said, "There was a man who had two sons; 12 and the younger of them said to his father, `Father, give me the share of property that falls to me.' And he divided his living between them. 13 Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took his journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in loose living. 14 And when he had spent everything, a great famine arose in that country, and he began to be in want. 15 So he went and joined himself to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed swine. 16 And he would gladly have fed on the pods that the swine ate; and no one gave him anything. 17 But when he came to himself he said, `How many of my father's hired servants have bread enough and to spare, but I perish here with hunger! 18 I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me as one of your hired servants."' 20 And he arose and came to his father. But while he was yet at a distance, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. 21 And the son said to him, `Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' 22 But the father said to his servants, `Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet; 23 and bring the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and make merry; 24 for this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' And they began to make merry. 25 "Now his elder son was in the field; and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 And he called one of the servants and asked what this meant. 27 And he said to him, `Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has received him safe and sound.' 28 But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, 29 but he answered his father, `Lo, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command; yet you never gave me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your living with harlots, you killed for him the fatted calf!' 31 And he said to him, `Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. 32 It was fitting to make merry and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.'"
Luke 15: 1 - 3, 11 - 32

This week's Gospel is the well known "Parable of the Prodigal Son". Basically, what this story about is there's this son asking his father for half of his wealth and property, as if his father is "dead", he sold all of the stuff, got the money, left home, spent it all up, went to some sketchy towns and ended up as bum. While he found a job working in a farm feeding pigs, he now remembered how even his father's servants would have bread to feed themselves, but he is right here, hungry and not even have enough to get what the pigs are eating. He decided to go back to his father, and ask him to let him become one of his servants because he no longer fits to be his son and he should be his servants to repent his sins.

The second half of the story is kind of unexpected, one would think the father will condemn the son and punish him. Instead, the father welcomes this son of his, killed a fat calf, not just any calf and cook it and host a feast to celebrate his return. Now that the older son, who has been in the home since forever, helping his father becomes jealous and stated his anger towards his father unfairness - for all his life, he has been obeying and he has not even get a lamb as a feast! His father then reason: "Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found."

It's not like the second son did well because he turned away from his father all these years, but because he was renewed, he reconciled and "he was lost, and is found.". This is not to encourage all of us to do this so we get better reward than the elder son seems to get. But this is to encourage us to never be afraid to go back to God's arms.

This parable should be called "The Parable of the Generous and Forgiving Father" instead of "The Parable of the Prodigal Son" because this parable's main character should be the father - God. God's love contains everything we do - good or bad. No matter what we asked for, he gives us - like how this father gave his son half of his property with no question asked. No matter what we have done - in this case, the son went so lowly as to being a pig feeder (which Israelis despairs because they don't eat pig, only roman soldiers eat them), he welcomes us - in here, killed a fat calf and host a feast (a fat calf , any calf raising in the desert at the Bible time is extremely valuable, and it would take many good grass to feed a calf to be fat), he forgives us unconditionally, he eagerly awaits for us to return - in this case, "run" towards the son when the son comes home, instead of the son running towards the father. This is a parable of the ever loving father who loves his sons so dearly, the rebellious and also the obedience older son - he stated to the obedience older son "Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours." (At the culture in the time, the older son always get all of the father's belongings after the father deceased), so this is also a parable of how God's kingdom is all ours, as He had promised. If you are willing to open your heart and let God's in, follow His path you will get all of the things that you ever need, there will be always enough for you, all of everything will be yours.

Don't be afraid to admit your sins, don't be afraid to reconcile with God, for Him forgives you always and not only will He not punish you, but He eagerly awaits you to run to Him. He wants the best for us only always.

Real Food for Thoughts: Rub and don't be a Scrub

In front of me: "Two strands of rosemary stems" I had just ate the leaves.

Action: Sniffing, cos I love herbs, any herbs, I love everything about all herbs. The look, the taste and the scent. (don't worry, I don't do "greens" ^-^ though I have this feeling if I do, I would like it very much and be really addict.. hahaha...)

Initial Thoughts: The leaves are gone, seems like useless pieces of organic waste, but if I rub it with my fingers, and put it under my nose, the scents are so much stronger than just the leaves alone.

