Unsux

Alright,

Scrap that last post.

I am going to write something even better than the "sucky theory".
I shall apply my learning these months and write a "unsucky theory"

I will pick a better name for this ^^"

Sux

Alright.
For those who always hear me saying a million times "guys suck" in the past 10 years.
Let me tell you. guys sux, and probably girls too. To be fair now. actually alot of things sux. probably my mind's sux so that's when I see everything sux? (many books and quotes tell me that whatever your mind is is what you see, something like that).. Maybe! (sadly)

I will get back to this "sucky theory" (your doing this again???) no, it's not the same, this time, I shall come up with a more fair and organized "theory" with actual "supporting arguments" that stating the reality of the "suckiness in human"...!! (Sounds like an exciting read doesn't it? - the "suckiest theory"!!!.. hopefully not written in the suckiest writing and not by the suckiest writer.. :P.. but how can the author not be really sucky to write the suckiest essay?? I guess I have to ask myself this question - do I really want to try writing this.. hehee..

Time to go back for more spiritual reading, shall I? So I don't feel too upset before I go to sleep, I don't want to bite my tongue or have any weird dreams in the middle of the night again. (~~lalalalalala.. making a sign of cross)

Passing

Nothing deep about the title.

Was just on the road today. Thinking about the question that always come to my mind when on the road: Why do people want to step so hard on the gas petal and then step equally hard on the brake?

As usual when I'm out with my grams, I drive extra cautious and be ultra stable by minimizing braking. (Though I consider myself a very stable driver in all time ^0^).

So I tended to tick off some cars behind me because we were approaching red lights. How? I was only doing the right thing ^_^ I don't step on the gas petal and let my car "roll" below the speed limit. So I tend to do that to 1) minimize braking 2) of course, save gas!!

Drivers are very impatience these days.

Speaking of impatience... ohh.. the good old days when I would get pissed off by other drivers... don't get me started on those times I "play" with the cars who honked me after I was only 2 secs idle after the light turn green by stopping there even longer, and the few other times a car wanted to pass me from behind and I blocked it from cutting into my lane by keeping myself beside it, oh, God bless that one time this guy that almost crash into the bus... oops. now that I think about it, did i really do it? Forgive me, my Lord for I have sinned...

Why do people want to go 60 or even 70 when they can see the red light in front of them? (or do they not see it?? haha) They are wearing out their brake belt plus wasting gas too. I hate sharp brakes and there's no point to do that when you know you are going to stop, why not just go for a "smooth stop" instead of "sharp stop"?

Same thing goes to many things in life. Can't you already see some distance ahead of you if your driving? Like if you are expecting a red light, slow down, don't keep going and brake like crazy. If you are expecting a turn, you prepare by signaling and again, slow down. If you miss a turn or lost on the road, you either keep going around the block, or stop somewhere to look at the map, don't just freak out and confusing the car behind you. Your in control, but you don't own the road! (or I guess I should say, we all own the road by paying taxes!)

Since there are many worse driver than I am (I can never consider myself the perfect driver yet, but I'm pretty good, at least my grams approve me. grampa's driving instructor in hk and my gramma use to drive.. though their standard must be "outdated" but still! they always say I drive very smooth.. hohohoho)

I learned not to get impatience anymore and my goal is to "educate" others by driving smoother on the road because we need to bring back the patience and politeness on the roads of Toronto. (I still remember how nice the road's "atmosphere" was 10 years ago!)

Patience Driving makes the road/world happier!! hahaha...^0^ (or does it make some other pushy driver more unhappy??!?!) Anyway. ^_^

Project Overhaul - Follow Up 2

So I have this list of goals I set as you might know (in the goals tab)

No! I fall back! I have to get this done by April I said :P

Oh well... there's always tomorrow.

So far I reached the church goal! I'm totally back there and doing readings everyday :) I'm so proud of myself! Anyway. I will tell you when I learn how to swim and guitar. :P

Jam-Pack or Slack-Pack

Probably slack pack.
Since it was my first week out of class this term.

