A random comment by a net friend:
"why u want importance? why u want apologizing ? thts not you, thats your ego, attitude, insecurity... hurt, hatred, convert all that to love...peace and harmony...... look as all are equal....u allowed someone to behave the way they behaved.... u were not aware...of your self, you needed help, the other person needs more help than you....you want to do it, and cant... the other person might not even know.... what he has to do .... love most to the people who hurt you.... love melts all blockages....."
Can love make everything possible? Can I really believe in the power of love? Can I really trust that God can makes the impossible possible? When there's nothing more I can do but forced to drop the whole darn business? I have nothing else I can do but to love it I guess!!!
I guess I have to. I am telling myself every moment now that I am loving, I'm calm, I'm happy. I have all the things I need in life, I really think so now, there's nothing more I need. I am not dying, I'm healthy. I'm not starving, I'm full. I'm not homeless, I have a home. There's no other better choice.... I am happy!! But how come I felt like I'm wearing this "mask" again?
Do I want to dwell in hate? Do I want to be unhappy? Do I want to be angry? I don't. But why is it so hard. What the hell is going on? I need food, I need exercise, I need jokes, I need internet, I need chocolates, I need books, I need friends, I need air, I need something more???. What the hell do I need now? What the hell do I want to do with myself now? I already have these things, where am I heading to?
I need God, He is with me already, right? I'm peaceful, I'm not going bizarrely angry. But what should I do next, my God? It would be nice if you can tell me. Haven't I changed already? I felt like it's been 4 years since winter...!! I felt like I am born again. Am I not good enough??? Why do I feel stuck again? How come I always wander away from You, my God? I need to catch up, but my burden is so heavy, I need to drop it, drop everything, NOW.
Probably I need to kill my ego, I need to kill my pride, I need to unstuck.. Can You tell me how to do this??? I hated that I have this esteem/insecurity, why do I still feel "hurt"? When really, I wasn't hurt, it was my insecurity that hurt.... I need some serious reflection, I want to just drop everything and stay by myself in some random forest or something... I cannot wait till this school done.. but I'm procrastinating!! Sigh... Why am I so weak :(
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