Miss Congeniality

When we describe a person as "congenial" - They are friendly, compatible, agreeable, adaptive, consistent, gracious, pleasant, pleasing, mellow, sociable, cooperative, cordial, sympathetic, favorable, jovial, kind, considerate, approachable, gentle, and happy.

This is my ideal personality. I have been too angry, too tough, too rough, too bad in communication and too less of a girl... (gosh, that's how my family is, what do you expect when I always stuck with them?) I really don't like this part of me. I feel like I don't fit to be anyone's girlfriend or wife. WHY!! Why am I like this? Why can't I born as a girly girl!!! Why?

Sigh... I don't want to go into this negativity again. But there is this time I feel I am a really bad person. I want to be a good girlfriend and wife!! I have to work hard, I know I can be who I want to be, I always wanted to be this "congenial" girl, I always admire mellow, gentle kind of girls.

But is this possible for me??? -__- I have been looking at our Mother Mary's pictures and praying to her for a while now, I told her, "I want to be like you, please give me strength and courage to make changes on myself..." will I finally become a gracious girl one day???

I want to believe... but I can't help to want to cry... if only I'm a girly gentle girl comes from a healthy family, I can already have no problem with my personality and my relationship and could have already graduated, got nice job, got married, got my life all set and happy.

Sorry God, I am thinking negative again, I can't help. Because the way I am, I hate it. I promised myself not to hate anything but embrace and love everything. But I realized I hate myself the most now?!

Take away my anger and hatred please, I want to love, not hate, what's wrong with me!!!