Further Thoughts: Like anything in life, you got to get your hands on it, rub it, feel it, get yourself dirty, get so close till you can't get any closer, really breathing it all in - until you do that, you won't get any idea what it really has for you, what you really want in life and what you don't want in life. Don't just sit and be a scrub. Get closer.

Life is... "more than just leaves, the stems are the real best part" - This is from me, yes, Lala v^^v

I cannot believe I have this day - To look for poems to read

"...Shipwrecked we just float, O favorable wind arise,
May we one more time gaze upon that familiar trait.
Passage of time and the stars, are but what we fantasize
For compassion and kindness, it is never too late.

...In the land of repute, our passage they will dispute
If this will not suit, don’t stay mute, and transmute dictates of fate.

When destitute and in need, let your love and passion breed
Life’s alchemy, essence and seed, unimagined wealth shall create..."
- Excerpt from Ghazal 5 by Hafiz



I was watching some positive videos and the narrator/author has read a passage from one of Hafiz's poems. It gave me this shock in my heart. So spiritually touched, I looked up "Hafiz" and here I am reading poems (that I despise and dislike always because I can't write poems and I can't understand poems before!) Though I can't say that I understand 100% of these poems, but I remember how one of my best friends pointed out - "Poems are not meant to be understand, they are to be feel."

I think I have falling in love with poetry suddenly.

"Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood."

"...The beggar of your home, of the eight heavens has no need
The prisoner of your love, from both worlds is thus free.
Though my drunkenness has brought forth my ruin
My essence is flourished by paying that ruinous fee.
O heart for the pain and injustice of love do not plead
For this is your lot from the justice of eternity..." - Excerpt from Ghazal 35 by Hafiz

Why hate TTC when you can love?

Do you dislike TTC?

These days, there had been this waves and waves of concerns and finger pointing at TTC from the general public. This had sadden me quite alot mostly of my sentimental feelings toward TTC.

I still remember how nice I think TTC service was when I first came to Canada more than a decade ago, compare to where I came from, the service of TTC was extremely well in my eyes, I was especially impressed about how nice their person to person attitude (some of which they still exist today) - how the bus driver would wait for you at the stop or even the intersection if they acknowledge you crossing the road and trying to catch the bus, how the driver would greet you when you get on the bus with a smile and a warm good morning how are you, how brighten and awaken I and everyone felt when the subway driver sing or announce the station stops in a uplifting way (it's amazing to see everyone on the train can smile at the same time), how on time the bus (mostly) be and you can go to the bus stop literally 2 mins before the scheduled time, how smooth some of the drivers drive (unfortunately not many of them are good now).

And more and more memories regarding people I met or help on the bus, while waiting at the bus stops, on the subways, etc etc... I love the fact that public transit can be such a unique community for all of us who commute to be part of it.

If these facts won't convince you to love TTC more, I had another.

Just the past Thursday night, during the start of the rush hour, I was to buy some tokens, "Can I have ten tokens please?" I asked this booth attendee like how I always do, but this night I added: "Are you okay?" Why did I ask him that? It was because he was wrapping tape and bandage between his right thumb and index finger. "You cut yourself?" I asked. He said to me "Yes" then he gave me a big smile, "Your so kind, thank you" and when he gave me the ten tokens, "Here you go" he told me "and don't put one in". I was so surprised (cos I would never expect to get a free TTC ride..? hahha) "Oh, are you sure?" I looked at him and asked, he then put his injured hand on his left chest and then said "yes, cos your so kind, thank you!" While he expressed his gratitude for my words by treating me, I too, expressed my gratefulness and thank him for it and told him "No, thank YOU, you take care alright? and have a good night". We exchange another smile and I waved goodbye to him and he did the same. And then I realized there were around 4 other people behind me waiting to buy some tokens. Oops I hope they didn't hear what was happening or record it! LOL.

If they did, maybe they would start to think, "See! TTC workers have work ethnic problems! They shouldn't let anyone go without paying!". Yes, he shouldn't treat me, and I should have pay (now that I think about it...) Anyway, all I want to say is, we are all human, we all want to be treated with dignity. I know if they hold the bus and buy a coffee, or if they sleep in the booth while working is not of good work ethnic, but I believe some, if not alot of us who work, don't work the whole 7 or 8 hours of our working time. We are human.