It's slack-pack time -___-

Not good

And I will update tomorrow when I done my "jam-pack day" today with some cooking, finish a poster project and exercise! ^__^

Drowning

I "drown" myself alot

I drown myself at many moments. sometimes it's crazy laughing session, sometimes is indulging in my eating (eating alot!), sometimes it's internet marathon session, sometimes it's non-stop reading and reading. while other times I drown in frustration or sadness.

I tend to dive into things alot and forget to "get back up"! (I'm glad I'm not addict to anything too harmful/pricy.. :P)

hahaha. I have to learn "swimming", so that I can "rise above everything" all the time. I am going to be conscious about what I'm doing cos I need that before I feel my life is a total screw (right now it's screwed but not too screwed.. haha)

I can float, but I drown sometimes still. For real, in real life or my mental life. I need to learn "swimming"!

Hold the Judegement and Assumption

Okay. Just now I was reminded by God from both the morning mass and the TV mass!

I am guilty of doing these. and I only did these on the people closest to me. For others I did not care less, so there's nothing I would be angry about when I am not close to them.

But I learn that the closer the person is to me, the less I should really judge or assume.

Who in this world can for real stand a fight with me, and then talk things out with me by keeping the conversation calm or get me talking at least. cos I have such a short temper. I get caught in moments easily. If the person can't keep it cool and start assuming I'm this bi*ch, it's a disaster!

I fight cos I care!!! I don't fight with anyone who I don't care.

But why is there no one in this world ever understand this? Do I really seem like I hate everything? I don't. I start hating things because other people don't care about anything. I'm always the one who care about every little things. Why?

I have to stop assuming everyone being the same as me I guess!! I have to really say it out loud what's that I'm feeling... This is very hard to me.. I never tell others what I actually thinking/feeling because I don't know how to!!! and half of the time I have no clue why the heck I get so angry either... (like I never have anyone to really open up since I born... not my family, not my best school friend, not my sis.. not anyone... not even myself! )

Lesson Learned!

These are so hard to do, but I know I can do this when I keep my mind on Jesus.. and do what He would do! (The best and single way... do everything for the purpose of love)

Last week of school.

Full of procrastinating and praying. I procrastinated, and then I prayed to God to make things go okay.. Sigh. And what a forgiving God... I seems to be okay. ^.^

God. Thank you. Thank you for helping this sinner who screw things up! Thank you for blessing me with good things, I know I probably don't deserve it!

See you tomorrow, last day of school, and before that, I want to visit you at the morning mass because I miss you already! ^_^

Re: Re: On the Fear of Death

It's gorgeous outside. you know what's nice... when I left the house there's this old guy walking on the sidewalk with me, I was heading to the bus stop, he was just strolling in the same direction. Exchanging a morning and he asked me "do you have allergies?" "No, fortunately." I said. then he told me how he sneezes 30 times on his way since he left his house. and he added a joke. I didn't get the jokes but I laugh anyway... "I hope you feeling better soon." I told him. He said another suppose to be funny line.. I still didn't get it... all I heard was some "flies" "snow" I can't understand.

I guess I need to improve on my english skill... ^_^""

A smile said it all, at least we enjoyed the 10 seconds company and I hope I brighten his day cos my day was brighten by him.

"Take care, have a good day" we said to each other.

I should be fortunate I don't have allergies... I am in shape and healthy. I rarely get sick (maybe 0.5 time a year on average). Thank God. I'm alive. What more should I want? ?_? ^_^

Re: On the Fear of Death

I'm not facing death right now.
But these days, many times I have come across thoughts of dying.

I don't know why I think of the many things that could kill me:
Images of the exacto-knifes on my wrist, chinese chopping knife accidentally chop my wrist, driving a car on highway and crash, crossing the street and got hit by a car, taking pills and die on my bed, or just simply go to sleep some night and never wake up from no particular cause.

I know what your thinking, I am not suicidal, no worries!!! (maybe slightly if you consider asking "what if I die" as suicidal... but truly, I don't want to die!!) But the images that came to me since last week scared the hell out of me abit. Why do I think of death these days? Do I fear of death so much now that I worried about my own ending??

Death is not familiar with me (obviously, because I never die! :P)... but I have a feeling, death can be near. I don't know. It's scary to think of! Anyway, NO, this is just my thoughts :) I truly wish myself and everyone I know are well!!!

