I have always treated everyone more than how I treated myself, but only no one liked that

Human qualities that's very important to me: honesty, respectful, caring, and most and most importantly - being compassionate and trustful.

Losing trust is the most hurtful things. when I start trusting someone or something, I trust it fully. It doesn't matter if I'm super happy, super hyper, super sad or super mad or simply acting emotionless when I am very very sad. I do those in front of the people I trusted the most.

Most think I act out because I'm disrespectful. But I feel the opposite way, I feel disrespect by most people, you don't show me your emotion because your disrespecting me and don't see me as a close person of yours. I show you these sides of my naked emotions because I respect you and treat you just like, if not more of, myself.

I'm this simple and honest. Nothing more inside me, what you see is really what you get.

But from all these years I learned that not many people want me to treat them the way I treat myself because I'm not them! (haha, how slow I was) Since many of the people scared away by my actions, I stop showing my emotions as much as I can. Hard cold lessons taught me, if they don't show me their emotion, I'm not going to show them mine, this is my rule now. Your not respecting or seeing me as friends or anyone close to you anyway, why do I bother to throw myself on you.

I wonder if I am ever myself again without my overreacting or exaggerated actions/emotions. I feel lifeless these days. But the calm is charming in a way too, though I feel I'm very bored with myself

Where did my honesty go?
I cannot be honest in front of people now cos I feel no cares and respect from others. No one show me their emotions as we get older and older. Who can I really open to?

I know you going to say it's all in my mind, you should open up yourself. but after many hard lessons from people I was trusted to my heart dearly where they would shut me off coldly and told me to suppress it when I show them myself. In most days, I have to hide myself and wear this mask I am creating cos I feel so much expectations from everyone as we got older. And I am not really allow to show much of my emotion or expression freely because of the "appropriateness" and cos we are not kids now.

Am I myself still?

Where did myself go?

Can life be more simple?
Can everyone be more simple?
Show me the real stuff, really, I feel so distant from everyone and everything.