It's not like I wanted to get any benefit so I start treating people well, but from hard lessons I now learned that it is very true about "what goes around comes around". If you treat others the way you would want to treat, you would be surprise how nicely they would treat you. Everything is a two way street. It seems that we only care about how bad some of the TTC workers work ethnic are, and we forget how much they bear with some of us when some of them were being assaulted seriously or even got killed while working. Why can't we fill the world with more love and forgiveness?

I showed that attendee some love, and I too, on my ride home, was smiling very silly and felt the love in the world. Love grows when we toss them all around us. When you give love out, it doesn't diminish, it comes back right to you with the same if not more strength.

The world needs more love. Why hate, when you can love?

Who's Patrick anyway?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Legends about Patrick abound; but truth is best served by our seeing two solid qualities in him: He was humble and he was courageous. The determination to accept suffering and success with equal indifference guided the life of God’s instrument for winning most of Ireland for Christ.

Details of his life are uncertain. Current research places his dates of birth and death a little later than earlier accounts. Patrick may have been born in Dunbarton, Scotland, Cumberland, England, or in northern Wales. He called himself both a Roman and a Briton. At 16, he and a large number of his father’s slaves and vassals were captured by Irish raiders and sold as slaves in Ireland. Forced to work as a shepherd, he suffered greatly from hunger and cold.

After six years, Patrick escaped, probably to France, and later returned to Britain at the age of 22. His captivity had meant spiritual conversion. He may have studied at Lerins, off the French coast; he spent years at Auxerre, France, and was consecrated bishop at the age of 43. His great desire was to proclaim the Good News to the Irish.

In a dream vision it seemed “all the children of Ireland from their mothers’ wombs were stretching out their hands” to him. He understood the vision to be a call to do mission work in pagan Ireland. Despite opposition from those who felt his education had been defective, he was sent to carry out the task. He went to the west and north, where the faith had never been preached, obtained the protection of local kings and made numerous converts.

Because of the island’s pagan background, Patrick was emphatic in encouraging widows to remain chaste and young women to consecrate their virginity to Christ. He ordained many priests, divided the country into dioceses, held Church councils, founded several monasteries and continually urged his people to greater holiness in Christ.

He suffered much opposition from pagan druids, and was criticized in both England and Ireland for the way he conducted his mission. In a relatively short time the island had experienced deeply the Christian spirit, and was prepared to send out missionaries whose efforts were greatly responsible for Christianizing Europe.

Patrick was a man of action, with little inclination toward learning. He had a rocklike belief in his vocation, in the cause he had espoused. One of the few certainly authentic writings is his Confessio, above all an act of homage to God for having called Patrick, unworthy sinner, to the apostolate.

There is hope rather than irony in the fact that his burial place is said to be in strife-torn Ulster, in County Down.

What distinguishes Patrick is the durability of his efforts. When one considers the state of Ireland when he began his mission work, the vast extent of his labors (all of Ireland) and how the seeds he planted continued to grow and flourish, one can only admire the kind of man Patrick must have been. The holiness of a person is known only by the fruits of his or her work.




“Christ shield me this day: Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left, Christ when I lie down, Christ when I arise, Christ in the heart of every person who thinks of me, Christ in the eye that sees me, Christ in the ear that hears me” - from “The Breastplate of St. Patrick”).

Excerpt from "Saint of the Day"

Springing in Spring

*My 100th Post* (really)

Spring will be here in 11 days. (Can't you believe? I can't, I'm some how stuck in the snow and christmas mode alittle still!) So warm tonight I had opened my windows to let some fresh air in (I need some air after being stuck on my bed for two days)

WOW. I am happy because - it feels like another new start all over again! I think if New Years Eve, Chinese New Year didn't do that start for me 100%, this one can serve me yet another start!!!^^''' I'm ready for spring! (already got 1 "big thing" planning to celebrate this for myself...) (I also can't wait to make some Easter Eggs~ ^^v)

So Spring reminds me that there are many new start we can all take year-round-wise: obviously, there are the change of seasons - Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter.... But Festival-wise, there are these many in March alone: Dream Day, Daylight Saving Time Day, Pi Day, Gudi Padwa, Ugadi, St. Patrick's Day, Let's Laugh Day, Nowruz, Cuddly Kitten Day, Ram Navami, Palm Sunday, Hot Tub Day, Doctor's Day, Lent....