But there are times when I ask myself, what if I die? What's going to happen. (gosh and my room of crap, who's going to clean that up?. and who will "inherent" my collection of random papers/pictures/drawings/magazine clippings, keroppis, tons of books, tons of photos, small amount of money, camera or laptop? maybe I should come up with a list of people I want to give some stuff too... as a "goodbye" gift.. as a personal project called "be prepared"! and who deserve my dirty little diary? mm... hahaha.. )

Anyhow. I should think more on life than death. I don't think I will die anytime soon. Though these days I thought that I want the life after death more than the life on earth. But the I still have so much I want to do in this human world~! So I don't want to leave just yet.!!! :))

On the Fear of Death

Let me not pray to be sheltered from
dangers but to be fearless in facing them…….
Let me not beg for the stilling of...
my pain but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not look for allies in life’s
battlefield but to my own strength.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to
be saved but hope for the patience to
win my freedom.
Grant me that I may not be a
coward, feeling your mercy in my
success alone; but let me find the grasp
of your hand in my failure.

Rabindranath Tagore,
Fruit – Gathering
(Kubler-Ross, 1973)

Growing my God

"You can tell the size of your God by looking at the size of your worry list. The longer your list, the smaller your God."

OH MY GOD, this is a slap on my face. So true.. I'm so going to grow my God...!!!! ^0^ (Suddenly I felt full of hope and energy!)... ERASING, ERASING worry..!!! After today, is another day... more fun and happiness!!!

Im free... but am I found?

"My Day will not be determined by how people treat me. My success is not determined by man. No matter how many times I fall I know God will be there to pick me up. Yes I will have trails and tribulation . But I know my God will carry me through them all."

Am I really "found"? I am free now, I don't worry much, I depend on many other things that I should have done long ago(God, Family, Friends)... but does that mean I'm "found"???

Where am I going from here?

Ants

"You see these ants, when we walk and step our foot on the ground, they know where to walk around our foot."

"They are so tiny, but they just know"

"We human still not fully known the secret of life"




I cried when I saw this "unknown show" I just randomly saw on CTS (called "Our Jewish World'?)

Though, the old man talks in Jewish, I was just reading the subtitles...

It's so moving... It's really cool that just yesterday I saw this other tv show, they were farming bees ... I told myself, this is one thing I want to do when I have my little house, and I want to "farm" bees in my backyard.. :) And then I saw this show today, nothing really related to "bee farming".. but it always appeal to me how just these simple things can be so powerful... I love looking at little things.

I always love nature, I love seeing there are so many amazing little tiny things happening on the earth, I also love all these little details happening around me in the city, on the street, bus, school, people, food, everything... I do love everything! It's a great feeling to see and hear other person to tell the story about these everyday tiny things... it makes me feel so warm... For whatever reason, I cannot tell why I love these kind of topics. It's just so simple and true.

I appeal to simple things... does this mean I'm simple?
I am simple. I always think I am.
But if I am.. then why do I have hard time understanding myself?
If I am simple, how come I feel that no one understand me?
hahahaha... This is so complicated...

Trees

"Look at these trees"

"They were bared and naked"

"Look how full they've grown"

Birds

Again, another scene from that Jewish old man...

"The more you know, the more little you realize you know"

"Look at the birds" Camera on the birds.

"They are talking. But for us, they are singing melodies."

"In our eyes, they are singing lover's melodies"

Bee

Just now saw it on tv.

I don't even know what the show was about.

There's this Jewish old man, who lives in a farm.

Showing pictures of him at younger years. In the photos he "farms" bees.

He said: "The past is already past"
"There are things that you learned from long time ago, when you got older, you start to forget these things."

"It buried deep inside you" "You know that it is inside you"
Then he was holding this book called "ABC" (yea, that's the name)
"This book has everything about bee, bee behaviour, types of bees.."

The camera was zoomed on his hand and the book.
The book falls apart on the side a bit, the cover came off a little.

"Things in this house falls apart, books, the inhabitant" (himself?)

Then the next scene it was him holding a roll clear tape (exactly the type of clear tape I have at home too), he start taping the side of the book.

"How come it's not sticky".
The tape was finished...
So the scene goes on to him bringing out some masking tape instead.

