Underneath the Darkness

These days I had been watching CTS (Crossroads Television Network) alot (Channel 9 in Toronto TV in case you want to know). It's a Catholic TV Channel. (I love there boardcasting morning mass at 9:30am... lol! sorry God I was eating breakfast and observing a mass.... ~_~) Yesterday, on 100 Huntley Street (every Friday morning at 10am, every weeknigths replays) There's this interview with a band called switchfoot (A American Christian rockband).

They are a group of guys in their 30s I guess. Many inspirational quotes came out from them, one that caught my eyes is this "Hope lies underneath darkness". ^-^

In my understanding, without darkness, without despair, we don't see hope. Much like how we don't see the stars with our campfire in front of us. If our lives are all rainbows and straight roads, we probably never will find the true lights in life. I'm glad I failed my life for a moment now that I found my purpose.

Today I was reading this book called "Psalm 23" (bought from thrift store for $0.99!!! AMAZING deal). It touches on this one point that totally hit me - everything we did, everything we wanted, everything we seek - "Family, friends, love, job, money" is for us to find our meaning of life, we define ourselves with any of these things according to our interests. But at the end of the day when you got everything you think you wanted, what else are there you want? Why do I keep wanting more? Because you want joy, you just want to be happy, you want happiness that never end, you filled yourself up with all the things you can possibly own to do this. We felt happy because we achieve these things. You are forever in this "track mill" you keep chasing one thing after another. And then you realized we are all going to die one day, we all can't escape the "end". So the answer now for some of us is we want "eternity", where's this "eternity" that we all want? where's this peace and joy that we can't find in any of these things we own now?

This has been one thing I had searched for in my 26 years of life - where's eternity, where's true happiness that never die? When I was younger, I go to school, I make friends, I hang out, I eat good food, I travel, I laugh and jokes, I do all the crazy things everyone does if not more, all the things I did I thought that bring me "joy"! I was a happy young girl for a bit. But no, nothing can give me real joy, the "happiness" faded after I got home, after I said bye bye to friends, after I digested my great meal. As I grew older, this "empty feeling" got stronger and stronger, over the last 5 years, I was doing great in my first two years of university, I was having fun with friends, I got a nice boyfriend, I was traveling around alot, I planned my future, going to get married going to get a job, going to have kids, etc, etc. But when I got all the things I thought I would ever wanted, it didn't make me really happy. Then where is this happiness that I want? Am I wanting too much? Am I being greedy, why do I keep wanting more and more? ~~>_<~~ From then, I went into my "dark age", where I thought to myself and said to my beloved one "I'm bored, what is there to do? Even if we do this and that and then that, what's next? What is life really mean? What else is there? I will die eventually anyway, what's the point?" I got my "dark age", I was this "dead" zombie lived through the past 5 years almost can't remember what I had done. There are these thousand of days where I now cannot remember how I got up, what I did, and how I went to bed. -__- I was totally screwed up. And then now that I felt like I lost most of the things I had (failed my classes, screwed up family relations, failed my job, lost my bf, lost contact with most friends). I found "God". God is the question to everything.

I don't believe God is this human figure that we imagine Him to be, as humans, we did the best we can to image God as this "father" figure that we have in our pictures and artworks. I am more believe God as a spirit, an unlimited source of power/love that no one can put a form or shape to describe it. ^^b

God's not to be found in this physical world (because I had tried to look for it in all the things, but without acknowledging God's presence, I failed, and I started to hate God and abandoned my faith).

This unlimited source of power/love seeded in each one of us, it's deep inside us, only it takes time for anyone to realized it and bring forth. You may not even believe in "God" at all, but think about it... trace it, "for all the things you want in your life, why do you want them?" Look inside you, ask yourself: "What do you want in your life? Do I have everything that I want?" Feel it inside you: "What is this feeling in me that felt so "empty"?" Feel it, think, and be honest to yourself. "Do you feel empty?" I am sure most people would have this feeling, if not strong, it has to be very subtle there. This "emptiness" you felt (strong or weak) might have been the missing puzzle of the purpose of life - that needs "God" to fill it up. ^_^

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, And die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."