Some of these festivals are silly, some are common, but what I can see is that there's every reason to celebrate each day... Right now I am keeping this habit of waking up each morning smiling into the mirror and being grateful I wake up alive, but it's hard sometimes when things get to my head and I sink into the swirl of resentful feelings.

I got to remind myself here once again - "Everyday is a Celebration" ^^ I have all the right to be this party girl who celebrate my everyday.

Another new start, yet another chance to rebounce, cos I felt the love and support all around me. Happy Spring!

Re: Caring

I am sick. This "ego" of me is bringing me all these "wants"

It's only a fact: what you get is what you give.

I need to accept this fact, without me giving out anything, there's nothing given to me.

Did I really not given enough? I thought I did. Or is it I didn't?

I feel peaceful now, I feel relax, I feel happy most of the time, I feel like there are so much I want to do now. I love my friends, I love my family, I am forgetting now. But there are these times when I thought of whatever things that trigger my egoic self. That's when I started these bullshit all over again.

How can I kill this side of me? I want to kill my ego. I really hated it.

Will I ever be a better self? am I just faking my peacefulness?

Caring

I still can't get over with how uncaring a guy can be.

Or is it because I'm not caring so they are not caring?

Do I have to be this caretaker/nurser/mother to "earn" their care?

What is wrong with me. What is wrong with "him".

When I'm happy, he doesn't care. When I'm totally hopeless, he doesn't care. When I'm sad, he doesn't care. When I'm mad, he doesn't care. When I'm this crappy despressee, he doesn't care.

When he trying to care, he actually doesn't care. When I actually care, he doesn't care. When I don't care, he STILL doesn't care EITHER.

So in the end, he never care. The only thing he cares is HIMSELF, FUN, SEX, CONVENIENCE, and BENEFITS - basically someone he can "own" to cheer him, to encourage him, to do things for him. If I'm not important enough for you to even cheer me when I'm mad or sad, think of me encourage me like how I would to you when I can or even just talk to me and keep showing me you care even when I said "I'm ok" which in most cases "I'm not ok". If I'm not important to just spend your precious time for you to think of me more than asking me "are you okay" -

Why should I care any bit of you.

Sorry guys, when you say I'm your friend/best friend, I really don't think you know what you say either, you are only saying you are your own best friend cos if I don't care about you, you don't care about me. If I don't find you, you don't find me. This is not real "friend", this is not "love". You only want me to feed your ego. You only want "somethings" in return when you show me your fake care.

I will only care about girls from now (I swear). They are my real best friends who at least I don't need to play this 24 hours cheerful doll that toy by you, at least I can freely get pissed without you covering your ears, rolling your eyes and running away. I'm not a possession, I'm not a "happy machine" I might seem happy, but I'm not always. If you can't even accept or hold me when I'm in this state, you don't deserve my happy me. YOU totally deserve this crappy sad me then. GIRLS are more brave than guys in my understanding. At least they are brave to communicate and solve things together and show some care to each other.

Things don't just happen. Why do I have to be the only one who care? Why can't you make it happen then? Or at least make this happen TOGETHER with me! You JUST don't care. You just never care to be together.

Hahahahaha. This IS my conclusion. How funny I would ever believe there's this someone I can show my evil self.... I must have show too much. darn! ^^ Someone please kill my ego NOW. I feel sick of this bitterness, I feel sick of this resentment.

My head feels dizzy and I'm sick today. Thanks for letting me be, at least let me vend this out on you tonight, my imaginary friend.

I think I am...

I never really give much thought about my appearance.

Well, when I was little (before 7 yo), I kept short hair. My mom used to buy me all the girly things, the fluffy dresses with lace... and dress me up.. I was feeling shy and embarrass when I used to walk down the street as this "princess"/"Lolita" me..

I got older, (I guess before 14 yo) I wasn't obsessed about anything about my look. I never thought of anything. Only I was conservative, I don't put on cute things, I do have different hair ties and hair pieces but I stick with plain ones alot, unless my mom decided today I'm going to wear this rainbow hair tie. I don't like wearing clips on my hair, I only liked tying my hair up. I was shy, again, I actually felt embarrass if I put cute things. I don't know why

Maybe I never believe that I am a girly girl.

As of now (2X years old hahha). I still think I am not cute. But maybe? I think I am more of a "sexy type" (hahaha).