"Never give up" He said.
Then he taped the side of the book. (It looks awful though haha).

Showing him finished taping it and flip the book and it's now good for reading again.

Forum

A random comment by a net friend:

"why u want importance? why u want apologizing ? thts not you, thats your ego, attitude, insecurity... hurt, hatred, convert all that to love...peace and harmony...... look as all are equal....u allowed someone to behave the way they behaved.... u were not aware...of your self, you needed help, the other person needs more help than you....you want to do it, and cant... the other person might not even know.... what he has to do .... love most to the people who hurt you.... love melts all blockages....."

Can love make everything possible? Can I really believe in the power of love? Can I really trust that God can makes the impossible possible? When there's nothing more I can do but forced to drop the whole darn business? I have nothing else I can do but to love it I guess!!!

I guess I have to. I am telling myself every moment now that I am loving, I'm calm, I'm happy. I have all the things I need in life, I really think so now, there's nothing more I need. I am not dying, I'm healthy. I'm not starving, I'm full. I'm not homeless, I have a home. There's no other better choice.... I am happy!! But how come I felt like I'm wearing this "mask" again?

Do I want to dwell in hate? Do I want to be unhappy? Do I want to be angry? I don't. But why is it so hard. What the hell is going on? I need food, I need exercise, I need jokes, I need internet, I need chocolates, I need books, I need friends, I need air, I need something more???. What the hell do I need now? What the hell do I want to do with myself now? I already have these things, where am I heading to?

I need God, He is with me already, right? I'm peaceful, I'm not going bizarrely angry. But what should I do next, my God? It would be nice if you can tell me. Haven't I changed already? I felt like it's been 4 years since winter...!! I felt like I am born again. Am I not good enough??? Why do I feel stuck again? How come I always wander away from You, my God? I need to catch up, but my burden is so heavy, I need to drop it, drop everything, NOW.

Probably I need to kill my ego, I need to kill my pride, I need to unstuck.. Can You tell me how to do this??? I hated that I have this esteem/insecurity, why do I still feel "hurt"? When really, I wasn't hurt, it was my insecurity that hurt.... I need some serious reflection, I want to just drop everything and stay by myself in some random forest or something... I cannot wait till this school done.. but I'm procrastinating!! Sigh... Why am I so weak :(

Avoid

Did you ever do that?

You see someone you know from far away, but at that moment, you don't want to talk to them so you avoid them by walking the other direction or you don't look at them.

I am guilty for doing that in school.

Last week, and today.

Funny thing is, I avoid one person, and then I immediately bump into another person. That another person literally appear from nowhere and we start talking. (I have to cos we see each other...)

I didn't want to talk at first, but it's a good feeling when you talk to people... though at first I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone...

When I think about it now, I avoided to talk to people because:

I don't want them to ask me "How are you?". Because I don't have much to say except I'm so happy that I am practicing my spiritual life these days (hahaha.. which is really all I did these few months- reading reading and reading.. praying praying and praying... listening listening and listening, singing to myself singing to myself and singing to myself... some school works and 3 design projects on my own, that's all.. The most exciting thing for me is to go to church two times a week, but I know that's not the thing many people I can tell without them getting bored?!.... And oh, probably my facebook life that occupies 1/5 of my day ... hahaha... which I'm not sure who wants to know how much I addict to internet and how I have no life.. haha)

Anyway, two times in two weeks, I avoided someone, and then someone else literally ran into me... they did ask me "how are you?" It's only by then I realized that there are actually nothing I should avoid - how much I want to reveal to them is up to me. I didn't say much except we talked about our classes and some summer plan, etc.

Maybe God's telling me there really nothing I need to avoid. God must be teaching me that I have choices, I can expose myself or not, I can choose not to pretend.

