Avoid

Did you ever do that?

You see someone you know from far away, but at that moment, you don't want to talk to them so you avoid them by walking the other direction or you don't look at them.

I am guilty for doing that in school.

Last week, and today.

Funny thing is, I avoid one person, and then I immediately bump into another person. That another person literally appear from nowhere and we start talking. (I have to cos we see each other...)

I didn't want to talk at first, but it's a good feeling when you talk to people... though at first I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone...

When I think about it now, I avoided to talk to people because:

I don't want them to ask me "How are you?". Because I don't have much to say except I'm so happy that I am practicing my spiritual life these days (hahaha.. which is really all I did these few months- reading reading and reading.. praying praying and praying... listening listening and listening, singing to myself singing to myself and singing to myself... some school works and 3 design projects on my own, that's all.. The most exciting thing for me is to go to church two times a week, but I know that's not the thing many people I can tell without them getting bored?!.... And oh, probably my facebook life that occupies 1/5 of my day ... hahaha... which I'm not sure who wants to know how much I addict to internet and how I have no life.. haha)

Anyway, two times in two weeks, I avoided someone, and then someone else literally ran into me... they did ask me "how are you?" It's only by then I realized that there are actually nothing I should avoid - how much I want to reveal to them is up to me. I didn't say much except we talked about our classes and some summer plan, etc.

Maybe God's telling me there really nothing I need to avoid. God must be teaching me that I have choices, I can expose myself or not, I can choose not to pretend.

Before, I used to buff myself and felt that I have to tell and show people how good I'm doing, how good I'm feeling, how good my relationship is, how great was the food from that restaurant I went, how great was the karaoke/dinner/dessert birthday party was, how good was the dinner my grandma cooked, how good was that movie or show I watched yesterday, how nice was that day or camping trip, etc... I didn't think it was healthy when I even do that to my bf, my family, and most importantly, to myself. I avoided all the bad things, I cursed the bad feelings, I deny the terrible feeling inside me that haunted me whenever I'm alone. The more I cursed, avoided and denial this bad feelings , the more I felt hopeless... and the less I talk about the real me cos I wanted to deny every bad things I was feeling, I just talked commercial things, I just talked easy happiness that everyone can understand and relate to. I'm still not sure if it's because I didn't want others to worry? I didn't want others to know about myself? or I didn't want them to look down on me? or I simply don't care about my true self?... The closest thing I can think of now is that I probably didn't know who would understand me, I didn't trust anyone.... The most screw up thing is - I felt that not even myself understand myself anymore because I was so uncontrollably angry and sad at the end! I scared the hell out of myself when I get totally mad at everything and depressed about everything. I didn't even know what I was doing, who I was, where I was going anymore. (Wow~!!! don't you love this analysis, I should start writing a novel...)

Anyhow! From this "screw up" feelings I had before, now that I know how to "unscrew"... I learned to just be honest, and honest doesn't mean you have to tell people everything. I can choose what to say, and I don't have to curse or deny anything. To do that I have to rely not on myself only, but on God. Alone, I'm powerless... with the strength and peace that God provide me, I can finally sort things out and feel at ease.

Well. Thank you God for teaching me this. And of course, at the same time, You showed me that there are people in the school that take the extra step to talk to me. (gosh, I don't have hangout friends in school but at least I'm not a total loner I guess.. thanks! :P)