Friday, I went to Sears with my friend, cos she gave me this free Cargo lipgross coupon., on top of that the salesgirl offered me a little makeup session with me, she did my eyes in gorgeous turquoise colour (my favourite colour)...! And then this good friend said "your eyes are slightly bright but still.. Korean eyes~". Whatever, I think my eyes are perfect and they r soo hawt!

hahahha. So maybe, I'm just saying maybe, even if I'm not girly, even if I might not have enough confident in my personality. At least I have confident about my eyes. In fact, I never get upset about my appearance... can I say that I'm confident on this part of me? The only part that I get upset is my innerself I guess.

If you love me, you would love my eyes instead of saying they are not big enough.

(no, I'm not saying you my friend who went to Sears with me.. hahahha I know you love me and your just teasing me!)

Underneath the Darkness

These days I had been watching CTS (Crossroads Television Network) alot (Channel 9 in Toronto TV in case you want to know). It's a Catholic TV Channel. (I love there boardcasting morning mass at 9:30am... lol! sorry God I was eating breakfast and observing a mass.... ~_~) Yesterday, on 100 Huntley Street (every Friday morning at 10am, every weeknigths replays) There's this interview with a band called switchfoot (A American Christian rockband).

They are a group of guys in their 30s I guess. Many inspirational quotes came out from them, one that caught my eyes is this "Hope lies underneath darkness". ^-^

In my understanding, without darkness, without despair, we don't see hope. Much like how we don't see the stars with our campfire in front of us. If our lives are all rainbows and straight roads, we probably never will find the true lights in life. I'm glad I failed my life for a moment now that I found my purpose.

Today I was reading this book called "Psalm 23" (bought from thrift store for $0.99!!! AMAZING deal). It touches on this one point that totally hit me - everything we did, everything we wanted, everything we seek - "Family, friends, love, job, money" is for us to find our meaning of life, we define ourselves with any of these things according to our interests. But at the end of the day when you got everything you think you wanted, what else are there you want? Why do I keep wanting more? Because you want joy, you just want to be happy, you want happiness that never end, you filled yourself up with all the things you can possibly own to do this. We felt happy because we achieve these things. You are forever in this "track mill" you keep chasing one thing after another. And then you realized we are all going to die one day, we all can't escape the "end". So the answer now for some of us is we want "eternity", where's this "eternity" that we all want? where's this peace and joy that we can't find in any of these things we own now?

This has been one thing I had searched for in my 26 years of life - where's eternity, where's true happiness that never die? When I was younger, I go to school, I make friends, I hang out, I eat good food, I travel, I laugh and jokes, I do all the crazy things everyone does if not more, all the things I did I thought that bring me "joy"! I was a happy young girl for a bit. But no, nothing can give me real joy, the "happiness" faded after I got home, after I said bye bye to friends, after I digested my great meal. As I grew older, this "empty feeling" got stronger and stronger, over the last 5 years, I was doing great in my first two years of university, I was having fun with friends, I got a nice boyfriend, I was traveling around alot, I planned my future, going to get married going to get a job, going to have kids, etc, etc. But when I got all the things I thought I would ever wanted, it didn't make me really happy. Then where is this happiness that I want? Am I wanting too much? Am I being greedy, why do I keep wanting more and more? ~~>_<~~ From then, I went into my "dark age", where I thought to myself and said to my beloved one "I'm bored, what is there to do? Even if we do this and that and then that, what's next? What is life really mean? What else is there? I will die eventually anyway, what's the point?" I got my "dark age", I was this "dead" zombie lived through the past 5 years almost can't remember what I had done. There are these thousand of days where I now cannot remember how I got up, what I did, and how I went to bed. -__- I was totally screwed up. And then now that I felt like I lost most of the things I had (failed my classes, screwed up family relations, failed my job, lost my bf, lost contact with most friends). I found "God". God is the question to everything.

I don't believe God is this human figure that we imagine Him to be, as humans, we did the best we can to image God as this "father" figure that we have in our pictures and artworks. I am more believe God as a spirit, an unlimited source of power/love that no one can put a form or shape to describe it. ^^b

God's not to be found in this physical world (because I had tried to look for it in all the things, but without acknowledging God's presence, I failed, and I started to hate God and abandoned my faith).