Before, I used to buff myself and felt that I have to tell and show people how good I'm doing, how good I'm feeling, how good my relationship is, how great was the food from that restaurant I went, how great was the karaoke/dinner/dessert birthday party was, how good was the dinner my grandma cooked, how good was that movie or show I watched yesterday, how nice was that day or camping trip, etc... I didn't think it was healthy when I even do that to my bf, my family, and most importantly, to myself. I avoided all the bad things, I cursed the bad feelings, I deny the terrible feeling inside me that haunted me whenever I'm alone. The more I cursed, avoided and denial this bad feelings , the more I felt hopeless... and the less I talk about the real me cos I wanted to deny every bad things I was feeling, I just talked commercial things, I just talked easy happiness that everyone can understand and relate to. I'm still not sure if it's because I didn't want others to worry? I didn't want others to know about myself? or I didn't want them to look down on me? or I simply don't care about my true self?... The closest thing I can think of now is that I probably didn't know who would understand me, I didn't trust anyone.... The most screw up thing is - I felt that not even myself understand myself anymore because I was so uncontrollably angry and sad at the end! I scared the hell out of myself when I get totally mad at everything and depressed about everything. I didn't even know what I was doing, who I was, where I was going anymore. (Wow~!!! don't you love this analysis, I should start writing a novel...)

Anyhow! From this "screw up" feelings I had before, now that I know how to "unscrew"... I learned to just be honest, and honest doesn't mean you have to tell people everything. I can choose what to say, and I don't have to curse or deny anything. To do that I have to rely not on myself only, but on God. Alone, I'm powerless... with the strength and peace that God provide me, I can finally sort things out and feel at ease.

Well. Thank you God for teaching me this. And of course, at the same time, You showed me that there are people in the school that take the extra step to talk to me. (gosh, I don't have hangout friends in school but at least I'm not a total loner I guess.. thanks! :P)

Re: Freebie

So I mentioned there are these Blessed Images I got in mail.

Looking at the images is peaceful, but reading the words behind the card is even more meaningful.

It's an image of Our Lady of Guadalupe's is 8 1/2 months pregnant, bearing in her womb the gift of life... the infant Christ child.

Anyway, long story short, this is an image based on a miracle appearances from December 9 - 12, 1531. Our Lady of Guadalupe appeared to a Saint in Mexico herself, so they painted this image of her, through this painting that speaks thousands of words, it helped Mexico to end it's culture of daily life sacrifices to pagan god by converting 8 million people to Catholics within 7 years.

In this card, it invites me to spiritually adopt a child by offering my prayers to help end abortion in the world. Just like how it helps to end life sacrifices, now they invite us to end another form of culture of death - abortion.

By praying to Our Holy Lady, I had now spiritually adopt an unborn baby who is in danger of abortion. It says "in eternity I will meet the child whose life I saved by my prayers."

Alright, I will go pray for my spiritual child now and as many times as possible in the future. ^^v I have to save babies lives~~! Suddenly feels like I can help the world, this is a great feeling.

Freebies

As some of you know.
I'm frugal. And I love freebies!

So I ordered some freebies.
You guess it right,
I received some religious freebies! ^_^

So far as of today I got:

New Testament Bible (I need a smaller Bible, I only have a big regular Bible with Old+ New Testament. This is so perfect and it has great study notes for me to understanding it better too!) Two Booklets (I am reading one of them, they are small thin books I can read anywhere~ One is "Basics of Christianity", the other called "Walking in Faith") Blessed Medal of Our Holy Mother (Sooo beautiful ~_~ It's joining my other medals on my cellphone strap now.. soo gorgeous~ I am collecting medals these days ^^) Prayer Pamphlet (Just simple text print, great to use as bookmark though and I can always do some praying anytime ^.^) Four Blessed Image Prayer Cards (I put two of them beside my monitor and the other two become my bookmarks~ Now Jesus the Divine Mercy and Our Lady of Guadalupe are always looking at me v^^v.... when I go on internet... and when I read on subway!)

Yeeeaaaah!! ^0^
(Check my links above to get yours if you are interested :)

I can't wait to get the other ones I ordered....~!

Death is Hope

"Since Jesus has raised from the grave, the tomb and death are no longer a place without hope, where the story ends with a complete failure, where man touches his extreme limits of his powerlessness, from the day when Christ was raised, the cross, which seems to be the sign of abandon, of loneliness, of failure, becomes a new beginning. From the depth of death brings the promise of eternal life. Lord, let us carry our crosses with love, our daily crosses, in the certainty that they are illuminated by the radiance of Easter." - Pope Benedict XVI

Something my pastor said today in mass that touches me very much: Easter is about life, it's about joy. It's about hope after death, it's about hope in the hopelessness when everything seems to come to an end. When there are struggles and failures, we have to remember there's always hope and His great love from God. Christ is risen, truly He is risen! ^_^

HAPPY EASTER!!! ^0^

Darkroom Wisdom

"Only in darkness can the Light shine thru the negative to develop a positive picture"



I never develop a picture in the darkroom, but I know that to develop a picture, you need to be in the darkroom. To take a photo, you take your negative, put it in the camera and shone it by light, not too much, not too little, just the right aperture and shutter speed.