This unlimited source of power/love seeded in each one of us, it's deep inside us, only it takes time for anyone to realized it and bring forth. You may not even believe in "God" at all, but think about it... trace it, "for all the things you want in your life, why do you want them?" Look inside you, ask yourself: "What do you want in your life? Do I have everything that I want?" Feel it inside you: "What is this feeling in me that felt so "empty"?" Feel it, think, and be honest to yourself. "Do you feel empty?" I am sure most people would have this feeling, if not strong, it has to be very subtle there. This "emptiness" you felt (strong or weak) might have been the missing puzzle of the purpose of life - that needs "God" to fill it up. ^_^

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, And die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."

Moments with Strangers #2

This moment of me and a stranger happened yesterday March 3, 2010 (before I got tipsy LOL)

I know I should have do this "memoir" in chronicle order but I really want to share this one now. So I was on the subway ride, doing some reading, suddenly, I noticed this little girl and her mom sitting diagonally across from where I sat.

She was one curious girl, turning all around, looked all around, she knelled on the seat, reaching out her pink mitten covered hand onto the glass window and excited about how the patterns of the concrete walls look when the train slowed down to a stop. She was so happy to show her mom about the moving images at the window. This caught my attention whenever a kid do that, cos it reminds me of the time when I was the same - I used to looked into the moving walls in the subway tunnel back in HK. Now I don't do it cos I get so used to it and it gives me dizziness if I stare into the moving walls too long. hahahha.

Anyway. So I took my eyes off my book and somehow me and this little girl's eyes met. I don't know why and I don't know how, I smile at her instantly, and she did the same. It was a genuine smile, not a small one, not a big one, just the right one.

I shy away (why? don't ask me), I think I got goosebumps from seeing her smiling at me and my heart skipped too. I took my eyes off her for a second, and the next second I looked to her again. She did the same thing, we smiled at each other again. This time I attempt to make a funny face, I want to play with her. But I guess I failed, she just looked at me hahhahah.

So I looked away. and look at her the third time. This time we still looking at each other, but I added a wave. Cos it's time for me to go. My heart sink for a millisecond, cos I had a lot of fun!

But I know at that short crossing, we liked each other and it was all that matter.

I walked out the train without turning back. and when I walked up the stairs at the station, I had another flashback at the time when I was about 3 years old. I was on the plane flight to Korea with my mom. I cannot remember too many things about the trip (I think I only remember I saw the ceramic pots outside the place where my grandparents used to lived. I remember the black and brown-ears doggie named Barbie on the tatami (don't know what to call in Korean), the staircase that has a window having sun shinning through and the telephone in the wooden box on the wooden panel walls (like the wooden wall hung telephone you see in old Japanese drama), the wood flooring for the entire house, the wooden short table and all the wooden furnitures around it. everything was dark cherry wood in the house, so beautiful and shiny. For my life till now I never seen any flooring and furniture more beautiful than what I remembered) But guess what I remembered the most was some lady who sat behind us in the flight gaving me a piece of "green arrow" gum (still at that time wrapped in paper) when I turned around looked at them. I did not know how that happened, I was probably looking around alot?! but I remember the image of the lady inbetween the flight seats.

So go back to this girl I just met, I told myself - "This is such an amazing feeling". My and her life had crossed, intersected for this special moment, it will never happen again, but it will forever remain a permanent time in our lives.

I might or might not remember this later on. (well I will cos I have good memories about strangers whom I met). She might not even going to remember it. (or she might, like how I remember my entourage when I was 3 years old.)

At this short moment, we had this connection that no one can ever take it away from us.

This has been my feeling to many of my strangers encounter, you meet this nice person at the nice moment and you know that you will probably never meet again. It's sad, but it's memorable and had been putting smiles on me whenever I thought of these moments. Thank you for giving me these special moments in life, strangers!

(There are many many more of my moments with strangers, stay tune! ^_^)

How to love to love loved ones

When you know how to love to love, you will love to share love and show love with the one you love, with the love that you love to love, you made him/her fall in love and made him/her your loved one who love to love you. Now, with the love you had for the loved one you love and now loved you will then love you back with the love that he/she loves to love.

Tipsy Topsy

I'm tipsy! I'm tipsy in the middle of the day today because I "got to do this"! (hohohohoho, it's a seeeecret!)

anyway, so I'm here, at 2pm in the afternoon, tipsy.

It's a funny feelings, it's something I had never done, it's crazzzzy~!
But it's so relaxing, it's so empty minded, it's so happy. v^.^v

I feel like a newborn or some kid when I was taking the subway and the bus, I feel like everything is so fun and so interesting and it feels to good to look at. I was smiling real big, I was doing some reading too and I feel like the words were floating and it dances. Everyone I talked to and Everything I seen seems so friendly and happy to me. ^0^

Am I an alcoholic in my heart? Maybe!! ~_~'''

It's been awhile since I got tipsy. I'm glad I never do drugs in my life, cos I'm pretty sure I can get addicted to so easily.



I am asking myself now.... how to keep this relaxing and happy feeling without the alcohol??
Who can tell me how? Will the one day I can smile (really smiling from my feeling) the whole time throughout my afternoon come? So hard to do and I hope I can do that one day... hahahah!

Side story: I went to church just outside my intersection to pray after I got off the bus, it feels totally surreal, I walked there and while I was walking, I felt like it's just so natural, but my mind was like "are you sure you want to go visit when your like this?" --- this totally proved what I just read from the book --- you shouldn't be control by your mind, your mind likes to play game with you, something like that. anyway, I followed my instinct and I went and it's crazily relaxing and felt so good! Try it, when next time your tipsy! ^-^ But I'm not going to guarantee you a safe trip! hahahaha...

See it and Want it?

I bought something!!!

Haven't spend $ for a while... (partly cos I feel so broke) but I can't help it today!

Nothing too expansive, nothing too unnecessary (I hope). I bought some books and food - cos I am so addicted to reading now and I get cravings for salad these past few days. hohohohoho ^0^ I'm so proud at least I am buying something "good".

This reminds me of this thing my friend just told me: "My dad goes to grocery shopping and he buys all these food on sale that he doesn't even eat! We have to eat it cos he bought it for the sake of buying it."

So I buy it because I see it and it fits my budget so I want it? or does it go the other way around like I always wanted it, and then I happened to see it, so I buy it.

I used to buy lots of things cos it's cheap! and then it's nice! and then I wanted it!
I learned that this is not a good habit so I stop buying pretty much anything now. I find that this world consumer world is a never-ending maze. Once you get in, you go around and around and around and then you find yourself hand full of stuffs that you probably don't need!

Do I really wanted the books and food not because I saw it? YEA. Do I need it? YES- I need to eat! and I need something nice to read!
Good. I hope I got them not just because I want to buy something. hahahaha.. ^_^

I am my Favourite Mistake

Is there anything as a "good mistake"?

There are many "mistakes" in life you might have, for me my mistake was when I hated and angry at whatever things/circumstances happened. Learning to "love" all these "good mistakes" and make some correction is the key to break this cycle of never-ending of "hate"

Yes. I AM my own favourite mistake!
I am this real darn good mistake that I don't plan to repeat anymore in the future!

Can I truly love myself and make good changes? hahaha... (sounds queer I know)

Love me at my worst, love me at my best

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe

"Your worst behavior is reserved for the person who loves you most because somehow, no matter what you do, that person will still and always accept you as YOU."

I think this is pretty true. I am not perfect, no one is. Though I'm doing self improvement now, but I would still have faults. Who's able to handle me? I'm sure someone in this world can do this well!! ^.^ I can't wait to meet this person ^0^

Turning the Pages

Did that happen to you?

When you have a calendar on either your desk or wall, but you forgot or don't turn the pages of the month and let it sit, say, it was July but you still on the page of March (or even January)? ^_^

I did. and that's for almost for all of my previous years, I had not turn my calendar until the end of the years. (for 2009, in December, I realized the calendar still had the month April.... -__-)

Hey, add to my goal this year - "remember to turn the pages"

I am keeping this up at the moment. It's March now and my diary, desk calendar and wall calendar are all up-to-date! (So proud of myself)

Let's see how long I can do this. I am pretty confidence about this because I suddenly feels like there's this sense of life in me that I started to love my days. (instead of denial the dates and month and anxious about when is the summer going to come and when is the future going to happen).

I can only have my best days right here and right now, not in the past and not in the future. Today is all that matters.

Do you turn your page everyday?