Make sure you don't expose your negative, bring it back to the darkroom. Only in darkness you can develop a photo, not in lightroom. Exposing yourself to only light doesn't give you a picture, you need darkness.

To be compassion means not to over expose other people's sorrowfulness, it means you don't force light on other peoples to blind them with your light, it means you are willing to walk into the darkroom with the person, it's about lots of patience, lots of care to develop a photo together.

Life is not about light, it's about how you use your light in the darkness. With the right amount of light and willingness to go into darkness together, at the end, there will be a beautiful positive picture.

I'm not Alone

I'm not alone. There are many out there. I shouldn't feel lonely.

Letter to My Potential Friend

My friend,

I crave for attention, I crave for doing things together, I crave for making plans together, I crave for hugs and a warm hi because when I make a date, I cannot wait to see you, I crave for your questions when you see me being sad, even though I said
"no" or "I'm okay", because I don't just pretend to be not okay, I am very very unwell if I look unwell. I want you to ask me question, I like to tell people about myself but I want you to show me you want to know (AGAIN, ATTENTION to ME is VERY important). I crave for being the crazy girl who dare to do everything because I ask everything with a "why not?", I crave for being different, when I do one thing, I think of "how can I make it different from anything else in this world??" and "How can I make what we are doing the most unique and amazing thing in this world?"

I don't follow (AGAIN, I DON'T FOLLOW), I don't lead (AGAIN, I DON'T LEAD), I walk together with like minded people like myself, (I LIKE WALKING ALONG SIDE TOGETHER WITH MY LOVED ONES, AGAIN TOGETHER!). I like to explore, I like to walk the path that most people don't walk, I like to be different, I like to experience new things, I don't listen to people's recommendation much but I go for what I want, and I want you to do the exploration together with me. I am full of emotion, I am passionate about people, when I'm with my friends, I always think about my friend first before myself (I WANT TO MAKE SURE THEY LIKE WHAT WE DO AND HAPPY, SO SHOW ME IN ACTION THAT YOU ENJOY!), if you don't show me you care about any of our plans, and you don't show me you even care spending time together, you can expect me stop talking to you and got bored and got silence for a long time because I'm very very very upset that I fail to make us happy, and so I become very very unhappy.

One thing you can do to make me slap you is---- ignore me, avoid me, show no emotion to me, stop looking at me, stop talking to me. Show me you don't even care any bit about me. Do that and you can instantly hurt my feelings. I don't recommend this cos I cannot promise what I would do. I'm very good at breaking things. (SHOW ME THAT YOU WANT ME HERE, SHOW ME YOUR CARE TO ME, SHOW ME YOUR EMOTIONS and you shall have all of me, everything, anything)

Can you be my friend?

Do you care?

A friend of a friend's story.

There was this roommate of his.
One day he got back to the dorm.
"Hey" he said.
"..." He is lying on bed sleeping he guessed.

So he just did his thing and after a while.
It gets very quiet.
He walked up to his bed, push him by his shoulder.
"..." No noise, he flipped him over.
Underneath the blanket, he has his hand laying on a pistol, then he noticed the bullet hold on his right forehead.

The note in the blood reads: "No one care anyway."


For many people, they cannot see who care about them.
No one show them any care. They get despair and hopeless.
If they only knew God cares.
If those around them only show them care.

I am telling myself to care to care everyone and anyone.
Before, I don't see anyone care about me, but now that I found Him.
I only need Him to care about me.
The rest of the people, I may or may not "careless"...

I still believe that I am a caring person, even though I am a stiff talker and stubborn "big woman".
I believe I can do everything through God, I only have to ask and He will give me the strength.
If no one is doing to me, I can do this to them.